I chose to leave my (over ten year) marriage over a year ago. This was a good decision for me. I was not happy. We went to couples' therapy for years. He had/has lots of issues (which I won't go into).

The divorce has been finalized. My ex and I are on relatively good terms and co-parenting our kids.

He is now dating someone new. I thought I had really processed the end of the relationship - going through all the emotions of anger, fear, sadness - but this has thrown me through a loop. Maybe it's seeing her with my kids. Maybe it's seeing her with my kids in my former house (he kept the house). Maybe it's thinking that the relationship with her will work (he has lots of issues that I don't know that he has fully addressed). I don't really think it will work, but I don't know (of course). And maybe she's more comfortable with putting up with his bullsh*t than I was.

FWIW, she seems like a nice person. I first met her gardening with my kids. What an amazing metaphor - to be gardening with my kids! I haven't asked my kids about her at all - or my ex. I am curious but do not want to put them in the middle.

Therapy was sort of helpful - but basically everyone says that these feelings are normal and natural. Maybe it would be easier if she were totally crazy and a complete b*tch - maybe it's harder that she seems kind and stable.

How have you processed or dealt with feelings after a marriage or relationship ends (and your ex enters a new relationship)? I know that the anger and resentment will only increase and run my life. I don't want that. I know it will take time. Any and all tips and tricks are welcome.

Your number one concern should be that she is kind to your kids. Kind meaning friendly, but not trying to replace you. Be glad if your kids like her. In the long run it will make your life easier.

You don't have to be friends with her, but polite and civil is a good way to be.

My ex had several girlfriends before he re-married. There was one that I really liked, and my kids adored her. I was worried that she would marry him and it would be a disaster for her. She saw the light though, and ended the relationship. 20 years later my kids are still friends with her.

The person he ended up marrying is a real piece of work. My kids have despised her from day one. She has a mean disposition that she carries around with her most of the time. She's snarky and loves to snipe. My kids steer clear of her, and were not happy they had to invite her to their weddings. They survived.

This could be a temporary relationship, so don't get all wound up about it. She could be gone tomorrow. Go with the flow, and take it one day at a time. Try not to project into the future. Nobody knows how that's going to go anyway.

mehbe this little quiz will help:

"What Is Your Ex Saying About You Right Now?"

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexisnedd/what-is-your-ex-saying-about-you-right-now#.gqyE2jr1G2


ziller

Apparently my Ex refers to me as “crazy,” but that’s just because you dared to be your own person. You didn’t agree with them and dared to be a complex human being and somehow, in their sad little world, that makes you “crazy.”

Hmmm... probably true. This buzzfeed thing must be guided by the holy ghost fellow.

I got the same thing! I wonder if the answer is always that the ex refers to you as crazy....

So that buzzfeed quiz is just like the church? One size fits all. You are the same as everyone else. :D

Mine said we're still friends... Not true.

Perhaps you fear he and the kids will somehow be happier without you.

Yes,
I've been there, too. I AM there, actually; my ex remarried about three weeks ago.

I found myself strangely upset about it. Why? I had a hard time figuring that one out. I didn't care if he found someone new, I wasn't jealous, I didn't miss him or want him back.

I found that I felt upset for a few reasons. I'm not saying I should feel this way or that it's good or bad to feel this way. I just did. Feelings are feelings and it's how we process them that matters.

1. This new person is going to know all the worst things about me. God, I don't like that! She's going to (actually, she DOES) look at me with scorn, derision and dislike. I am the ex. That's just how it works a lot of the time. I clearly remember how my ex made the end of his first marriage entirely his ex-wife's fault and painted her to be one of the worst humans alive. I can only imagine what he says about me. Sheesh.

2. This person is going to be stepping into my old life. What if she does it better? What if she keeps the house cleaner, cooks better, decorates better? Something in me does not want that to happen.

And the number one reason I was upset, by far:
3. This person is now going to be spending relatively the same amount of time with my kids as I spend with them!

Number three is where the jealous monster in me rears its ugly head. Now, I was a stepmother for 25 years, so I know all about being a stepmother, and how it feels to be on that side of it, too. These feelings are not logical, they just are.

