Posted by:
relievedtolearn
(
)
Date: June 25, 2017 04:50PM
Dagny, I think you are asking some very good questions.
I believe the song quoted above has been that standard of my husband's life.
For me, not to even acknowledge that something is hard when it is makes it worse. Not being able to talk about it, offer sympathy, admit that it is hard.
One of the reasons I have been so enjoying this rfm board is that people here talk straight up about stuff. I am sure I've made disparaging comments--although I've tried very hard not to. He has too.
I think there are all kinds of things at play. Earning the living is something my DH considers the job of the husband/dad in the family, and he has always been extremely responsible about that. After his sister and her husband started coming down and taking every other month caring for their parents, (we acutally ended up doing the 24/7 care for over 3 years together; I was the one available initially, the one who did it alone the first 3 months or so. All of it was hard. I really thought for a while I would die before they did.)
To be fair, there is a learning curve in any new experience, and every one of us involved in caring for his parents had a lot to learn about us needing to care for ourselves, taking time for respite, finding a way to have some private life and some social life around the edges. To me, having what the parents wanted met as fully as possible at the cost of 4 other people having almost no personal life at all, for years, was not a healthy balance. I understand wanting to have them be as comfortable and secure as possible---but we sure paid a high price. I think we needed to find a little better balance, get more help so we had more time for ourselves. I was no doubt hardest hit, because I was new to the family; I had left behind my home, kids, and friends to be married, then was alone a lot because of the crisis with the parents occurring soon after.
My Dad was also slowly dying with dementia and a broken heart 3 states away, and during our "respite" months, my husband was driving me up to see him in the assisted living place--thankfully a good one--- where my Dad was living out his last days. My husband was able to make my Dad (and his Mom) laugh, when I couldn't.
So my question was really asking, is it a Mormon thing to do what is expected, or what needs to be done without ever "complaining" or talking about how hard it is? The song quoted above is exactly the attitude I have encourntered.
I see it as a typical response in a dysfunctional family system (maybe especially in a patriarchal system) for the FEELINGS of someone to be dismissed as invalid. And that hurts like heck.
DH dismisses his own feelings too, and acts like having a preference or to want something for himself is deep dark forbidden sin.
Maybe it actually is a reflection of a theological difference between us that he feels that way, and I don't.
I believe we are created with personality, desires, things we love doing, kinds of places we love being---and that God is pleased for us to get to have and do those things. At the same time, I do also believe we are quite able and there are times when we should sacrifice those desires for a greater good--including service, helping people, making community work, etc.
It's not an either/or. Not my way or the highway---just, a balance. Your needs are not all-important while mine are nothing----Both our needs are important, so is there a way to make it work so some of both our needs can be met, or take turns, or something.
And be real about what your needs are, be able to share that openly, then cooperate to see what we can make work together so everybody's needs are at least partly met.
We couldn't even talk about it, and still can't. That frustrates me.
And I didn't appreciate being told that the reason I thought it was hard was because of my religious beliefs. Sheesh. Is what you see me believing is that I'm entitled to have everything just the way I want or something is wrong?
If that's really how I think, then God help me.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2017 04:59PM by relievedtolearn.