My Fiance was raise in the "Church" but has been gone for more than 20 years. His sibings, except for one, are Jack Mormons and his parents are very active (temple reccomend and everything).
I was raised Catholic, and my in-laws to be are very understanding and honestly have only invited me to church once in my three year relationship. However, I get strange text messages from my MIL-to-be about things like "forever family".
Any words of wisdom on how best to deal with them without sounding like a total beezy?

Thanks!

Try to be yourself and hopefully they'll adjust.

I find it works to laugh out loud at Mormons who use "forever family" and other silly mormmony terms.

"Ha-ha-ha. 'forever family,' what a quaint term! You must have learned that one at church. We non-Mormons also know that families are forever."

Then change the subject.

Especially if/when you have kids, they might start putting the lean on your fiance more and more to go back to church and become temple worthy. You might have to become really good at politely saying "no".

If they directly bring up that they want you to convert so you and their son can be "sealed" in the temple, I would bluntly tell them that you don't believe that it's necessary. If they insist that it's what God wants, you'll just have to firmly say that you understand that they believe that, but you believe something else. Depending on their personalities, they may let it go, or may continue to bring it up for the rest of your life. Either way, a firm response up front is your best defense.

Good luck!

Wishes for a happy marriage.

Keep us posted on any MORoN stories you care to pass along.

Thank you!

There are tons of them...LOL Did I tell you about the one where I wore a sleeveless dress to the nephew's baptism!? OMGOOOOODNESS!

you are stepping into a den of snakes, and should reconsider what you are undertaking. MIL is doing her best to be polite to lure you in. That will change, once you are hooked into the culture through marriage. Be prepared for fights over the kids on church matters. Jack Mos are often the most adament in their loyalty, even if they never attend. Remember that blood is thicker than water. When it comes down to the wire he will side with his mother. My Ex always sided with his family, even when they were being idiots.

I could write a book about living for 31 years in the culture. It got so bad that I developed severe Clinical Depression. I did convert, but kept many of my East coast upbringing ideas, compounding the problem. Mormonism affected my kids deeply, and even now as adults have some residual emotional problems from it.

The best thing would be to walk away and not look back. There are other fish in the sea.

You know of what you speak. It sounds like we've had very similar experiences..I"m from NY. Although I never did give in and convert and thankfully, TBM DH left the cult and we stayed together.

I'm very fortunate that my Fiance' has been married before (three times), and never sealed. He drinks (more than I do) and only tolerates his mother's prodding for so long before he tells her to stop. I've already told him that if children are produced I'm raising them Catholic, he fully supports that decision.

I would still be very cautious.

I would still exercise extreme caution. The fact that he drinks and keeps his mother in check does not necessarily mean that he doesn't still harbour an ingrained belief.

The acid test for me would be whether he believes or not. If he still thinks the golden plates actually existed and that JS was a prophet, or even if he remains neutral on the point, I would run.

If,however,he is totally convinced it is all complete bs, I think you can make it work, particularly if he is prepared to keep his TBMs at bay.

Good luck with whatever you do though. Ultimately you know your own feelings. Just make sure you know what you are getting into if he still has any belief. I went completely off the rails for about 6 years but never stopped believing. The result was feelings of guilt building up until it got to the point that I felt I needed to return to Church, which I did. It was only after I had been drinking the kook-aid for another 20 years that I came to the realisation that the LDS church is not what it is cracked up to be..

Where's Shannon? She's been married to one for years. Not much of a cake walk.

TG

I'm a nevermo who married a Jack. Mine was abusive too, so this may not be the best comparison but be wary...you're stepping into dangerous territory. Jacks can be the most rabid even though they never go to church and break all the rules. They revert...they go back. Have kids? They want to go back to their own roots. There will be resentment towards you (and you him) and many fights when you refuse to raise your children Mormon. You'd better cover this one before you go further.

