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Posted by: jiminycricket ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 09:58PM

Saturday October 5, 2013 – (6:00 p.m. Mountain Daylight Time)

. . . And it Came To Pass . . . that the 183rd Semiannual General Convergence of the WorldWideWealthy Church of Jesus Christ of Led-astray Saints, the Morgbots was Broadcast from the Great and Spacious Building in the shadows of the everlasting House of Handshakes (Salt Lake City, Utah). Loyal cult followers from all over the world assembled to receive visionary directives and indoctrination. Cult speakers were selected from among the privileged leaders and General Authorities of the Church, the Greater Elite having been sealed and/or enjoined by secret combination to Godhood courtesy of clandestine temple rites known as the Second Anointing. © 2013 by Unintellectual Preserved, Last Rites Preferred

SPEAKERS:
. . . (1) Elder L. TOM PERRY, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
. . . (2) Bishop GÉRALD CAUSSÉ, First Counselor in the Presiding Bishopric
. . . (3) Elder RANDY D. FUNK, Second Quorum of the Seventy
. . . (4) President DIETER F. UCHTDORF, Second Counselor in the First Presidency
. . . (5) President HENRY B. EYRING, First Counselor in the First
. . . (6) President THOMAS S. MONSON, President of the Church



================================
NOTES from SESSION no. 3 (Priesthood)
================================

CONDUCTING: President Henry B. Eyring
CHOIR: Aaronic Priesthood Choir (from Murray Utah Stakes)
MUSIC DIRECTOR: Kelly B. Haun (sp?)
ORGANIST: Richard Elliot

OPENING CHOIR NUMBER: “Sing Praise To Him”

OPENING PRAYER: Elder Paul E. Koelliker, released today from First Quorum of the Seventy (way, way, way too long – it was his final ta-dah)

CHOIR MUSICAL NUMBER: “Like Ten Thousand Legions Marching”


****************************************************
1st SPEAKER: Elder L. Tom Perry
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
****************************************************
(1) Story about a Primary teacher who taught the importance of being worthy to hold the Priesthood. The boys chose an outing. They climbed a hill, the older teacher made it that far. She taught another lesson on the hill and complimented all that we could all recite the 13 articles of faith. She encouraged them to understand the doctrine found in those articles.

(2) Article no. 1: teaches about the Godhead.

(3) Article no. 2: teaches we’re responsible for our own actions.

(4) Article no. 3: gives us a vision of our Savior’s mission

(5) Article no. 4: teaches basic ordinances and principles. True doctrine comes from God. False teachings come from Satan, the father of all lies. Satan wants to deceive so we’ll lose our way back to God. The scriptures teach how to avoid false doctrines.

(6) This doctrine is like a battery in a cell phone. When it dies it becomes useless.

(7) Article no. 5-6: teaches organization of the church and Priesthood.

(8) TSCC is the same Church as Christ’s when he was on the earth.

(9) Tells the baptism of Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery wanting to know the correct manner of baptism and who had the correct authority. Then John the Baptist appeared and conferred upon them the authority to baptize. (I’m looking at Perry’s eyes. Deception galore! He knows there’s historical problems with this story.)

(10) Articles 7-8-9: instruct us with spiritual gifts through life’s journey.

(11) Article 9: teaches God will reveal to his prophets, seers, and revelators.

(12) A source of guidance is also our Church leaders.

(13) Articles 10-11-12: instruct us how to do missionary work, gathering of Israel, men are agents to accept or reject the Gospel. We sustain laws in all lands.

(14) Article 13: tells us how to conduct our lives – the virtues etc. We should all embody these attributes.

(15) Each article of faith adds value to our understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My primary teacher taught the importance of these values.

(16) While up on the mountain, it began to get dark. Returning was a challenge and difficult for our older teacher. Soon two policemen appeared to help her. The primary president sent them out to find us.

(17) Young men, use your bright minds to study and learn the Articles of Faith, and its doctrines. Use them as a guide to study the Gospel. You’ll be able to declare the truth of the restored Gospel of the TSCC.

(18) Adds testimony to the truthfulness of the Articles of Faith. That’s it.

MY THOUGHTS: I don’t trust him. He looks so darn dishonest and cagey.


****************************************************
2nd SPEAKER: Bishop Gérald Caussé
First Counselor in the Presiding Bishopric
****************************************************
(1) Nice accent. Family had to move to USA for his ‘assignment.’ (loathe that word.)

(2) I’ve traveled to many countries and witnessed many languages and cultures. Our Church is global and gathering the children of Heavenly Father. We are increasing in diversity. We’re all admitted into the House of Israel.

