Dear __________,

I can’t thank you enough for the love, support and prayers that have been offered to Mrs. Buffalo and I recently. Moreover, I thank you for being such great rocks of support for Mrs. Buffalo to lean on. We both need sturdy influences that want what is best for us.

As the patriarch of our family of two (three if you count puppy buffalo), I feel it is my most important duty to keep us together through hardship of any kind—spiritual or temporal.

I know that with my recent changes in faith, there is a lot of misunderstanding between Mrs. Buffalo and I, something we are actively seeking counsel about. I am aware of Mrs. Buffalo's conversations with you and the conversations between you and your respective parents and I fear that some of these misunderstandings may have been passed on and remain unresolved in your minds.

The purpose of this message is threefold: First, please know that I am an open book. I wish to conceal nothing from anyone. If you have concerns about me, my beliefs, my values, or my unchanging love for your daughter, I would cordially ask that you come directly to me (and encourage your parents, if they are interested, to do the same) so as to minimize misunderstanding and maximize respect between us all.

Second, I would politely like to ask that I be involved in any type of counsel you wish to give Mrs. Buffalo. Please remember that we are family, flesh and blood, and it is important to me that nothing is said to either of us behind closed doors so that we can always be on the same page. We have been counseled by our therapist to keep things between the two of us. I am not saying we do not need family counsel, rather, we both need it, together, so we can work things out the right way.

Thirdly, you must understand that nothing about my love for Mrs. Buffalo has changed. It is my number one priority to make this marriage work.

I apologize for any heartache this has caused you from the bottom of my heart. I pray with all the fervor of my soul that you continue to love and support this marriage as you always have done.

Love,
Mighty Buffalo



Thoughts?

That is incredibly charitable.

I can't think of a more diplomatic way of saying, "Stop going behind my back to bad-mouth me!"

:)

Lovely words, but Mormons don't care about your lovely words.

They'll ignore everything you said and continue to 'counsel' your wife behind your back and without your input.

I personally wouldn't send it.

+1

What is your objective? You'll get plenty of 'awww...your wife is so lucky to have you!' here.

If that's why you posted this, then you'll get the accolades you sought.

It's stupid to waste your time caring what others think. If you unconsciously believe this will help your marital cause, you have so little control over these circumstances.

Why not focus on giving to others via your medical training?

As summer said, 'do not stir the pot'.

You are an idiot to volunteer yourself as an 'open book' to people! Seriously! Have some self respect.

A little harsh carmeldreams but I get where you're coming from. Though, the point in this letter is getting my in laws to stay out of our marriage. Between them and some of my DW's friends, a lot of whispers in her ear tell her to leave me. My point is to shut that down, and do it maturely.

My post was to see if the point comes across.

I would say it does not come across.

I agree, it doesn't come across. And, would probably not be interpreted the way you hope.

You seem to be missing the point that it is not up to you to tell people what they are allowed to say to your wife. It is totally up to your wife. Until you can convince her to tell her friends and family that they need to stop whispering in her ear, they will continue to do so.

Also, I agree that having this in writing is very dangerous for your BYU issues. At the very least, wait until you have your diploma in hand.

STFU!!!

Mighty Buffalo: Because one anonymous call to Honor Code office could possibly derail your graduation, don’t precipitate any vindictive actions from anyone until you have transcriptions and diploma in hand........and to the rest of you that think this is the hill for him to fight his battle on...you’re all wrong.

I like it, your wife is lucky to have you. The inlaws should be proud to know there daughter has a good husband and loves her. I would send it, can it hurt??

Unless you are willing to come right out and tell them to back off and eff off you are wasting your time.

By trying to explain yourself you are simply opening more doors for them to barge in and try to "fix you".

Adults do not have to explain their choice of religion to family and friends.
You can put a stop to the endless discussions by refusing to engage any further.

Just make your decisions and live your lives.
If certain people don't like it they can lump it.

If they continue trying to meddle in your marriage, what is wrong with telling them to buzz off?

Take a hike. Mind their own business, etc.

Change the locks on your house if you must. Neighborhood. Phone numbers, what-have-you.

Depending on the severity of their meddling into your family life,
I wouldn't give them any more latitude than they deserve.

Remember, their daughter is their first priority over your marriage to her. They now see you through the prism of the adversary, not the man she married.

So proceed cautiously and with circumspection.

