Alright everybody, So for the next week, it is spring break so I don't really have anything to talk about Seminary wise. I do have a little bit of news, I did not have to attend the dedication of the international house of handshakes provo part two. That was good. I have also applied to USU. That is also good.

Since i really don't have anything to talk about concerning the wierd bullshit that eminates from my ass-clown seminary teacher, I think we will try to make something funny out of our situation. I think we should try to compile a list of all the things that piss tbm's off, simply for shits and giggles!

I will start this procession with my own two cents.

Bring coffee into their houses of worship and watch the look of rage and horror as you DON'T burst into flames on the spot. Look them in the eye, announce loudly how delicious your coffee is to the class or congregation. Looking the teacher/conductor in the eye will definitely add to best effect.

Also giving the apostles nicknames such as "Tommy Boy" or "Jeffrey Jowls". It seems to drive them nuts when you leave out their damned middle initial, let alone make fun of them.

So please, let the tomfoolery begin!

Bring a flask of your favorite clear alcoholic beverage Vodka, gin etc to communion and drink it instead of the water also make sure you offer a sip to the person sitting next to you.

EA, I'm so glad that you have applied to USU! Make sure that you apply to a few other schools as well, including your local community college. Also, apply for financial aid while you do so (if the deadline hasn't passed) if for no other reason than to see if they will give you any scholarships or grants. If the school offers loans as a part of the package, you don't need to accept them.

Really, to show the proper disrespect to the Mormon GAs, all you have to do is call them by their last names, like "Bednar." You say, "Well, according to Bednar..." That seems to really rub them the wrong way.

Every now and then, say "Mr. So-and-so," instead of "brother" or "elder." Casually ask about the welfare of Mrs. so-and-so. That sets them off.

You don't have to actually drink coffee, just give your custom to Starbucks by bringing in something in a Starbucks cup--Starbucks oatmeal, Starbucks hot chocolate... When my TBM sister sees the Starbucks logo, she goes nuts.

Ask important and pointed questions with a real tone of innocence. If they talk about the temple, innocently ask why they cut out the death oaths and other once-important parts in 1990. Ask why they changed the title page to the BoM back in 2005 (or whenever), to reduce the claim that the Native Americans descended from Nephites and Lamanites. But always ask in total earnestness and innocence, like you really want to know.

Good that you applied to USU. Any state or even community college will be better than Mormon Bob Jones U. I'm so happy I transferred to Wossamatta U.

I think it was the second or third investigators' class I attended after marrying my wife a few years ago. I didn't know much about TSCC yet and DW was eager for me to learn "the truth" before I stumbled on "anti-mormon lies".

Anyway, after class the ward mission leader came up to us and was eager to strike up a conversation with me, being a prospective new member and all. After pleasantries and friendly banter, WML asked how my studies were going. Being naturally irreverent, and still in a bantering mood, I joked that my TBM DW had filled me in on all of the good stuff; like the secret handshakes, passwords, and blood vows. Mind you, I was just blowing smoke out my arse, and it wasn't until weeks later, when my research began in earnest, that I realized I had just joked openly about something they really do in temple.

After seeing the reaction of both my wife and the WML, who tried to laugh off my faux pas by saying, "they're sacred, not secret", I realized I may have crossed a line.

On the way home I told DW that I hoped I didn't embarrass her in front of Smith. She coldly replied, it's "Brother Smith". The rest of the ride home was a lecture on proper TSCC etiquette.

AS long as you cover the mermaids shoulders you'll be safe.

Good job applying to non-religious colleges!

I've found that Mormons don't like it if they hear their leaders called by nick names like Joe Smith, Briggie Young, or Danny Peterson. Nothing wrong with nick names, but TBMs like formal titles and full names as you say with the middle ignition included. Silly, isn't it?

...Try saying "Moroni" with a sharp ee sound (like Macaroni) or Nepheeee.