Perhaps you are feeling some of the same things?

claire

It does throw one for a loop, doesn't it. My ex was engaged 4 days after our divorce was finalized, but it was when I saw that he was going to be married in less than 2 months of said finalization, that I became very weirded out...for a weekend...not so much anymore, just glad I'm not married to him any longer.

Just be glad that his many "issues" don't have to be your issues anymore. You are a good parent not to put your kids in the middle by asking them questions about what goes on with their dad and new partner. If she is nice and kind, be glad because whether you like it or not she will be an influence on your kid's lives. Use the time they are with their dad to go out and have some adult fun. My daughter started going to some cowboy bar/dance hall with a female friend. She said that it was such an eye-opener that she could have fun and NOT have to answer to her ex or anyone!

Your feelings are understandable, and quite human. Just keep remembering that you left him for a reason (or for many reasons.) If the girlfriend is kind to your children, that's a good thing.

My ex married about 2 years after we split. I was glad for her. She wanted a temple marriage, she got it. The guy was reasonable about my visitations. They lived a good life for many years. I chose to never re marry. Life is good,,

There could be many factors at work here.

Including jealousy?

I had a girl friend who broke up with me. We'd only dated for about a month and only had sex once.

However, several years later when I began dating someone else, my ex became very jealous, indeed!

She didn't want me, but she didn't want anyone else to want me, either!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2015 07:58PM by matt.

He was nasty and abusive and I had wanted out for years. He kept refusing, although it was absolutely clear that he had no love for me at all.

He moved my replacement into the house (I didn't bother to object; I was too overwhelmed by then) before I ever moved out.

It was sort of like bigamy, I guess, although they both denied being anything but "friends." I worked outside the home and she did the domestic stuff. I deeply resented her presence but knew it would do no good to say anything.

I eventually went into a near-psychotic depression and had to be hospitalized for two months. After that, my sweet husband said, "Now you can have your divorce, and I will have complete custody of our child because you have been proven to be insane and therefore unfit."

He made frightening threats against me if I even consulted with an attorney, so I went through the divorce without representation. I lost custody of my only child, to whom I had been essentially a single parent for a decade. And a good one.

Once that child was old enough to leave home, he did. He lived with me and my new husband for a couple of years, and is now married with children of his own. I see my grandchildren often. The ex doesn't see them at all, and my son has virtually no contact with his father.

He doesn't talk very often about his years with his father and the Stepmother From Hell, but from what he has said, they were pretty miserable.

Why did the ex insist on having custody of the child he never raised a finger to care for? It was bad enough to lose my salary when we divorced; he didn't want to have to pay child support. His enchanting new bride was an alcoholic and could not keep a job.

They married in 1988 and are still together. My son says that as far as he knows, they are happy. Personally, I think they deserve each other.

For what it is worth: I will gladly (GLADLY) throw in 100 dollars to anybody who is willing to marry that thing that I was formerly married to. I would be thrilled to see somebody, anybody, as long as I do not care about you very much... make that at all .... make that I can't stand you.... make that I hate you....... its the only way I could feel good about subjecting some one to such a hellish lot and assignment, who could step up to the plate and act as some kind of marital partner that could serve to further take her off of my hands, not that I have much of anything to do with her, and in turn as some kind of distraction, and in turn some kind of deflection and or absorber of some of the hate and animus that is normally directed my way because I did not turn out to be Jesus's right hand man to help with the second coming. Fair warning, I will be reveling in your travails , agony and anguish, as I hear about it on a very delayed second or third hand basis from a considerable insulating distance. I fully realize that it is not a lot of money, unless a person really knows how much I object and abhor the thought of giving her anything more, and it is the thought, of giving that is, that is supposed to count.

Wow smirkorama.

In the end, I realize that for me personally, what I hate will consume me. The more anger that I have at a person or situation, the less time I have loving and enjoying life.

I know that many divorces break bad, and that people can be mean and evil to one another. I'm sorry to hear that was the case in your situation.

Maybe in my situation it would be easier if I had only hate and bile for my ex, and I never wanted him to be happy again.

I actually do want him to be happy. We could never be happy with one another. He is a good person. I think that makes it harder. I wish that the marriage could have worked out (for the kids). It s*cks.

My concern for your degree of hostility is matched only by my amusement of your narrative...very funny and well written.