(3) Dissects the word, “stranger”. Jesus accepted all strangers. He sat and ate with tax collectors, the lepers etc. Jesus asks us to have perfect love.

(4) There are no strangers in TSCC, just brothers and sisters.

(5) Gives a story from Les Misérables.

(6) In TSCC the wards and quorums belong to Jesus Christ. The world is going through great upheavals: increased transportation, communication speed and global economies – the earth is becoming one large village. This serves the design of almighty God to gather all from the four corners of the earth.

(7) Many are being led by the Lord to hear the Gospel. Many are coming to your ward who look and speak differently. Each person is to be welcomed with love and kindness with HT’s and VT’s.

(8) After Christ visited the Americans, the record observes that there was unity in the people.

(9) Unity is achieved by welcoming and serving those who are new with particular needs.

(10) It’s your duty to reach out to all who appear at the doors of your buildings. Make the first move to welcome them. Consider how to help them.

(11) Bears testimony: no body is a stranger to God. He’s no respecter of persons in all nations.


****************************************************
3rd SPEAKER: Elder Randy D. Funk
Second Quorum of the Seventy
****************************************************
(1) Former mission president in India now full time Church employee.

(2) Story of a native missionary who was a convert of two years and found comfort through prayer, the scriptures and the Gospel in Preach My Gospel. Because of his growth as a missionary, he became a Branch President after his mission.

(3) How will you receive spiritual powers as a missionary? Answers are in the scriptures and living prophets and apostles. You are called by prophecy to your mission. (I thought the computer did the work?)

(4) Humble yourself in the Lord. Abide in his word. Harken to the voice of the Spirit. To have spiritual power you must be humble, obedient and hear/follow the Spirit. Ezra T. Benson taught that without the Spirit you will never succeed.

(5) Missionaries live below their spiritual potential when they’re not clean. They must humble themselves, repent, and partake of the mercy of the Savior. You become whole when you partake of the Sacrament.

(6) If you’re burdened by sin, and need to repent, please do so immediately. Rise up without delay. Talk to your bishop, branch president, or mission president now.

(7) Uses D&C promise: let virtue garnish thy thoughts etc.

(8) We gain knowledge by being obedient. God will magnify humble and obedient efforts.


CONGREGATIONAL HYMN: “Do What Is Right”


****************************************************
4th SPEAKER: President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Second Counselor in the First Presidency
****************************************************
(1) Beautiful sight to be among you. Tells a story recently of skiing, falling, and having a hard time to get up. Embarrassed he tried to hide his face. He didn’t want to be noticed in a rescue attempt. My grandson came to my side and said, “You can do it now.” Instantly, I stood.

(2) A 12-year boy reached out to me with encouragement and strength. I learned that even when we think we can’t rise up, there’s still hope.

(3) Men feel guilt, depression and failure. We pretend not to let others know. We feel burdened that we’ll never succeed.

(4) Many men have failed and given up and withdrew from the Priesthood responsibilities. They only live a shadow of their life.

(5) No one likes to fail. We all want to succeed and be champions without making mistakes.

(6) Mortal life is a test. God loves us perfectly and we have the map. The words of the prophets are part of the map. They tell us how to rise up and get back on track. Of all the principles over the centuries is the hopeful and heart-warming message that mankind can repent and get back on course.

(7) “There’s an important difference between the sorrow for sin that leads to repentance, and the sorrow that leads to despair.”

(8) Worldly sorrow pulls us down. Godly sorrow leads to conversion and a change of heart. It causes us to hate sin and love goodness.

(9) Rise up and become like the champion, the Savior. Walk in the path of discipleship.

(10) True repentance brings Heavenly assurance that we can do it now.

(11) One method of the adversary is to confuse us about who we really are and what we really desire.

(12) Another method of the adversary is to make us see the commandments as things that have been forced on us.

(13) “It is a great source of spiritual power to live lives of integrity and righteousness and to keep our eyes on where we want to be in the eternities.” Trust and rely on the promises of God and the spiritual goals he has given us.

(14) We are mindful of you as is the Lord. Rise up and follow the footsteps of our Redeemer and Savior. Stand tall.


****************************************************
5th SPEAKER: President Henry B. Eyring
First Counselor in the First Presidency
****************************************************
(1) It's a blessing to hold the Priesthood of God.

(2) Tells the story of the Good Samaritan. It’s the same story for a Priesthood holder.

