Posted by:
anagrammy
(
)
Date: June 07, 2013 01:55PM
First off, I am in favor of being authentic with your children. It is money in the bank because you will have their respect. This doesn't mean being confrontative, it means being inclusive and having respect for other beliefs. This is a great contrast to Mormonism and it's attractive. Even children sense that people of other religions , devoted and praying trying to live a good life, are acceptable to God.
A partnership based on inequality is doomed to fail, might as well get a divorce. Otherwise your children grow up with one parent having all the power and the other one muzzled. In what world is this healthy?
If parents can agree to a mixed marriage where both parents' beliefs are respected, then yes, it can work. But the model you folks are talking about, the foot in the water model, will never work longterm.
I know that because I am the product of just such a marriage. When I grew up, the muzzled parent, my father was a complete stranger. We were not close and I felt bitter that I was never important enough for him to tell me how he really believed about God, the universe, etc. By the time he might have been ready to talk, he was remarried and his new wife didn't want him spending "what time he had left to enjoy" with his children.
I have no idea who my father was, how he managed to be so successful after being in five foster homes, who his primary religious influences were, why they had a cat named "Jesus Christ," etc. I found all this out from other relatives.
I don't know why you all think you would lose influence with your children if you divorce. I would have rather have had alternate weekends with my father and gotten to know him rather than spend all my time at Masses, retreats, seminars, vacation bible school and all the church time instead of the parent time.
Do you honestly think your presence without your thoughts and ideas being permitted is actually an "influence?"
Now, to my own children and what happened.
I have nine children, four boys raised in MOrmonism pretty much and five raised in a divorced home - their Dad the Mormon and me not. The kids raised in Mormonism have far more serious problems than the ones raised in the divorced home. One is dead, another is insane, a third hasn't spoken to me in ten years, the youngest of that group has two children and is in rehab as I write this.
The youngest five (girls) I raised are all working, raising children, and struggling to overcome the problems caused by my raising them with my still-Mormon mindset even though out of the church. You don't stop having a black-and-white, we're right and others are wrong, mindset just because you found out Joseph Smith was a liar and a pedophile. So there's that.
All these children feel they had a chaotic childhood because of my struggles to sort things out, moving too much, etc. They are all atheists and I am close to most of them now (having done some extensive personal work with Buddhist psychology).
The one thing they all agree on is that I handled the split from the Mormon church perfectly, and they are grateful for that. Here's what I did:
I gathered them together and said, "Look, you know that I have taught you to follow the teachings of Christ. I have just learned that the Mormon church believes that their current leader is more important than Jesus--that if he says something that's different from what Jesus said, we should all do what he says because he is living in our time.
I don't believe that at all. I think the Mormon church is wrong and I never understood that they believed this. SO - I'm not going to church at the ward any more.
I know that you have friends and some of you enjoy your classes. Any of you that want to go can go, but I am not giving rides. The little kids won't be going, except if you are singing or in a play, sure we will all go to support you.
Each of you can make your own decision, so think about it before you decide how YOU feel. Your actions should always match what you believe in your heart, so take time to decide if you need it.
At that time, seven kids were still at home, the two that were grown had already left the church. The oldest at home was fifteen. Nobody chose to continue to attend the Mormon church.
I told the kids I would be attending other churches so they could see how other people worshipped and whoever wanted to come could come along. It was all voluntary. Some did and we had some good times, but nothing really stuck.
The one thing that stuck is that my children know that I am who I am. My religion is Popeye.
It can take time to know how you feel about something important. Remember, you who have newly discovered that Mormonism is false are novices at making decisions for your life all yourself. You've been operating with a template up until now. Now there's a blank page before you.
It might help you to look away from the decision and the pros and cons for the immediate future and think about the larger part of your life. Your children will be adults and you will be there parent far longer than their childhood was. Will they feel special to you if you never told them your true feelings? Will they ever believe you?
I can tell you I never believed anything my father told me once I learned he had made an agreement with my mother not to tell me about his lack of belief in religion. It wasn't a decision, I just knew in my heart he had higher priorities than sharing his true self with me.
He ended up splitting up with my mother and marrying someone else, and then her priorities were more important, so I was right.
He died in 1997 and I didn't even cry at his funeral. He was a good, hardworking man and all, I just didn't know him.
Anagrammy
Oh, and PS. My son in rehab sent me a beautiful letter for Mother's Day. He said, "Your example of a person who can change later in life is my greatest inspiration. I don't know how you did it, but I was your biggest critic and very skeptical. You made a believer out of me and now I think if you did it, I can do it too."
He's talking about my changing from my heart and sharing it with him. I changed from a person with a comefrom of "I am right and in time you will see it" to "You may be right" and letting it go. My son is in his forties and this is the first time we've been close.
Being real is worth it.