I'm just truly wondering if a TBM will EVER learn of our decision to leave the Church without telling me how 'difficult and sad' this news is for THEM! I'm so incredibly sick of people expecting me to comfort them on something that they aren't even involved in.

And do these idiots have zero understanding of compassion?! If I told them I had a cancer (which is, of course, not to be compared to losing belief in a fake religion) would they ask me to comfort them? I mean, have a f***ing brain!!

I had previously rejected the idea that I would have to let go of toxic relationships. I was confident that my close family and friends would be better than this. I would never have reacted this way, even as a TBM.

Do I really have to just separate myself? I'm too tired and frustrated to coddle every grieving ego.

Think of them as the M&M guys. Mormons have a hard candy shell. In your case, the truth dissolved it.

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Or that, and definitely not that.

You're not an M&M guy anymore. You're vulnerable to melting, for example.

I don't care what the advertisements say. If you hold them long enough they still melt in your hands.

Which could be true for shadowofadoubt's friends and family.

shadowofadoubt
The reaction you get is a knee jerk reaction programmed into the TBM's. I myself look back and remember having the same reaction. This is something that they are incapable of using empathy with. But I think they lack empathy all together. Apostasy never seemed like a possibility. I imagine it is the same for your relatives and family.

Their feelings aren't your problem. They are going to have to sort through them. You don't have to make it your job to stroke their ego, and make their feelings better. It is part of the manipulation and guilt/shame tactics used to keep people in the cult.

The reason they are the ones that need comforting is because it is them that feels uneasy about still trying to believe which is now a little harder that someone they know has left the fold.

Yes, it was hard for you to learn the painful truth and to make the decision to step away from it and accept the social consequences of that action. It's the honest and brave thing to do. They can't see that. What they can see is that someone they love and respect has done something they can't do, at least not yet, and it causes them mental pain, cognitive dissonance, because deep down they see where you have arrived and compare that to where they are now.

Odd how something that is supposed to bring about so much light and joy has the opposite effect. Probably why I felt I never fit in; too happy and reasonable to be duped by so much b.s.

This is exactly the same reaction I used to get from my wife because I simply wouldn't join.

She knew before we married that chances were close to nil that I would join; and when those chances became less than nil after meeting the missionaries, she took it as a personal affront and rejection of her.

She now says that she knows that it's not personal, but it still hurts her that I don't believe.

When mormons cry and emote, I've found it works to chuckle at their foolishness. They're hoping for comforting words and worried caresses. No. they deserve derision.

"Ho, ho, ho, I'm sure you can buck up a little better than this. I'm happy with where I am and it's up to you to find your own joy as I have."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/26/2016 02:43PM by Cheryl.

said to me "that's so sad," when I told them I had resigned, I said, "Not for me it isn't." You should have seen their faces.

My son heard me and he said that most of the time I'm pretty passive, but he said for some reason when it comes to the lds church, I don't allow myself to be walked all over.

I even shocked myself that evening. It really threw me to have those missionaries show up at my door. My ex had talked to them twice before, but I had never had to.

One thing I refuse to put up with is them feeling sad for me. I'm not sad. I couldn't be more thrilled to be out of their damn church.

They think they're doing the Lord's work by being sad because it demonstrates their fervor and it might guilt the exmo to reexamine their decision.

In other words, their pity and crying is at one level very manipulative to force a change in us that God will want to reward.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/26/2016 04:22PM by Cheryl.

When people say "I'm sorry....[anything]....." To me any more I just say "apology accepted". For example:

Brother Idiot: Brother Cheezus, why don't you come to this activity.

Me: I'm not interested. I'm pretty much an apostate by your standards these days.

Brother Idiot: I'm sorry to hear that.

Me: [abruptly responding] Apology accepted. [then changes subject] Well... Rat season is almost here, plans for the big hunt?



Often times it does not flow in the conversation, but it makes for great confusing and sometimes comical conversations.

"Yes, but what about ME and what you're doing to MY feelings by making your own decisions????" should be a hymn they sing in church on Sundays, one hears it so often.

I had a conversation with a TBM relative not long ago. She was upset that I didn't want to participate in a church function with the family. It was "not fair to her" that I wasn't going. I said, "well, what about what's fair to me?" ***very long confused silence from her***. It never occurred to her what my feelings were. After a little sputtering and babbling after her silence, she went right back into "it's not fair to me" mode. NO CLUE. applesauce

The Mormon ability to make themselves a victim in every circumstance no matter what is so tiresome and aggravating. I feel for you.

