I realized this morning that my pioneer DW not only drank the kool-aid, but she also has a year's supply. There seems to be no way that she will even consider the possibility that the LDS church is dangerous, or even that its roots are fraudulent.
I have been going along to get along for years. I wanted to wait for the kids to grow up before drawing my line in the sand. Although they are adults now, several are still at home for various reasons. They should move out on their own, but I think DW likes to have them stay. (1) It gives her purpose. (2) I think she feels that when they are gone that I will be gone. (3) She never misses a chance to invite them to church.
Honestly, she is a good person. I would like to spend more time with her with less time baby sitting adults and no time talking about mormon stuff. I do not want to leave, but it will inevitably hit the fan when I finally refuse to stop pretending. She knows how I feel, but seems happy enough to pretend not to notice.
She thinks that maybe I was just having a bad day when I told her that I did not believe the church was true years ago. I see that I have sent mixed messages and given false hope by continuing to attend sacrament meeting with her to make her happy. I never attend PH or SS meetings. I still have a recommend (lied), but I never go. Just keeping up appearances. Don't want to make waves. Just want her to be happy.
But she's not happy. Not really. Even the dream that I will "come to my senses" is fading for her. In her heart, she knows that I took the red pill and their is no going back for me.
So why am I trying to make anyone happy?
One of my sons has a problem. He tries to please whoever he is with. He tries to make others happy by going along. He does not know what he really wants out of life and his so called friends constantly take advantage of him. I have told him to just figure out what he wants and put himself first for once. I am not a good example, I guess.
There is a subtext to all things mormon.
You must live to make someone else happy. Please your spouse. Sustain your leaders. Do the best you can in your calling. Please Jesus and HF. Serve everyone. Family first. Church first. Jesus first. Ancestors first.
The subtext is sacrifice yourself on the alter of happiness of others.
I have finally realized that the subtext is a lie. When you sacrifice your own happiness to satisfy others, no one is happy. Not me, not my kids, not my wife.
The one thing I really hate about my family is that they are pleasers. If you ask anyone what they want to do, the answer is invariably, "Whatever you want is fine with us." There is no personality, no spark. "What do you want to eat?" "Oh whatever you like." "What do you want to watch on the television?" "Oh whatever you want is fine by me."
Grrrrrrr! This is why even the so-called Jesus is credited with saying he would spit the Luke warm out. Can you get anymore Luke warm than a Mormon? Give me hot, give me cold. Make me crazy but don't please me.
Shake it up with your wife. This safe crap has got to go. Quit pretending. Turn the gas to high. Build the life you want and invite your wife in to check it out.
What you are talking about was one of the traits I had to work hardest on when a few years after leaving Mormonism I finally realized my life still wasn't working because I had no personality of my own. Real people didn't want to be around me. I was Luke warm.
Great analysis! It works in all aspects of life, especially marriage. If your spouse does not have their own happiness, nothing you will do can make them happy.
+1000 Some people are very dependant on others. My spouse is the same way. I believe these people need a lot of structure in order to stay productive and happy. It wasn't very obvious when we were dating or married without kids. There are some people like this where I work... very low productivity, about 20% of the average worker.
I'm still a pleaser, though. Just reading what Done & Done wrote made me chuckle. I do that with my boyfriend, but if I say what restaurant I want to go to, somehow we'll end up at the one he wants to go to, so what's the point? I pick my battles with him. Restaurants, movies, etc., are not important enough to me. If I lived with him. that is how it would be. He didn't even want me to hang a picture of my kids on the wall in the room he gave me as my office. Couldn't put a nice comforter on the bed in there. The one he had was ugly. Mine was NEW and nice.
So I choose not to live with him and I pick my battles.
But I did go along to get along all my life with my sister knowing that there would come a day when the shit would hit the fan AND IT DID. it has been 12 or 13 years since it happened. We've made peace barely a few times for family events (like funerals), but then we had HUGE blowouts and now our relationship is over for good. She spend our disabled brother's inheritance and we had to have a lawyer get it back or she would go to jail. Of course, she thinks we are the bad guys. Oh well. And I lost my relationships with my niece and 2 nephews who I was always really close to as even if they find their mother unbearable, she is their mother and I don't expect them to take my side.
Like I think Done & Done said, it is time to let her know the truth. Time to quit going along to get along. All relationships don't need to end just because you are authentic. Every time my boyfriend tells me he wants me to live with him, I give him a list of reasons why it won't work (my therapist told me to do this) and so we don't live together.
I had some of the same issues with my mother. It didn't matter what I did, I couldn't make her happy. My therapist old me to choose what I COULD DO for her and not anything else. If she had a temper tantrum, ignore her. That is the most important part, IGNORE HER. It worked. Our relationship improved A LOT.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2018 11:13AM by cl2.
I think it's okay (to a certain extent) please others as long as there is a mutuality to it. What compromises has your wife made in order to please you? It can't all be on you.
An adult realizes that you are not going to get everything that you want. But you should get at least *some* of what you want.
Even the Mormon church has mostly given up on pleasing its members. Based on member reports, there used to be road shows, gold and green balls, parties, and other social and community-building events. The Relief Society used to have more autonomy in terms of meetings, activities, fund-raising, and budgeting. The church won't even use tithing money to keep the buildings clean and presentable. The only way the church has attempted to please its members in recent years has been in the changes to the endowment ceremony. Otherwise, nothing.
summer Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > The only way the church has attempted > to please its members in recent years has been in > the changes to the endowment ceremony. Otherwise, > nothing.
Well, they did allow parents into their interviews of children.
Summer, I appreciate you thoughts. I can see that my wife has made many sacrifices and compromises over the years. In fact, she is a very giving, generous and kind person.
This is all the more reason why it is a shame that the church doctrine has put her in a state of mind that will not allow her to be happy. In her way of thinking, the only way she can be at peace is if me and the children have testimonies and are active church members. Anything less than that makes her a complete failure in her own mind.
I guess my point is that I was falling prey to the same error in my thinking with respect to her. I was stakeing my self worth on her happiness, which is risky at best.
I think we should be good to each other. We should work together, support each other, and show genuine love. But, although we may mourn when we have a loss, the happiness of other people should not define us.
elderolddog Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I'm not saying it's always doable but picking one > person to please, because making that person happy > makes you happy, is my preferred way.
Which is why saucie is such a lucky gal, and why I get blown off for a golf match (clearly I'm not the one you're trying to make happy!).