Use phrases that are true like "Brother of Jesus, James" or worse, if asked to say a prayer overstate the use of "olde English", using Thees, Thous, Arts and adding -eth's to every other word, (i.e. "We humbleth requesteth that thou would allow thy Spirit to leadeth us and confirmeth thy holiest gospel and the truthfulnesseth of thine only begottenth Son!")

Or worse, during the thanking part of your prayer, be extremely thankful for everything; I mean everything. Thank him for the great lunch, the most pleasant lovemaking, be thankful for your wife's breast or for being blessed extra endowed, etc...

I agree saying the name Moroni as "Moronee" really pisses them off. I made the mistake of pronouncing that guy on top of the temple that way, and my ex was really upset. Also, referring to him as that gold plated dude on the temple is also offensive to TBM's.

Simple plug in their favorite sarcastic adjective "so-called" in front of any Mormon term. For example:

So-called prophet, Thomas S Monson.

So-called modern revelation.

So called true church.

So called gospel.

When the subject of eternal life comes up, I explain (in all sincerity) that I'm not greedy, that I've enjoyed too many blessings in this life to count, that this life is more than enough, and that therefore I have no need or desire to live beyond the grave.

Why I'm here and where I'm going, I don't care. I certainly don't deserve the warmth of the sun, the laughter of children, the taste of cool water on a hot day, the embrace of my wife--but I get these and much, much more all the time. I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, as grandma used to say.

Given that 95% of the Mormon justification concerns bennies one has to die in order to receive, lacking interest in such alleged rewards pretty much takes the wind out of their sails.

I once called Holland simply that, "Holland" and the TBMs in the room ripped me a new one because apparently it was incredibly disrespectful of me. I think a large portion of the people staying now are getting more and more sensitive...

So calling Eyring, Cryring is probably right out?

Cryring is right out. Once the name, being the name given, is reached, then sayest thou the Holy Name in the direction of thine foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall hear it.

And the lord did grin. Yea and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and orangutans and breakfast cereals.

+1

you are now my friend. lol

My brother and his family live in the Midwest. He and my sister-in-law were out here in Utah one December to bring my niece home from college. I met them in Salt Lake and we wandered around. It was cold so I bought a peppermint mocha at Starbucks. Then we went to Temple Square. They were not happy at all. (I thought they'd get Mormon brownie points for bringing an investigator to Temple Square.) They'd also asked to meet my new boyfriend (now husband). Afterward my brother freaked out over me being gay (even though he was the one who asked to meet my boyfriend). I finally told him to either grow the hell up or leave me alone. He grew the hell up.

I also like to "accidently" forget to include the initials in general authority names. I can tell it freaks Mormons out. If I'm feeling especially evil I'll shorten their first names and say Tom Monson or Jeff Holland.

Another fun thing to do in Utah is to mow the lawn on Sunday with my shirt off and a beer in my hand. The Mormons look at you like Satan has become a gardener.

One of my neighbors does this. Well, he mows on Sunday without his shirt, but not with the beer (he starts about 9:00 am). It was one of the ways I knew there were non-Mormons on my street in a very Mormon area.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/22/2016 01:24PM by UTtransplant.

When saying farewell to Mormons, say, "Well, health in the navel, and all that!"

When not feeling well, ask for a blessing: "Have you got any concentrated oil with you?"

When saying the blessing, include the request "that it may nourish our bodies and taste real good."

Also, "Bless the hands that have prepared this meal, the farmers who produced the food, the grocery stores that sold it, and the other hands who will clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes after we have eaten it."

My favorite is to yawn loudly and openly when they are bearing their testimony or relating a "spiritual experience" to you. Nothing takes the wind out of their sales like an expression of complete boredom.

When I was on my mission I referred to prophet at that time as "Gordon B. Stinky." My District Leader was profoundly righteously indignant with me over this. This is the same District Leader that gave some other missionaries a fruit basket, or basically mooning them while tucking his dick and balls out the back of his legs to give the appearance of a fruit basket.