I hope this isn't as all-consuming for you as it comes off.

And it does beg the question: How did you fall for this person to begin with?

Sometimes when we see our former partner with another...we sort of go back to feelings of our old life and ask questions.
It sounds like seeing your ex and children with a new woman is triggering something deeper emotionally?

I can still recall seeing my ex-hubs for the first time with someone else. I soooo disliked her. My kids disliked her. Then I saw him treat her badly and I felt sorry for her. All those feelings are normal and they are NEW to you. Feel them and then release them.

You have a new life and a new normal. Make it a happy one.

Be HAPPY that she is a nice person! It would not be easier if she was crazy, then you would worry about your kids all the time.

Keep your focus on your children's wellbeing. You are absolutely right not to ask about the new woman. It is not your business unless red flags go up about her treatment of them.

Otherwise, focus on your own life.

And find some humor in it...I used to tell myself that I never minded seeing my Ex with another, because I was raised to give my used toys to the less fortunate! ;P

RMM

Even though my ex movedout almost 6 years ago, I still have a hard time. His first ex ruined us financially and the relationship with my sonandhis dad.

This one is pretty cool. It is veery hard though. They were overfro christmas. I feel like the third wheel.

My ex isgay, so maybe that makes it easier?

When I just saw him for my son's graduation I was jealous and heartbroken a bit. This is something that we should have been doing, not me, him and him.

I ultimatley want himto be happy.. We are in a fight about money and it got kinda ugly. His partner hasmoney but they would not pay our health insurance premium for the 3 of us,both my ex and his son and me. Helet it go until it was 900 and they finally paid itbut said no moremoney for me. Soooo, ummmm, what do i do to pay bills? So we are in a bad placeright now.

I can'tworkandI don't yet get SSI which won't bemuc anyway. I hate that he thinks he doesn't haveto take care of hisresponsiblities(me). I know somewoulddisagreewith that, but I put up with a lot, have been there everytime hefelldown,broke up, needed somewhere to stay. Hell I still makesure his health insuranceis paid as well as his cell phone. But wewere marrieda longtime too. I would love to be healthy and working and supporting myself.

Anyway, it is natural to feel that way. I remember watching my ex and his first man walking MY DOG in ourneighbor hood. I was sitting ont he porcch and watched them walk around the corner and cried so much. I wassupposed to be doing that with him.

Divorce sucks

and was gay, too, I was beyond jealous for many, many reasons, part of it being that the boyfriend was more important to him than his own children--let alone financing his children's lives. They did want me to end up in the psych ward and tried really hard to drive me there. I finally gave up on them ever splitting and THEY DID.

I am really good friends with his next partner (they are not together any longer, but still friends). My son and this other partner are best friends, too.

NOW when my old boyfriend came back into the picture--the one that got away 5 years before I met my ex, my gay ex was BEYOND jealous. My kids even thought it was bizarre (and hysterical). We all ended up living together for 6 months while my boyfriend moved from out of state. We all get along pretty good right now. I've never met ex's current boyfriend of 3 years. He is foreign and thinks it is crazy that my ex and I get along so well. Once my feelings of jealousy disappeared, I knew I had made it.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager.

They both started new lives...but my sibling and I fell through the cracks. They would just as soon have never met, and we were reminders of the life they shared together. By 16 my younger sibling was living in a motel and my stepmother's welfare-abusing adult daughter and her illegitimate baby moved in, taking over the extra bedrooms. (My dad got the house too.) As a FT college student, I was dropped from both the car and health insurance without notice because I was too expensive to maintain. Meanwhile, our mother was hardly ever heard from as she bounced through boyfriends and living arrangements.

(My parents were both hardcore TBMs from hardcore TMB families, btw.)

All that said, their divorce has affected me more now, as an adult and a parent myself. It's hard to raise a family of my own while bouncing between two parents with two different lives. My kids don't know what to call who and we all have to be careful not to talk about one around the other (because it pisses off their spouses.) I can't share pictures on social media without rubbing the other one wrong and my kids have learned how to live on eggshells when it comes to figuring out holidays and stuff.

Whatever you do, do not disengage with your children. Do not build a new life and leave them behind.

If your ex is doing this, they will need you more than ever.