Simple. There's this family living in Jerusalem 600 BC and the father starts having strange dreams in bed. The family is quite normal and believes in an invisible man who lives in the clouds. This invisible God - a scrap metal merchant - sends a messenger (who they can see) to commit murder and seize a shedload of gold. Naturally, the old man takes his family into the desert in search of the promised land. The family builds a magic ship and eventually they land in (New York, North America, Central America - delete as appropriate). The family breeds faster than rabid rabbits, splits into two gangs - the Bloods (Lamanites) and the Scriptures (Nephites) - oh and Jesus the Main Man pops in for a visit - erm, and once having received the true gospel, the Scriptures (Nephites) start turning from black to white - a bit like Michael Jackson. Then the two gangs go at it like John Wayne stylie - like we are talking millions of soldiers who are peed off bcause they have no television - like and then, right, the bones of the dead magically disappear, and God is peeing himself because he is on a mission to tell people this uplifting story, so he writes down the story on gold plates, but with loads of circumlocutions, tautologies, oddisms, plagiarisms, anacronisms to throw us off the true scent of God, and then God because he hasn't got off his ass for eighteen hundred years conjures a brilliant plan to form an alliance with a a mendacious, magic-treasure-hunting, con-man paedophile sociopath with God's light shining out of his bottom, and even his farts smelling of roses, so you shut up - right - now you shut up right, you shut your Jack-Mormon face,'cause Joseph Smith really really is true, and. my sister has a picture of him on her wall, but here's the rub - and for a mere ten percent of your income and eighty percent of your time, you too can have the privilege to clean toilets, rub along with the scum of society, wear magic underpants, abandon all reason, own a tube of magic oil, and worship a fascist sadistic mass-killing empire-building maniac.

Mormonism. You know it makes sense.

Very clever rendition and summary.

I vote on your summary to replace the offical Preface To The Book Of Mormon!

I posted your reinspired scripture at the Salamander:

http://www.salamandersociety.com/reinspired/

That's a great abbreviated version, and not a "came to pass" in sight.

I can't vouch as to its accuracy because I'm a nevermo and have never read the BOM (I tried. People talk about getting through 3 Nephi. 1 Nephi did for me ;-).

I'm sure many people on this site HAVE read it. How do you rate Esias's summary?

Tom in Paris

ya ~ esias pretty much nailed it

picker of nits here. The Nephites didn't "turn white", they were always white. Only the Lamanites could turn white because gawd had cursed them with a skin of darkness.

London dude nailed it - now doing the rounds as the darkside summary of the BoM. Missed out many details but the BoM is so bad I can't for the life of me remember what - hey, Tal called out the professor yesterday so he's had a bad day - all quiet

Yo homes, I used to be down with the Scriptures. Knew the handshakes and everything. Never did get to smoke any tapir monkeys.

What an upgrade for the Book of Mormon. So much more readable.

I got so excited when I read it, I dropped on my knees and prayed to know if it was true. And you know what? The last couple of lines are!

" . . .and for a mere ten percent of your income and eighty percent of your time, you too can have the privilege to clean toilets, rub along with the scum of society, wear magic underpants, abandon all reason, own a tube of magic oil, and worship a fascist sadistic mass-killing empire-building maniac."

Tal is calling all Intelligent Design skeptics out? I'm thinking Professor esias + bad boy Benson + um, go to bed, London. You and Benson can be the Crips, and Tal can be the ... Make mine a double - Matt, Londonside, you up for a major major party and a London meet up n tour? Open invite sis

now that you put it THAT way ....

Vs. the version I was taught:

Oh how lovely was the morning, radiant beamed the sun above, birds were singing bees were humming (or the other way around), music ringing through the grove...

you've been watching way too much teletubbies. *L*