I have a friend who is gay. He's not just gay, he lives to be gay. Everything he does is gay, he goes to gay parades, he goes to gay bars he goes on gay cruises, the only thing he knows about the Supreme Court is their rulings on DOMA and Prop 8, but he couldn't name a single justice. He runs a gay support group, he goes to movies with a group of gay friends. He's a one note song, the gay note. I tell him sometimes that I know it's important for him to focus on himself and fight for his civil rights, but that there is a balance.

I'm the first to admit that I too went through a period of aggressive exmoism, every single step of recovery, including a fair amount of depression, bitterness and then passionate sharing of information. IT TOOK ME ABOUT 10 years, but eventually I realized being a victim didn't suit me and I tried to find a balance. Only then could I move on. Mormonism doesn't matter very much to me anymore. The day to day riffraff is just that to me, a pile of garbage.

Everyone has their own path. I have often called "recovery from Mormonism" a solitary journey. We all have to find our own time frames and our own idea of what it means to be recovered. Some may always need to be recovering, but I hope all of us hope to be healed. It's a personal thing to give yourself permission to be recovered. A powerful ward to remember is this, the only power they and it have over me, or you, is the power we give them.

Don't abandon your exmormonism, but don't let it consume you. Exmormonism is not who you are, it's just a remnant of who you used to be. I don't think we can ever just "be over it" and it will in the course of life events boil, maybe even violently to the surface. Bring it out on occasion, let it remind you and draw power from the passion. I wish you all a happy recovery.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 11:37AM by SLDrone.

(Yawn)

When someone is a making a major change to his/her life, it can be all consuming.

Your friend may just be getting used to being out, learning about gay America and all that goes with being out. You have to be patient with him as he adapts to his new life and persona.

If someone is taking French, they will try to practice it all the time. If you buy a new coat you love, you will want to wear it all the time. If someone joins a new church, they will talk nonstop about it. Anything that is novel captures our imagination, especially something as important as coming out.

The same goes for Exmo. When you first leave the church, it is huge. Over time, it just becomes part of who you are.

If you asked him that question he would say, "honey I was born out", and he nearly was, but being out has become WHAT he is.

What you said about recovery is spot on and well said. Recovery takes time and has it's season. When one sets out on the journey of recovery there should be a goal, a definition of what recovery means and a way to recognize when your goal has been achieved. That definition is different for each person.

How do you define Recovery from Mormonism?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 10:50AM by SLDrone.

That's right. How do each of you define Recovery from Mormonism. Not how does SLDrone define recovery for each of you as having a beginning and an end.

Really Drone? You came here just to tell people to wind it down? At what point do you recover from being a mission president?

I didn't mean to suggest anyone should "wind it down" or short change their recovery. I'm sorry if I came across that way.

My "exmormonism" consumed me for a long time, maybe for a bit too long. FOR ME it felt better when I allowed myself to stop being angry. You are one of the few that remember the massive amount of time I spent on this board. I will always be an exmormon, and at times a passionate exmormon, but it feels good to find a balance with that and a more authentic "moving on".



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 10:52AM by SLDrone.

No, but you're framing it as though there is some sort of expiration when you've hurt too long or talked about it too much, and I don't think ex-Mormons or anyone should be told to plan some kind of end to their pain.

Then as friends we disagree on that point. I think recovery should lead to recovered, but maybe not so easy to define. My original post might need a little editing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 10:56AM by SLDrone.

Yes, that would be ideal. But that should be for individuals to decide. Not for someone else to infer that they are being a "one note song."

I'm glad you have found a balance in your life. Let's let others decide what's right for them without a statute of limitations.

See if you like my edits.

I remember the time you spent here.

Don't forget all the people you helped--all the ones who read answers to your questions which were their questions too.

Exmormonism consumes you at first, just like divorce or cancer does. When you're going through something like that, other things seem insignificant. Which is totally appropriate--they are insignificant until they are healed, like a burn.

My burns are well-healed by now and I've found a new path, a new way to be me in the world. I have embraced the crazy Mormon me of the past and am now able to appreciate some good things I got from being dominated by a patriarchal cadre of self-serving douchbags.

My burn scars remind me that others are still in the burning building, or still actively hurting, so I come back here to offer hope and to help. It is also a witty bunch of friends who get me in a way no one else does--or ever could.

Here's where you can enjoy irreverent humor without a PC backlash. Here's where you can ask a question about something in your life (which I am going to do later today) just to see if your view is reality or a flashback of patriarchal backlash PTSD.

No one wants to define themselves as not-something forever, but once you have been burned in a fire, you accept that you will always be scarred. And sometimes the scars are painful. Doesn't mean you haven't survived and recovered, just means you have lifelong consequences to having had your brain hijacked.

I am a survivor of the War in Heaven. For the same reason vets go to IAVA to hang out with other vets, I come here.

Glad to hear from you SLDrone. I'd like to hear how your career is going and what you are doing with all the time and money you save now that you are not turning it over to the mob--er, the Mormons.


Anagrammy

Love it and great to hear from you! I love the analogy of the burn scars. Thanks for that.

That's what I picked up too. Is it surprising to hear one note when posting to a board that is ABOUT that one note?

LOL No, it doesn't. When I'm not browsing the forum, I really don't think about it.

It was 4 years ago as of this month that I received my letter stating that my name had been removed from their records.