Exmo Aspie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Bring coffee into their houses of worship and
> watch the look of rage and horror as you DON'T
> burst into flames on the spot.

One of the few times I've set foot in a mormon chapel in the past 30 years was 5 years ago, when I went to the funeral of an old friend.

I stopped on the way for Starbucks. Arrived, and parked. Stood outside my car drinking my quad venti latte (and parked in the front row, of course). I wasn't *trying* to piss them off or make a scene, I was just having my morning coffee...but get pissed off they did. I even got one comment about how I should take "that stuff" (it's coffee for crying out loud) "somewhere else."

Such insanity.

Naw, if you purposely try to piss Mormons off like that you'll start looking like that jaded ex-mo who is so unhappy because they left the church that they purposely try to put the church down any chance they get.

I go for the subtle negs like omitting the middle name of the apostles but keeping it in casual tone. Say Jeffry Holland or Thomas Monson and see how they are somewhat irritated but not going to call you out on it. I sometimes say Barack Hussein Obama just so I can get a rise out of people as well.

I also make scripture references with a facetious tone. For example, if something favorable unexpectedly happens I always say it's one of the tender mercies of the Lord. Or if I find money I say it's a blessing from paying tithing. If someone makes an off-colored comment I tell them not to quench the spirit. If someone is loud I tell them "quiet dignity". I can tell I get under my siblings' nerves ever so slightly when I do stuff like that.

Quote the bible, especially Paul, from a bible not the King James.

Quote Joseph Campbell, Gloria Steinem, Brigham Young, Kurt Vonnegut, etc.

Really want to do it:

ALWAYS Call the bishop by his first name

Excuse me, do you have a waste basket? I just scraped a general authority off the bottom of my shoe.

My Dad who usually is very opened minded and sweet,will visit us and does things like asking, JS to help him pick out a cantaloupe or other small mellon while raising it above his head.

I wrote a letter to the "brethren", I referred to them as dear sirs in the heading.

The stake president came unglued. Started to lecture me about being disrespectful. Keeping in mind I was a 57 year old adult. I told him he was out of his mind.

If you refer to the leadership as Mr. Monson, or even brother monson, you'll probably get a lecture. Never mind that those are perfectly appropriate titles.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/22/2016 04:45PM by madalice.

I made it clear that I was no longer a member when I resigned by referring to someone I'd never met by calling him "Mr" instead of "Bishop." I never knew his first name, because I didn't attend that ward at all, otherwise, that's what I would have used. This was in the letter and on the outside of the envelope I slipped under his office door when I reminded him that since I resigned, I was legally not a member, and that further contact would be considered harassment. My resignation was honored, and I've been left alone for over a decade even though there is a missionary apartment in the neighborhood.

Another thing that pisses off Mormons is calling the founder Joe Smith or commenting on the "trendy" names given to children in Mormon families.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/22/2016 05:03PM by adoylelb.

I ignore all things Mormon as much as possible (not really possible as I live in Utah).

But I do enjoy letting Mormons know not everyone thinks whatever comes from COB is sooooo important.

For instance, if a Mormon says something like "Thomas Monson said......", I respond with "Who?"

There has been some discussion about plans for conference this week, to which I say "Oh, is that this weekend?" or after the fact "Oh, was that last weekend? Totally missed it." How could someone living in Utah not be aware of conference? Makes their heads explode a little.

When they seem to really be enjoying themselves, laughing and joking around, remind them they swore before god, angels and witnesses to avoid all light-mindedness and loud laughter. You wouldn't be a true friend if you didn't help them avoid a good ol' throat-slitting now would you?

If your not afraid to really go over the top, put a sign across the street from the temple with a friendly greeting to the "new names" for the day, which are available on the internet. For example, "Best wishes to all of the new Moroni's and Sarah's".

One other goody might be

"Well as Joe jr. said -------!