Amen. Raise & support a kid for 18 years and then tell us how you feel about a husband of 2 years lecturing you about how you should talk to your daughter. She is her own person... she can talk to her parents on her own.
$0.02

Buff, this is exactly the right way to handle things at this point in time. If your in-laws cannot handle the situation with the maturity that you have demonstrated, then you will have no choice but to take a less cordial approach.

That's what I was thinking. You wrote up a very nice letter and if they can't treat you with respect after that, then screw them!

Based on my experience dealing with in-laws after leaving and advice I was given here and with therapists, I have these few thoughts to offer.

There is the possibility that they will not respect your wishes. That they will completely ignore everything in your letter and continue on as they please. Then what?

Also, most of the time it is best to let your DW completely deal with her side of the family. This can be very difficult but the truth is you can't control other people. You can always try to request all of those things but they are going to do what they want. And your DW's conversations with her parents is her business unless she decides to include you.

Also your letter makes your weaknesses known. I'm not sure what kind of people your in-laws are but they might take advantage of knowing how much it bothers you to not be including you in the conversations or how that might possibly divide you and DW.

Personally I wouldn't send it but you have to do what feels right for yourself. Wishing you all the best.

Reminds me of a favorite quote by Ronald Reagan, "It's nice to be liked. It's better to be respected."

Mightbuffalo, don't grovel for your in-laws.

Command respect, and expect nothing less. You don't owe them an explanation or apologetics.

You and your wife are the head of your household. You can show them love and respect without asking them for their approval.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Reminds me of a favorite quote by Ronald Reagan,
> "It's nice to be liked. It's better to be
> respected."
>
> Mightbuffalo, don't grovel for your in-laws.
>
> Command respect, and expect nothing less. You
> don't owe them an explanation or apologetics.
>
> You and your wife are the head of your household.
> You can show them love and respect without asking
> them for their approval.


I agree.
Don’t grovel.

A very honest and sincere letter but be careful, what the parents say and what they do may be two different things. At the end of the day it's all about the Mormon way of life and you are in the way. Honestly, I hope it all works out.

I really would not stir the pot until your degree posts (at some point after graduation.)

Exactly, you are admitting in writing that your beliefs have changed. That is grounds to kick you out of BYU. Do not send this letter.

It seems like this story is heading in that direction. The climax of the tale would be getting kicked out of BYU just before graduation and being deprived of a promising career as a doctor.

I've smelled this coming for some time. So, stay tuned . . . .

"Posted by: paisley70

Buff, this is exactly the right way to handle things at this point in time. If your in-laws cannot handle the situation with the maturity that you have demonstrated, then you will have no choice but to take a less cordial approach.
----

P: Ditto. (And Best Wishes.)

What does Mrs. Buffalo think of the letter? That is what counts.

I would not send it. If I received such a letter I would take it as an accusation that I am attempting to undermine you. I would be offended because all I am doing is trying to save my daughter and here you go saying I'm meddling!


Most likely scenario I would say is . . .Your wife's parents are out to ensure their daughter's eternal salvation and get her to the top tier of the CK--with or without you. That is priority Number One. They are not likely to give a rat's ass about your generously worded call for mutual respect even if they like you. They see you as deceived and dragging her down and they aren't going to let that happen to their little girl if they can help it.

It's all on your wife. She holds all the cards. The parents will meddle behind your back. You can't stop it. The meddling could backfire on them if your wife really loves you. She has the power. Will she keep you in the number one position? Will she stay with everyone telling her to cut and run?

The fact that the thought even occurs that there is a need for this type of letter is very telling and perhaps more important than the letter itself. Are your Mormon in-laws are the exception to the rule? If they are, the letter is unnecessary If they aren't then the letter is unnecessary.

Perhaps two "n's" in unnecessary are unnecessary?

In other words, Ditto to what summer said.

You are a very good and caring husband.Yes, you don’t want anybody trying to influence or brainwash your wife , without you there to hear what’s going on and to support her.
She’ll probably feel intimidated without you next to her anyway, who knows what they’ll ask her or of her

Buff, I’d be fuckin’ proud to call you my son-in-law! Here’s hoping the relatives gets the message!

Thanks for the tips guys. I did make it as blunt and polite as I could.

I actually presented this to my wife first and foremost and she read the entire thing and 100% endorsed it, just FYI. She's on the same page as me when it comes to cutting other opinions about the matter.

Will keep yall updated.

buffalo

A thought on this.

I think your letter was great for your wife to read. It lets her know you are fighting for the marriage and love her. I think for that reason alone, it was worth writing.