However, I don't believe for a second even one of them is "truly sad" or finding it "difficult."

I believe "sad and difficult" is code for "You are deceived, lost and wrong." That is what they are really saying in their Mormonese.

I have received the response that my choosing to not attend nor support church family functions is choosing not to support family.
why can't you just be there? they ask.

My reply is that They are the ones not being fair because all they have to do is look around and see that there are lots of other ways and activities I attend that support family functions. At this point I do not list them, but if they argue their point further, I will list them, and that shuts them up.

Here's an interesting post from oncoming storm bc on 3/13/13 - This quote by Ken Daniels who left Evangelical Christianity illustrates the problem - it's not unique to Mormons - but it is the experience many have had with Mormons:
[quote]
I wish I could say from my experience that this fear is unfounded and that you will encounter only a minor bump in the road. This will not be the case if your relatives or friends take their faith seriously. They will analyze you to figure out what went wrong; they will chalk it up to the wiles of Satan; they will blame it on some negative experience you had with the church; they will tell you they are praying for you; they will say your situation is sad; they will blame you for being the one who moved from the original position; they will assert you were never truly saved to begin with; they will blame it on your misunderstanding of the True Christian Faith; they will seek you out not for who you are as a friend but for the opportunity to set you straight; they will question your integrity—in short, they will look for any explanation that exonerates their faith and places the blame on anything but the deficiencies of the Christian faith itself. You may be thankful you do not live prior to the Enlightenment when heresy was rewarded by torture or death, but you will have to live with the suspicion of those you love most. [end quote]

I've asked a couple folks to pray for me. It keeps them occupied. It will also demonstrate quite clearly how effective their prayers are.

(Prayer request script, v. 3.1: "Thanks for stopping by--now run along and pray for me, will you? Pray OFTEN. LONG prayers. Feel free to sacrifice a couple goats or what not--just don't waste the goat meat, 'kay? Truth be told, our dog could stand some actual meat for a change instead of the crap we feed him, so please drop off a few pounds. Just leave it in the mailbox; we'll take care of the rest. If fact, if sacrificing goats for some reason isn't part of your prayer routine, just drop by the supermarket, pick up a half-dozen rib-eye steaks, and bring 'em on over. Big ones, please, and well-marbled.")

I get so sick of this too! I have a "friend" who I became acquainted with a few years ago at church. She asked me to go to dinner with her a couple months ago to catch up. I thought it was going to be a relaxing girls night...WRONG! As soon as we sat down to eat she said "so when are you going back to church?" I told her "never." And after I explained some of my reasons she did the same thing- "I feel so sad about this." I asked why it made her sad when it doesn't affect her whatsoever and she just said "because it's sad..." Nice answer...they don't have good reasons for it, they're just trying to manipulate exmos into coming back to the "fold". No thanks! I am much happier where I am now!

Comebacks to "I feel sad[dened]"...

"You hide it well; You look fine to me."

"Really? Tell me about it. Do you cry? are you losing sleep? I know a great counselor you could talk to..."

"Aww. do you need a hug?"

Or... You can get the jump on them:

TBM: Why don't you come to Church any more?
Exmo: Because it makes me so sad to see you and people I love trapped in such a cruel cult. I'm just so saddened to see the dark countenance of all those people singing hymns to a man rather than to God. I think of the eternal punishment awaiting you and I want to save you from it so badly (you can cry at this point if possible) that I just have to run out to my car and weep for you.

(Adjust up or down as necessary, but you get the idea.)

Nevermo, but one(of many)things that struck me when I moved to Utah is that I noticed Mormons, in general, seem to be lacking in basic social graces.

I've had a couple of people tell me they were sad that I didn't believe anymore. I was ready with my response in both cases. I said that I understand that perspective because I used to feel sad when I heard that people left the Church when I believed in it. I continued by saying that now that I know what I know now, I'm sad for Mormons who are still in it. It's just a matter of perspective. All said with a pleasant and reasonable tone of voice. They shut right up and left with a thoughtful look on their faces.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2016 02:26AM by contrarymary.

An absolutely perfect response!

You know, thinking back over the past 35 years since I left, I can't remember one single instance where a TBM learned I had left the church, and asked anything resembling, "Are you OK?"

You're right, it was always about how sad/disappointed/let down THEY were.

Sigh.