Posted by:
esias
(
)
Date: May 27, 2015 09:06AM
Simple. There's this family living in Jerusalem 600 BC and the father starts having strange dreams in bed. The family is quite normal and believes in an invisible man who lives in the clouds. This invisible God - a scrap metal merchant - sends a messenger (who they can see) to commit murder and seize a shedload of gold. Naturally, the old man takes his family into the desert in search of the promised land. The family builds a magic ship and eventually they land in (New York, North America, Central America - delete as appropriate). The family breeds faster than rabid rabbits, splits into two gangs - the Bloods (Lamanites) and the Scriptures (Nephites) - oh and Jesus the Main Man pops in for a visit - erm, and once having received the true gospel, the Scriptures (Nephites) start turning from black to white - a bit like Michael Jackson. Then the two gangs go at it like John Wayne stylie - like we are talking millions of soldiers who are peed off bcause they have no television - like and then, right, the bones of the dead magically disappear, and God is peeing himself because he is on a mission to tell people this uplifting story, so he writes down the story on gold plates, but with loads of circumlocutions, tautologies, oddisms, plagiarisms, anacronisms to throw us off the true scent of God, and then God because he hasn't got off his ass for eighteen hundred years conjures a brilliant plan to form an alliance with a a mendacious, magic-treasure-hunting, con-man paedophile sociopath with God's light shining out of his bottom, and even his farts smelling of roses, so you shut up - right - now you shut up right, you shut your Jack-Mormon face,'cause Joseph Smith really really is true, and. my sister has a picture of him on her wall, but here's the rub - and for a mere ten percent of your income and eighty percent of your time, you too can have the privilege to clean toilets, rub along with the scum of society, wear magic underpants, abandon all reason, own a tube of magic oil, and worship a fascist sadistic mass-killing empire-building maniac.
Mormonism. You know it makes sense.