I just don't think your in-laws will take it as well as you are hoping, and it probably will cause even more issues. Grovelling to them isn't going to help anyone.

But letting your wife know you really care about her and the marriage, and you'd rather her parents (and your parents) not interfere in the marriage - priceless.

There is an old adage: write all the letters you want, but don't mail them. However....in this case, I'd send it.

There is something about putting your thought and concerns in black and white in a kind, and loving manner that can open lines of communication. Hopefully, these are the kind of people that would respond well to your generous outpouring of family solidarity.

Patriarch of your family? Wow, say to be aware of your wife's autonomy

I understand where you are coming from and that you want to ease things and try to avoid conflict. However this is just a bit too much "sucking up". It admits just a bit too much that as an adult, you don't owe them.

I think it's fine to be open and honest with them but this seems to be laying it on a bit too think.

You have a few weeks till graduation. Do.NOT.SEND.THIS.LETTER until you have your transcript and diploma. There is too much at stake and I KNOW how BYU operates.

NEVER put anything down in writing without having a lawyer look it over first.

This letter may come back to bite you in the ass.

Buff

Nice thoughts but in this situation they are going to be ignored. Moreover if the in laws are vindictive this letter if mailed will end up in some BYU office and problems will emerge. DO NOT SEND until graduation and you are moved off campus, transcripts-not diploma- in hand. Then frankly I think these are words if you feel the need to state in person face to face. This just keeps getting deeper Buff and I don’t think you have any idea where this is going......nor what you are getting into stress wise in August..

Gatorman
Been there

Buff

Ran this by my wife who detests the church. Her response was that unless your wife sends the letter you are wasting your time and actually putting up more walls between you and your bride...seems reasonable thinking

Gatorman

In the past I've given you some wonderful advice here which will greatly bless the Kingdom as it marches forward. I suggested that you quit school and forget about becoming a physician so you can focus all your time/energy on important chapel cleaning assignments. The Lord needs to save money on janitors.

You writing a letter is an awesome idea. However you should write tons more. That way her family and everyone will have plenty more material to put you in your place. When we rank people by priority its the Kingdom/Brethren first, then the members, then the nevermos, and finally the pesky apostates. You are clearly at the very bottom rung of mankind because you have done the unthinkable, you no longer believe that Joseph Smith was the most amazing and true prophet who restored the most truthful/honest Church on the earth. This means that the only purpose in us reading anything you write is to find something to use against you.

But of course we'd only ever use something against you in a loving way. And how we love you most is by coercing you into being completely and unquestionably obedient to the Brethren and the holy middlemen they assign to represent them at the local level. So don't forget that we love you .... ummm remind you to obey. Sometimes we forget that last part "remind you to obey" when we say "we love you" but that's always what we mean :)

supposed to be humor. It really says it like it is about how your in-laws are thinking.

BEST reply in the thread! As usual!

Truly, Honest TBM is a prophet.

Having read all of the responses, I still heavily fall into the side that says do not send it. You are making yourself appear weak and vulnerable, not loving and caring.

They see you as under the influence of Satan. Although a follower of Satan who can write a nice and polite, and loving sounding email.

However, as others have pointed out, it makes you look weak, and gives them ammunition. It wont stop them from talking to your wife behind your back because you are an apostate, and you are admitting that in writing to them.

This 'drawing of the line' needs to come from your wife, not you. And they will ignore her request until she holds them to account and forces them to leave her and her marriage out of their meddling ways. She may, or may not, be able to do that of course.

Does everyone believe everything mightbuffalo is saying?

If his future depends so much that BYU doesn't find out about his thoughts about LDS, he goes on about his battles with the in-laws and parents and wife.

Many have expressed a warning to lay low until he can secure his transcripts to make into med school.

It won't take anyone one of his family of having an idle conversation with their bishop to have the entire apple cart turned up side down.

This is just my humble opinion.

I thank you for the concerns about my graduation but I am no longer concerned about it so please don't fret about it. I did enough researching into the new policies and even if someone thought I was anti-mormon it would be extremely difficult to take away my degree at this point, especially considering i am living the honor code in all other aspects.

Everyone has beaten a dead horse with those comments. Thanks though for your concern.

Well, that sounds a bit like misdirected anger.

You asked for our opinion and we gave it.
What you do with it is up to you.
Good luck.

You might "research" the definition of hubris.

Jeez.

