Members of my family didn't leave because i left. In fact most of them didn't even blink an eye at it and not a single one of them ever approached me as to my reasons why.
Now maybe...just maybe...if some of their real close TBM friends left they may sit up and take notice as to why.
Our membership matters because that strengthens the tribe.
We as individuals (feelings, happiness, health) don't matter. Only those factors about us and our lives that contribute to the success and well-being of the church matter.
We all learn that eventually. I always remember that poor little 9 year old Provo girl who had leukemia. Needed help for treatment, but no, the church needs their funds for more worthwhile projects like Abercrombie's at City Creek.
That's the message I got too. My opinions mean nothing.
In fact my sister replied that she knew the reasons I gave for leaving were not the real reasons, then added a smilie face. Oh yeah, I'm sure it was because I wanted to sin or was offended, something shallow she can sneer at. No, couldn't be the racism, sexism, and homophobia I called out when I told her. No, if that was the case I might as well leave the US, she says. Lovely to hear it will be perpetuated another generation.
I naively sent a letter snail-mail to those people who I felt I wanted to share my feelings and reasons for resigning from the lds church. I just wanted them to know more about me, understand me and know was happening in my life. Trying very hard to be honest, I attempted not to preach and to be respectful of their beliefs. I felt I did a reasonably good job in accomplishing this.
To say that I was both surprised and heart-broken at the type of overall response received (very few responded), would be a huge understatement. It took me an eternity, many tears and much reading to begin to put this puzzle together. I underestimated the control of the cult on those I had reached out to, plus I learned the hard way that the best example of the wonderful happiness I had found was just for people to be around me, not announced in an unsolicited, threatening (in their eyes) letter.
And the other part of my journey has been to finally accept the fact that some of my friends and family I love who I wish could just see ME a little better, well, they will just not look my direction. I do try to not abandon the hope that maybe I will still be kicking IF and when this miracle occurs. ( and will I see a light brighter than noon-day sun or a flaming sword? Gosh, if Joe could, why can't I????)
A couple of theories thrown around by uncles and cousins about why I left have got back to me, of course no one bothers to just ask, I would be happy to tell them.
My family, immediate and extended, attribute my leaving the church ONLY to the fact that my husband and I divorced because he came out as a gay man. Done. and Done. That way, none of them have to even entertain the thought that mormonism might be wrong in any way, shape or form.
Remember how when people convert to the LDS religion, Mormons warn how they may not be accepted. But they advise that, as Mormons, you have to be an example to others and demonstrate how happy you are to be Mormon. They tell you how you have to be the better person. I think that the same thing applies to those who quit Mormonism. It becomes your responsibility to stay squarely engaged and to show how content you are. At the same time, you have to be prepared for Mormon bullshit ideas and react in a sound manner to them. For instance, if you quit Mormonism and then someone in your family has an accident or serious illness, Mormons will have the tendency to slip into magical thinking and remind you and others (or you OR others) that this terrible thing would not have befallen you had you not quit Mormonism.
My father to me after my daughter attempted suicide: "I think things would have gone a lot better if you had been able to give her a priesthood blessing." F&*%!
who has left the church, and who is doing just fine in their lives.
I got the sense when we first left, that people expected our lives to fall apart. When people have asked, all concerned, how we are doing, sometimes there is that condescending tone like they think we must be struggling. This is usually followed by surprise or confusion (disappointment?) that things are going great.
Happy, well-adjusted exmos may be one of the biggest threats to the church. Because we aren't supposed to be okay without the church.
I don't endorse "setting an example", because I now hate that phrase, and I think putting on a show for others isn't living authentically. But I do think it makes a difference when a TBM knows some "good" exmos.
And, on the flip side, I had members tell me I m doing so well and am so happy now that I'm out of the church is because Satan does not need to work on me with problems and misfortunes because he's already got me. lol You can't win either way!
I've been involved in many great projects/events in my life and learned the following:
It's true that if YOU hadn't been there or showed up to participate that things probably would have gone down the same way, the results wouldn't have been too different, and your name would not be printed in the footnotes. However, if NO ONE participated then nothing would have ever happened.
In short, the attendance or influence of one person is critical to sending a message or making change.
I'm waiting for the day a family member calls seeking support because they discovered the church to be a fraud.
We are all just one brick in the wall. Some people will avoid getting anywhere near the wall, afraid it will crush them. Some may at some point lean on it, use it as shelter from the winds and rains, or stand on it for a better view.
We rarely know beforehand when our brick will be important. Frequently, we don't even know after the fact. Almost always, it isn't just our contribution that matters, it is many contributions.
But if the bricks aren't there, there is no wall, to support, to shelter, to provide a foundation to stand on.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/14/2013 03:21PM by Brother Of Jerry.
Some ancestor in your family was the first to join Mormonism. Could be you, if you are a convert.
Someone in your family will be the first to leave. That may have already happened. If not, it could be you. Blazing a trail is hard work, but it makes life easier for those who come after.
Brother of Jerry I found out from your words that I am both a brick (glad that I am not a pr***) and that I am a blazer of trails (and I wasn't even a cub scout).
Seriously, loved the analogy of the brick wall. Is that your's and can I quote you? (your chance for fame!)