(3) As a Priesthood leader you have three assurances: First, the Lord will give you if you ask the feelings of the compassion he feels for those in need. Second, he will provide others to help you in your service. Third, the Lord will recompense all who enjoy in giving help to those in need.

(Sorry RFM, I’m not writing about all the situations, or stories. I so want to QUIT writing. You have no idea how excruciating it is to hear this drivel. Now he is quoting from the D&C and words of the BoM – which are ______ you fill in the blank.)

(4) He knows Joseph Smith is the prophet of the restoration and the BoM is the word of God – “BECAUSE I HAVE TREASURED IT.”

DID YOU GET THAT. HE KNOWS because he 'TREASURES' them!

(5) Quotes the long scripture: Charity is the pure love of God etc.


****************************************************
6th SPEAKER: President Thomas S. Monson
President of the Church
****************************************************
(1) Story about growing up and staying in the family cabin in Provo Canyon.

(2) Another story about a shepherd and the followers (the sheep). Jesus is the shepherd. We’re shepherds to the families of the Church – called Home Teaching.

(3) The HT program is in response to modern revelation commissioning those ordained to the Priesthood to teach, expound, exhort, baptize and visit the home of each member etc.

I LOATHE MONSON’S WHINING HIGH PITCHED PATHETIC STORY VOICE – I’M SCREAMING AT THE WALLS OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW . . . You all better appreciate these notes. – I’m ready to quit now. This is torture to listen to.

(4) More stories! Will he just shut up! His facial expressions are unbearable – atrocious – creepy!

(5) He asks, what is a friend? A friend cares, shows love, listens and reaches out. Home Teaching answers many prayers (not my home teacher, he’s no friend since he abandoned my family last year).

(6) More stories! Speaking in falsetto at times. Too many stories.

(7) “If we are conscientious in our calling we will have many opportunities to bless lives. Our visits to those who distance themselves from Church activity can be the key that will eventually open the doors to their return.”

(8) “With this thought in mind let us reach out and bring them to the table of the Lord.”

(9) Remember the work will never be concluded it is ongoing. There are lives to brighten, hearts to touch, souls to save. Ours is the sacred privilege: to brighten, to touch and to save those precious souls entrusted to our care.

(10) He's about done. Will he bear testimony of the truthfulness of the Church? I’m waiting . . . still waiting . . . NOPE NOPE NOPE!


CLOSING CHOIR NUMBER: “God of Our Fathers, Whose Almighty Hand”

CLOSING PRAYER: Elder Walter F. González, First Quorum of the Seventy


================================
WRITER'S CONCLUDING TESTIMONY
================================
(TSCC teaches we’re to share our testimony as often as possible . . . right?) Well then . . .

. . . (1) I know the ‘translation’ of The Book of Abraham and its three Egyptian Facsimiles in the Pearl of Great Price are 19th century Machiavellian fabrications verified by proficient Egyptologists, thus obliterating Joseph Smith’s claim as a prophet and seer of ancient documents.

. . . (2) I know Joseph Smith’s translation and revelation of modern-day scripture, by means of his occultist trademark (his ‘peep-stone-in-a-hat’ ruse), annihilates the LDS claim that Smith’s restored divine eternal truths can be corroborated by supernal faith methodologies.

. . . (3) I know with absolute certainty that listening to this broadcast has been as nourishing as a hot fudge sundae smothered in whipped cream and a heaping stomach-churning swig of chocolate-flavored ipecac syrup! And I leave this testimony with you in the name of the internet lord almighty, even MormonThink.com, Amen.

Jiminycricket



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 10/06/2013 11:59AM by jiminycricket.

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Posted by: Anonymous User ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 10:15PM

Thank you! Again! :D Ugh, Uchtdorf 3 times today?!?

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Posted by: Butterfly Undercover ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 10:15PM


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Posted by: Scully ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 10:15PM

Thanks again for the summary. I appreciate it although it sounds like it is pushing you to the edge of sanity during the mind numbing drivel. It's not worth sitting through... Especially Not when the weather is gorgeous outside and you could be taking a walk or whatever.

Although... I will point out that your summary notes are more true than what is being said as per the "revelation" given in the first session where someone said what you "hear" or perceive through the HG is more important than the words actually spoken. Let those feelings out (arghghghghgh!) instead of just summarizing. :).

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Posted by: TedS1 ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 10:25PM

Thanks a bunch man. We all owe you a beer or two. (You can buy anything in this world, with Beer)

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Posted by: CA girl ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 10:35PM

Seriously - I'd chip in on some beer for you too. These are some of the best summaries I've seen. You really took one for the team. Thanks a lot!!!