I finally feel more like a non-religious person than an ex-religious person. Nevermind an ex-Mormon one.

It's becoming more difficult to even remember myself as a religious person. I know that I was, but I can't identify with her anymore.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 10:37AM by Greyfort.

Great post. I have known many people in my life who sing the one note song, but nothing is more one note only than Mormonism.

The best part of exmoism is when you realize it is the key to unlocking everything else life has to offer. It is the beginning of endless possibility. Life should be a banquet, and not a single side dish.

You can either rip off the bandaid, or pick at the edges. I've been a pick at the edges person where TSCC is concerned. Yesterday the bishop came over and now the bandaid is hanging half off and the scab is showing. I need to rip off the other side, so the wound will heal, but I don't think I have the guts to do it. So yes, I'm pretty consumed right now.

If you look forward, how do you envision feeling better? What does recovery mean for you?

Everyone's recovery is going to be different. Many leave the church and never have a second thought (think of all the inactive members who just go somewhere else). Some have been directly harmed by the church and need more time. Some may never fully recover due to their experiences and who they are and will always need some form of support or family issues, or other reasons that out of their control that keeps them from letting it go.

Each person is different. Saying things like "Don't abandon your exmormonism, but don't let it consume you. Exmormonism is not who you are, it's just a remnant of who you used to be. Bring it out on occasion, let it remind you and draw power from the passion. I wish you all a happy recovery." can come across as a little condescending.

Good for you, you've found balance and can move on. I'm all for offering support and advice, especially when asked for, but telling people basically to "move on" doesn't really work for me.

I agree that everyone has their own time frame and their own process.It took me about 10 years. Clearly someone who reacts negatively to the idea of being recovered is a long way from the end of their solitary journey. I'm not trying to be condescending but rather to give hope.

"Clearly someone who reacts negatively to the idea of being recovered is a long way from the end of their solitary journey."

Wow, really? Are you talking about me? I don't think I ever said that I was opposed to the idea of recovery. Just that people need to decide for themselves what that timeframe is.

No Mac, I wasn't talking about you at all, I was just making a general statement about recovery. It is not up to me to decide the path or the time it takes. As I've said, it took me 10 years and for half of that I was consumed. I'm pretty sure I would have fought back had someone tried to nudge me along at anything other than my own pace.

"Clearly someone who reacts negatively to the idea of being recovered is a long way from the end of their solitary journey."

I think he's talking to me since he replied to my post, but I could be wrong...

What part of my post suggests that I'm reacting "negatively to the idea of being recovered"?

I merely stated that everyone will have their own time frame for recovery.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 11:25AM by Finally Free!.

Actually I wasn't referring to you specifically but just what you said, all of which I agree with. :)

Yes, sometimes. This is because I feel like Mormonism is something that happened to me, like a bad car accident. & I feel like I'm still trapped in the demolished car.

Nor have I met others with a consuming problem of more than a few days when some of them read and write voraciously. That doesn't seem excessive to me.

These accusations on RfM are rather tiresome.

As I've always enjoyed what you've had to say.

From what I read here--those long time posters who are still here, most seem recovered, but come here to help others on their way or to vent when something happens that upsets the balance they have found--like having a TBM daughter--or when someone like Josh Weed comes out and makes the rest of us with our failed gay/straight marriages look like we failed.

I "guess" the only one who knows if we've recovered or not is OURSELVES, although I find it very comforting to know that my long time ex-mo therapist (on and off for 15 years) sees me as very well recovered from the whole experience, mormonism and my marriage. He even uses my story in his presentations--as a success story--how I made my life work in difficult circumstances. I actually live with my ex and get along GREAT with him. We have our own separate boyfriends.

But I did and still do always take offense at anyone who comes here and tells us how to recover. This is only a few moments of my life--the rest of the day I'm off doing other things that have nothing whatsoever to do with being an exmormon or the "ex" of someone gay.

I like what you have to say too, great post.

What I would like is to go out with friends and not have the subject of church take over the conversation. Or go to book club and not have the subject of church take more time than the book.

To have that happen, I'll need a new book club and new friends.
That isn't going to happen magically. I have to make it happen and I'm scared to try.

It takes time. One day you'll take the leap and then look back and smile at how daunting it seemed at first.

I hear what you are saying SLDrone and agree. It can be all-consuming, especially at first. For many of us, the hurt continues because our families are still trapped in the car wreck - we can only stand by and watch them refuse to roll down the window or open the door to escape.

It does get better with each passing year though. I can't even remember my last chapel experience other than a funeral or two.

I've moved on in every other aspect of my life with the exception of this damned board...it's too hard to quit!

Good luck with that. And who died and left you in charge of what other people care about?

Made from the finest anti-Mormon robotics - I was sent back in time to kill Lucy Mack Smith.

What I didn't know was that a group of Danites had sent Joseph Smith Senior back in time as well.

While temporarily defeating me, Joseph Smith Senior impregnated Lucy Smith with Joseph Smith Junior completing the very time loop I was meant to destroy.

Now I'm trapped in time jumping from body to body trying to put right what once went wrong - hoping that the next leap will be the leap home.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 11:35AM by Raptor Jesus.

Someone please chew me out just like this if I ever show up sounding quite this delighted with myself.
The smug cheerleading condescension is something I really work to keep out of my communicated demeanor. My husband doesn't though, he's one smug dude and I can see how it rankles other people.