I was baptized when I was 9 years old. My dad was a less active member to say the least. He had joined the Marine Corps and went to Vietnam and after seeing what he did I suspect religion was not apart of his life anymore. My mom had said she wanted to look into his church and it was within 6 months that missionaries were at the door. We had attended Catholic church right up until our missionary lessons. My parents gave me the choice to be baptized. I can still remember them telling me that. The problem is....when you are 9 years old and love your parents, you are going to follow in their footsteps without really understanding the commitment you are really making. I do not consider my baptism as being a commitment to Christ.

I went through my youth and look back on it with sadness but do not know why. I suffered from depression as long as I could remember. I did all that I was supposed to do. I attended 4 years of Seminary and went to Rick's College (now BYU Idaho). I was a nanny in Conneticut and New Jersey. I was so unhappy. I remember thinking that if I serve a mission I will really develope a love for the gospel and that would make me happy. Looking back on it now, I can see that serving at Temple Square was the best mission for me. I had access to many great people and of course had access to the Church Office Building which had a wonderful therapist for all the sisters suffering from depression. I did develope a testimony based on the knowledge I learned on my mission. We had many hours of study at Temple Square in the Winter. I had an excellent mission president and still remember him as a kind loving man. He was the father and grandfather I always wanted.

When I returned home I read some of my brothers anti-mormon literature and it threw my very foundation. I took off my garments and cried for a week. I was so lost. I called him on his mission and we talked for a long time about the church. He absolutely had me convinced that what I had read was not true. And because of the bad feelings I was having I believed that I was being deceived. I never questioned and did the research myself.

Fast forward many years and I meet and marry my husband in the San Diego Temple. He is a wonderful man. He is an example of someone who is truly a Christian within the confines of the Mormon church.We are and active duty Navy family that is retiring after 21 years next week. We have had our ups and downs like all normal marriages. I see how during the last 15 years I had hurt our marriage with my quest for perfectionism in him and how he was at home. I didn't create a loving atmosphere for him to come home to for a long time. We have 4 children together. All under 12 years old. He has been a pretty great dad to them. The first two have been baptised but the last two will not. Well....not into the Mormon church. They will be raised to think for themselves and make a commitment for Christ at an age when they want to.

We haved lived in many states and made great friends during our years in the Navy. People have asked why I left the Church now and not during the many times I have been very offended by members along our travels. I kept up the "people are not the gospel" attitude. Last year in March I finally told my husband that I really wanted to have the chance to investigate other churches and to find out if our church was really true. That was the initial quest and ultimately I wanted to make our calling and election made sure. There was no one who offended me. In fact ward I was in in this area has got to be one of the best in the church. It has some pretty incredible people in it. I knew that I wanted to stay within the church history to find the truth and one thing led to the other and here I am almost one year later. :) I am not going to pretend it was easy. It has been the MOST difficult year of my life. I became pregant soon after leaving the church and pregnancy and I do not go well together. My husband was able to use my illness as an excuse for my unhappy face. Never mind I was vomiting all day long for months. I couldn't eat and couldn't get up without feeling like I would pass out. He forgot that I was the exact same as the three other pregnancies.Despite being pregnant, this has been the happiest in my whole life. I would go through all the anguish of finding out about the true history of the church. I have lost many friend along the way. My best friend of 20years abandoned our friendship. She didn't like what I had to tell her about the church. She didn't think I would be the same listening ear I had been for 20 years. She told me in her last letter to me that what were we supposed to talk about when her whole life had everything to do with the church. Her letter to me is what finally sealed my decision for good. She named all the things they were doing as a family to live the gospel and I came to the realization that it was all works based. She was living for perfection. She didn't understand Grace. And that is why she was unhappy too. That is why I had been unhappy. I didn't have to do A, B and C to get to Heaven. It was the greatest gift for all. For me. And I became a Christian. I searched for months to find a church that would love all and accept all people, no matter what. I cannot descibe the feeling of freedom and utter peace I feel in my life. I am loved no matter what. I do not have to be perfect to be loved. My girls have a happy complete mother who loves them and now loves their dad more than anything. I pray that someday he will do the research and find out the real thruth and then join us on a journey that is only looking up.