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Posted by: Brethren,adieu ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 10:50PM

I really appreciate this, Mr. Cricket. I don't know how you can sit through this. Hell, I don't even know how you can stay awake through it!

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Posted by: NormaRae ( )
Date: October 05, 2013 11:36PM

You're 3/5ths of the way there J.C. We're gonna start a pool on how long you can do this before your head explodes. But you have done a dang good job with the recaps.

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Posted by: nailamindi ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 01:10AM

Thank you thank you thank you. Great summaries.

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Posted by: jackjoseph ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 01:55AM

"There are lives to brighten, hearts to touch, souls to save. Ours is the sacred privilege: to brighten, to touch and to save those precious souls entrusted to our care."

Haha! I can just imagine Monson saying that, expressions, pauses, vocal inflections and all. :)

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Posted by: Lori C ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 03:11AM


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Posted by: notnewatthisanymore ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:17AM

You, my friend, are a gift from the Gods ;)

No, seriously, I really appreciate these, but if you need to stop, by all means stop. Protect your sanity. Or, alternatively take a few shots during each session, I know that helps me deal with stupid people and things.

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Posted by: exmorphmon ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 08:46AM

Nice job jiminy! You suffered that we might have education.

Thank you! (offering the sign of the thank you: a regular handshake)

Hope you have no lasting excruciating after effects like hearing voices: Tommy whispering in your ear, in the middle of the night..... take care!

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Posted by: cludgie ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 08:49AM

God bless you for watching Monson so that we don't have to! You deserve some virgins in the afterlife or something.

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Posted by: rhgc ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 08:58AM

Thank you for your efforts in saving us from the torture of watching the talks ourselves!

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Posted by: angela ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 09:00AM

Adding my sincere thanks too, Jiminy.

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Posted by: presleynfactsrock ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 09:33AM

Merci beaucoup. May your endurance and patience continue throughout the remainder of the Indoctrination of the Gullible Saints.

I do appreciate your work, and especially your sharing your description of Moaning Monson. I'm happy to realize that someone else finds his facial expressions creepy and his voice whiny and insincere. From the first time I heard him speak years ago, I said that there was something about him that made chills move up and down my spine. I would never want to be in the same room as that man.

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Posted by: Bite Me ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 10:02AM

Jiminycricket, all I can say is "damn, you took one for the team." I hope the PTSD it causes won't affect your permanent record.

As a side note, here are a few abridgments made by the hand of a ex-Moron (just trying save you some brain damage)...

Oh, and just unnecessarily preface each speakers' remarks with "It came to pass"

Speaker #1: "Jesus is our Mormon Prison Bitch and does whatever we in the Q12/15 tell him to do, so stop pretending to understand or live the articles of faith or figure out Mormon doctrine. Just go tell everyone you get it, it's easier that way."

Speaker #2: "I like Broadway plays. It's easier to see them living here in America. Oh, and annoy the sh*t out of everyone who is or might be thinking of joining the cult."

Speaker #3: "Stop beating your meat, it offends baby cheezus."

Speaker #4: "All you penisholders out there, both male and female, forget everything I pretended to say in my two earlier talks. The ONLY real reason why people leave is because they sin and embarrassed about it. So, get off your asses and go bug them to come back. They're all just waiting for you to knock on their doors."

Speaker #5: "My Dear Brethren, (stands there and cries for twenty minutes), in the name of cheese and rice, ramen."

Speaker #6: "More lovebombing. People just love that sh*t, so get to it. Besides I need to upgrade my ride. Tell them to bring their checkbooks when they come back."


Hope this helps. Oh, in prep for the Sunday sessions, make sure to fuel up on some of those cinnamon rolls anonymously left on your doorstep.

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Posted by: Lettucegodown ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 11:05AM

You forgot to mention Monson's friend's name was Dick Hammer. Maybe they were pals on the same porno sets in the 70s's.

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Posted by: Bite Me ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 11:31AM

Yes, and Dick is still coming, but coming slowly.

(I wonder who vetted that talk? Packer, maybe?)

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Posted by: Greyfort ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 11:33AM

You're amazing, dude. I couldn't do it.

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Posted by: ItsGettingBetter ( )
Date: October 07, 2013 03:03AM

It is interesting that Caussé said to reach out to anyone who comes to your buildings right after they turned away the women who came to their building.

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Posted by: dontwanttobeanLDSidiot ( )
Date: October 07, 2013 04:45AM

Great job! Really great summary! I couldn't do it, I hear Monsoon talk and I instantly dose off.

Also I'm curious ,what happened with your home teacher abandoning your family?

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