Oh, and when things go wrong in the marriage, there will always be bumps, guess who's fault it is? YOURS, of course, because you're not Mormon and because of the fucking gospel. You have to have the gospel and the priesthood and of course things are bad because you aren't temple sealed and you don't pay tithing and you don't have the gospel and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. Life and marriage would be happy and rainbows all the time if you were temple sealed, dontcha know, and had the priesthood in the home and the gospel, the gooospeeellll...and tithing. Don't forget the tithing.

Just wait until the in-laws kick it into full gear and harp all over your husband about returning to the fold. Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll just be silent and passive-aggressive on you, then hubs comes home from work and unloads Mormon bullshit all over you and your response is, "Talk to the family today??" Another fight over Mormonism ensues and how you will not let your daughters anywhere near that tripe.

They get uptight with strong women. Sure it seems fine now and I hope it stays that way, but if you're strong and not a meek little baby-voiced molly, ever so obedient and cow eyed of the wonders of the priesthood male, this could spell trouble down the road.

Lot's of criticism and judgment to be had. You've noticed this by now, haven't you?

This is a dangerous road to go. They revert. They go back. And they have the hangups that Mormons have, the passive-aggressive, the inability to deal with negative emotions. You really don't need your in-laws harping on you too. Mine didn't get too overy Mormony with me, but you can bet my husband's shitty behavior was MY FAULT, and they let it be known. Yeah, it all comes down to pay, pray, obey, and pay and the gospel. Since you don't believe it, it's your fault. It's also your fault for keeping Mr. Priesthood away from his full gospel-loving potential...all you, all you, and they have NO qualms at all pitting your own kids away from you either. They have no shame. Watch for those red flags.

No matter what future hubby says, Mormonism is ingrained. Watch out when you have kids. Also, watch out for the 'nice' facade, a.k.a. Manipulation from in laws.

My daughter married a Jack Mormon...I think his family had almost given up on him. He was off the reservation doing many things not allowed by Mormons (drinking, even had sex....he told me) Anyhow, he met my daughter, they fell in love.....dated 3 months, broke up, got back together within 6 wks. and then his parents knew this guy was serious. He really loved my daughter....now the pressure was on.And he has 7 siblings - all active.

Well, my daughter did not fall for all the lovebombing before they had met- the group was ages - 19-23 and there were so many - over 20 sometimes. Then she told them all she was not interested and three friends remained. Shortly after the others disappeared, she meets this guy who had joined the group. Once it became apparent she was in love bigtime I was really worried. She would not listen to me.

Also agree with everything omreven said. That is all true....when she and hubby had problems and she had not yet converted, I am sure it was told to her that it was her fault....they were not temple married, didn't tithe, he didn't serve as he should as his church commanded.

She did marry him civilly, but three yrs. later gave in to the family with all the "forever family" stuff and she got baptised Mormon. I told her I would only recognize her baptism as a Methodist. That holds true today. His family had a lot to do with her giving in....I just know it.They went thru trying times...lots of moves, a bankrupcy due to his opening a business with his brothers, etc.

So please know the pressure will be put on...not by your future hubby necessarily. And then when you have kids all that pressure is put on again. My poor grandson who turned 4 today is involved in all of it due to her joining. So unfair. He didn't stand a chance.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2013 01:33AM by honestone.

On the one hand, his family are laid back about their scary and outlandish religion.

On the other, his parents, plus a sibling, are committed to a cult.

I say after you are married, maintain your boundaries like a pitbull!

Don't marry fiance until he formally resigns. Insist on it.

I think it's worth an up front conversation with your Fiancee's Mother.

"MIL, I know you mean well with these messages and that you would like nothing better than for me and your son to be active members of your Church and be married in your Temple. But I think you should know, up front, that is never going to happen. I am marrying your son, not your religion. So, I would love to get along with you and have a lovely family relationship. If you push your religion on me, no matter how well intended, then we won't be able to have a relationship like that and I will stay away from you."

Get it in early, it will avoid more difficult conversations later on.