Oh, really? So, good luck then. I hope some ideologue in Standards doesn’t take up the challenge. Actually, I’ve already graduated, so good luck to you.

This letter sounds like a firm, “these are my boundaries “ letter. I don’t see it as groveling to be polite and respectfully address your inlaws, whether or not they deserve it. This letter states your position clearly and what you expect from them. If they are offended, use this against you in any way or just don’t respect your request to stop meddling, you have the option of not being so polite but still standing firm on your ground. Continue to talk with your wife about this, both of you should read the book, “Boundaries “ by Dr. Henry Cloud. It made me realize it’s okay to say no. Great letter. Good luck

I'm with Summer and Darren Steers, and the others who are trying to admonish you to STOP.

I am a BYU graduate. A lot of these posters have been to BYU. When someone, like Gatorman, says "I've been there," please believe that many of us really have been there!

I had a battle with my own TBM in-laws. They blamed me for my husband's leaving Mormonism. He left the church first, when he found out the Truth. I was still an active member, along with our children, and was the ward organist and Cub Scout den mother. Still, my mother-in-law pestered me with phone-calls, telling me "It is up to the wife to provoke the husband to righteousness." Two years later, when I finally realized Mormonism is a cult, I resigned, along with our children. My mother-in-law set out to destroy our marriage. I know this, from warnings from several relatives. My MIL was a control-freak. She succeeded! My FIL died, and my MIL disinherited my ex-husband and all our children. We were not sealed in the temple, like her other children and grandchildren. My ex-husband never returned to the church. He lives in a shack, with his woman-of-the-hour, and 6 dogs, and has separated from his entire family.

I also have several friends who have left the cult, and have had their marriages break up, due to pressure from the in-laws.

It's a sad commentary about the Mormons, that your story, Mightybuffalo, is not unique. The newer the marriage, the greater the likelihood of it breaking up over Mormon-ex-Mormon religious differences. When you have no children, the breakup is even more likely.

Honest TBM is right. Any more input from you, any new information about you, will be used AGAINST you!

Your letter is well-written, and polite-but-firm, and I find no fault in it. It might have been beneficial for your wife to have read it.

But, please do not send it. You are exposing weakness. The Mormons will think they are "winning", and will step up their game. Again, it will be used against you.

Please, as a former BYU student and a BYU graduate, I'm begging you to hold off until after you have that diploma in your hand.

The best thing about your letter is that your wife agrees with what you said. I think that's an excellent sign and the best reason of all for writing it.

Since Mormon parents see themselves as matriarchs and patriarchs of an eternal dynasty I doubt the letter will change much about their behavior. Even ordinary parents feel it's their right to butt in. If your parents and in-laws get the message and back off then you are, indeed, a most fortunate man.

If you are sending the letter to get all that off your chest then there's nothing to stop you. Just don't expect miracles. The only person's behavior I've ever been able to change is my own.

Yeah I hear you guys. Definitely not expecting miracles. Only expecting boundaries.

I will have DW send it, from the both of us, as opposed to just me sending it.

If they choose to respond maturely, awesome-- we'll have some good boundaries and hopefully an open feeling about all of this (believe it or not, I really do love and respect my in-laws).

If they choose to respond negatively, my wife agrees that we need to cut contact. She is eager to figure this out between the two of us.

Really looking forward to allowing some time to go to work on us.

It seems that the only commonality for those that have made it work when one spouse stays TBM is to allow good time for healing.

Can't thank y'all enough for your thoughts. All very insightful

Instead of a letter, why not something simpler.

When your in laws start trying to butt into your marriage, your wife can say, “Please let me deal with my marriage.” If they continue, she can repeat "Please let me deal with my own marriage.” If they still don't let up, she can tell them that she has asked them to stop. They aren't listening. Then she can end the conversation by either getting up and leaving or telling them that she needs to get off the phone.

If she continues to do this, they will get the message, and she will be the one delivering the message.

For difficult situations, I find it best to have a script and a plan. It really does work.

Thoughts-

Don't send (as is). Modify (edit). If so, as you mentioned, it's from you both, equally. Shorten (sweeten) it!

You give them ammo. Shoot, they will, or might. Might make them want to 'fight'. You know-right.

Keep moving forward, even when others seem to be standing still.

So your wife told you she agrees with the letter. It somehow never occurred to her before that she shouldn't be taking advice against you without your involvement?

That is called cheating.

How about you get some girls on the side. Then your wife can write them a letter to "please respect our marriage and include me when you have sex with my husband."