I came out to my family back in March [1] and I had not seen my parents since this past Christmas. My father and I had an altercation over email [2] during the holidays and we haven't had words since.

My 94 year old grandfather went into surgery yesterday so I went to visit him one last time just in case things didn't go well. I knew my parents would be there and I was slightly apprehensive about the encounter. I heard that my father had prepared a harsh response to my 'coming out' email but he never sent it, so I didn't know what to expect. My TBM wife told me to be cordial and if my dad brought anything up I was to simply redirect him to the purpose for our visit and leave it at that.

My mom and older brother were already at the hospital when I arrived. They were waiting on my father to bring some oil so they could give my nevermo grandfather a blessing. My older brother, already knowing my position in regards to the church, still asked if I had any oil. I chuckled and told him 'no'. Dad ran late so my brother had to give a solo blessing without oil so the nurses could go ahead and take grandpa into surgery. I was not invited to join in on the blessing and I didn't expect to be invited either. No surprise there.

My dad arrived shortly after we moved to the waiting room. He looked around the room and saw me and my brother talking in the corner. Dad chose to sit across the room near my wife and kids and he started talking with them. He would occasionally look in my direction, and as soon as I would look up he would turn back to my wife and kids. This went on for 30 minutes or so. I could tell that he wouldn't initiate a conversation so I went over and started talking to him. It was as if nothing had happened at all. He told several church related stories, some mundane work related talk, and then we talked about grandpa's condition. No mention of our previous altercation, my calling him a Pharisee, or anything about me being an exmo.

My parents have always ignored problems so I'm curious if they're just pretending I never said I left the church or that I don't believe anymore. Maybe if they just pretend I didn't say any of it, it will eventually go away.

[1] http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1198577
[2] http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1126472

Hold Your Tapirs Wrote:
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> My parents have always ignored problems so I'm
> curious if they're just pretending I never said I
> left the church or that I don't believe anymore.
> Maybe if they just pretend I didn't say any of it,
> it will eventually go away.

I think this is likely. My parents think of me as inactive not exMormon though plenty of my siblings could vouch for the latter in my not being a latter-day saint.

It makes them feel like they didn't fail and that is all that is important to them. That is toxic to me so I have nothing to do with them.

When I came out to them my mother went into a dither and just kept repeating "You know it is true! I taught you better than that!" and eventually left the room and would not return.

Elder Berry Wrote:
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> "You know it is true! I taught you better than that!"

Whoa. That is a cry of pain right there. She thinks she has failed. No other success can compensate you know.

I really hate what the church does to families.

Yeah, and the funny thing is the pain is because of me not for me.

Once when I was around "the age of accountability" I was standing next to my mother at a family gathering. She tripped and fell and told everyone that I had pushed her.

This was at a time when the very thought of pushing her would have been anathema to my young mind. But to save face she wanted me to take the blame.

I learned then her true nature. Her kids were hers to use as she saw fit and to get as much glory from as possible.

Welcome to the logical extension of Mormon glory - you are in a social hierarchy more concerned with itself than the natural love generated in loving families. Loving families don't shun, blame, or control to the logical extent LDS Inc. theology encourages.

"My parents have always ignored problems so I'm curious if they're just pretending I never said I left the church or that I don't believe anymore. Maybe if they just pretend I didn't say any of it, it will eventually go away."

This is my parents' approach for everything...don't talk about anything uncomfortable...ignore it and it will go away. I told my parents of my disaffection a couple years ago. They dismissed the few concerns they let me get out and haven't mentioned it since then. They do ask questions about church to try to gauge my level of activity, but they won't say much. Things are relatively calm for now. Not sure what will happen when my daughter turns 8 and I tell them I'm not baptizing her. I imagine they'll call this Fall/Winter and tell me they were looking at flights to come out for DD's baptism. I'll say, "Oh, there's no need for that.", and all hell will break loose.

Anon.for.this. Wrote:
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>
> This is my parents' approach for
> everything...don't talk about anything
> uncomfortable...ignore it and it will go away.


Yyyyyyep. I can 100 percent relate to this.

Some people are axlot less confrontational face to face. It's one thing to write a harsh reply (even if it isn't mailed) but it's another to deliver it verbally when the other person can debate it then and there.

I always found it strange faithful LDS people who were ill never seem to have enough faith to get well and always needed 2 males from the church to bless them because they did have enough faith.


If being Mormon is such a blessing then why do mormons need blessings from other mormon?

So the givers of the blessings can get the blessings one receives for giving blessings.

Not just other mormons, but mormons from a higher structure. Father blesses child, but not the other way around.
Bishop blesses 1st Counselor, but not the other way around.

If you are an Elder, you can bless a person who is a HighPriest if you are his HomeTeacher.

Naturally, there is nothing written that says it must be this way, but it is well understood that this is how hierarchy works and mormons are all about submitting to authority.

I am sorry that your father is treating you this way. Even when I was TBM, it baffled me that anybody could treat their family members this way. I always felt that if they weren't going to CK with you, that you should treasure every moment that you have with that person now.

Now the thought makes me even more angry. Your dad believes wholeheartedly and can't help the way that he is feeling bc he TSCC is his life. Just keep loving him through the muck the best you can. Blame the addiction, NOT the addict.

How do they get away with giving a blessing without the magic oil? In witchcraft and mormonisim you get the incantation and moves or props just right or the spell (blessing) doesnt work. Maybe they should admit that the magic oil is just a silly prop and do away with it

since our initial discussion, over a decade ago. I thought I might get kicked out of the family, but the reaction was tepid. I think they thought it was a phase, and maybe they are still in denial.

I'm okay with that. I see no point in having a discussion about something they have basically left me alone about.

imaworkinonit Wrote:
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> I'm okay with that. I see no point in having a
> discussion about something they have basically
> left me alone about.

If I have anything to do with them they won't leave me alone about it. It ALWAYS comes up. I get enough LDS Inc. worship in my own little family. Why would I want to have anything to do with my parents and siblings who are so deep into Joseph Smith worship that it creeps me out to think about it.

At least with my own little family I can defend the other side. With my parents and siblings they walk away, hang up, attempt to change the subject when I tell them what I believe to be true.

I'm sorry--as a nevermo, I find it so ODD seeing a man (your father here) getting so butt hurt , getting his knickers in a twist and avoiding the elephant in the room. That's so woman-like.

Odd.

Welcome to the cult.

You said your parents ignore problems and pretend a lot. Sounds like my in-laws. My father in law was a narcissist, and with a narcissist no one else's feelings matter. All that matters is how he thinks he looks to the outside world.

perky Wrote:
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> My father in law
> was a narcissist, and with a narcissist no one
> else's feelings matter. All that matters is how
> he thinks he looks to the outside world.

Sounds like my mother. All that matters when she is around is her point of view.

Why was NEVERMO grandpa getting a blessing in the first place? Did he want a blessing?

You can be grateful for one thing... acting like nothing negative happened. At this point, considering your grandfather's health, it's probably wise to do what you wife said: be cordial!

My consensus from dealing with problems for 50 plus years in a marriage with growing children is that sometimes letting go of the problems is the best recourse. That's a personal thing I do when I have no power to make a change or to change another person.
I Let Go. Take a deep breath, and move on.

Hope you have more time with your grandfather.
Still not sure why he had a blessing. Seems strange, but maybe he asked for a prayer?