My mom got pregnant by a non member my dad. They married when she was 14 weeks along or so. Anyway after being very long inactive at least 12 years the sister missionaries found her (this is outside USA). And she came back to church. Now my mom is putting church above my dad I think it is due to he guilt for not marrying in the temple all her kids except for me never got baptized. The brain washing goes deep. Unless he formally resigns missionaries, RS or EQ could show up at your door unannounced to invite your fiancé to come back.

Why on earth would you want to marry a man who'd been married three times before?!? What is the common denominator to all the failed marriages?--him! That, coupled with his Mormon status, however inactive, would give me pause.

Proceed with caution. My niece married Jack Mormon with exactly the same family dynamics. The parents presented themselves as good Mormons with the father being a stake president and all kinds of past glorious service. Turns out they were an extremely dysfunctional family. My niece's husband (she married him) was adoring to her but living a double life. He was carrying on an affair with another woman at work and got her pregnant. The other woman realized this guy was only using her and she confessed everything to my niece. The marriage didn't last a year.

So check this guy out REALLY good. But beware. The guy's friends in this story didn't know he was this weird either. He was/is seriously screwed up.

Be extremely careful, which I say having married an inactive. I don't care how "jack" he is or how much he drinks. He's not "out" and the family pressure to "get it right this time" could be extreme. Doesn't matter how dysfunctional his family is, they'll still think they're better than you and your family's "abominable" Catholic faith. Seriously, rethink this.

A 3 times divorced man is a grave risk, no matter how you look at it.
A 3 times divorced Mormon even more so.

Get a pre-nup which states precisely what religion your children will be raised in.
It's the least you can do.

When you marry you don't just marry your fiance -- you marry his family too. You are asking for trouble when you get involved with any Mormon. Also, the previous divorces are a big RED FLAG!!!

You should read this book:
Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong by Barbara De Angelis

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_12?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=are+you+the+one+for+me+by+barbara+deangelis&sprefix=Are+You+The+%2Cstripbooks%2C185

Keep in mind that a lot of the people that post here have had a bad experience with the church and are likely to have an unfavorable outlook on the situation. My experience is that it is possible to have a good relationship with TBM inlaws if everybody maintains respect and boundaries. TBMs don't understand boundaries when it comes to religion so you will have to be agressive about setting and maintaining them. Also be open to the possibility that your JackMo could turn into a TBM. That's still workable as long as the respect and boundaries are maintained. Just don't let them suck you in.

Good luck. I married a jackmo too. We lived together and had fun. We partied and went to rock concerts with friends and it was amazing. We got married. I converted to Mormonism and we were married civilly by the bishop in the relief society room. Now he is a TBM going every Sunday, just baptized our daughter and didn't feel I could stop it. On his way now to getting the M priesthood and I am not happy with his metamorphis. I am pretty much not going to be able to stay married to him because he is pushing this stuff gung go now, and every day that goes by I am finding him less and less sexually attractive because he is so Mormon his sex appeal is highly diminished.
But have fun with that! Hopefully that doesn't happen to you and he stays jack.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2013 06:50PM by snuckafoodberry.

I have found that Many jacks become devout once they have children.

That is so true and the parents of the jackmormon lay on the guilt so the baby can be blessed Mormon. My daughter did not invite me to the blessing...it was in a different city - not too far away tho. I am sure I would have gone had it been local but also am happy I have not had to endure any of it.

Mormons think that Catholics are the whore of the earth.. how long can you live with that?

My mom married a Jack, and from what I can tell, he has no desire to return to full activity. His youngest child is now on a mission, and he did agree to help with the mission costs. His ex-wife is one of those Utah County Mormons that give moderate to liberal TBM's a bad name, to the point where his other TBM children felt uncomfortable around her. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons he and his ex divorced was because of religion.

Anyway, his TBM children including the one on the mission are not like many Mormons as they've never once brought up religion to my mom or anyone else in our side of the family. We also respect their beliefs by not drinking alcohol around them, but they don't mind seeing non-Mormons drink coffee, so the non-Mormons had a pot of coffee at their wedding reception.