I was his convert. I fell in love and so did he. However, I just couldn’t be the TBM he wanted me to be and resigned and returned to the Catholic faith. I was five years older. However, we still fell in love. He was 20. I was 25. When he returned from his mission we talked but I could tell things had changed. He told me he loved me one night and then the next day there were pictures on FB... he had been sealed in the Temple and she was gorgeous. I was crushed. His claim... he had prayed about it and prayed about it a lot but he received the revelation HE wasn’t the one for ME. This mind you was after I told him I was resigning. He of course tried to convince me the church was true but my heart and beliefs were just too Catholic. I really believe in the Catholic faith even if that’s insane to some of you. I eventually married a fellow Catholic but unbeknownst to me a narcissist who abused the heck out of me. I am in the process of being civilly divorced and annulling the marriage with the church. One night when my husband threw me so hard I was airborne and hit my face on the floor, I thought “he” never would have done this to me. It was also two weeks after our son was born and I had just had a c-section. I’m under 5 feet and not even 100 lbs. I still wonder what could have happened if I had stayed and become a TBM. Or... heck even if we could have just stayed our respective faiths and been married “civilly”. The LDS church teaches HF “works out” all things in the eternities anyway. At least that’s what all my LDS friends always said. That even if we had been sealed by proxy all things would work out. I guess my resignation maybe is a huge factor in me not even being worthy of certain blessings in their eyes anyway but quite frankly, my run in with the church leaders were always with love and respect. They respected my decesion to stand by what I truly believed to be true and not live a lie. I didn’t just leave because I didn’t feel like “obeying the gospel” I left because my truth lied elsewhere and they always were so kind toward me in that regard... though honestly, they were putting my name on the Temple rolls and praying for my return. It’s been 6 years aince I’ve seen his face or heard his voice and I still wonder what if.... I just couldn’t live a lie.

Sadly, there are Catholic assholes too, but at least you aren't living under an oppressive patriarchy. Had you married TBM, you'd probably have a bundle of kids by now with virtually no help raising them.

Ex-BF & wife will always look happy on Facebook, then one day they may well suddenly be divorced. So much for that fairy tale.

Mormonism is a proven fraud.

Your ex BF may have been the better man, period, but religion itself had nothing to do with it.

Plenty of Mormon girls marry in the temple and still wind up in lousy marriages.

Wishing you well, CatholicRebel.

Take care of yourself and your son. Get the help you need. Don't be afraid to reach out.

What you are dealing with has nothing to do with Mormonism. It's has to do with life, and life comes to all of us, Mormon, Catholic, Buddhist, atheist, whatever.

I do agree about the fraud part. I also agree this kind of pain can fall on anyone regardless of beliefs. I am in therapy because being married to a narcissist who was also an addict did a number on me and gave me PTSD. However, I feel the church had a major impact on my ex decision to choose someone else and that caused me a great deal of pain and guilt that I was not good enough.

They also had a huge impact in him getting engaged after only 4 months of dating her,come to find out. Is this the magic number in the church or what? I have seen the four months and engaged thing happen a lot. I feel this kind of control is toxic. So, many people are getting sealed out of fear of not being exalted and not because of love. Not only that, members judge other members who marry non-members. To me it’s about control but why? Why does the church want to have THAT much control? Is it they really believe in what they are teaching or is there another underlying reason to it all? Someone told me a friend of their’s literally didn’t marry his girlfriend because they were sexually tempted by each other and that was their “sign” that they were not meant for each other. Like are you kidding me? It’s completely normal to desire your fiancée, we aren’t made of stone. This guy never married after that, to think he walked away from someone he really loved because the church told them the natural desire in their bodies was proof they were toxic for each other. That was OUR problem... he desired me and I desired him. I fight guilt every day that my desire for him... was just the proof the church needed to prove my toxicity and I should have had more self-control. He sent me pictures... I sent some back. I confessed this in the confessional and my priest literally told me our feelings were normal and to not beat myself up so much over what happened. I just get heartbroken over the whole thing. He however apparently didn’t confess anything to his Bishop or he never would have ended up sealed as quickly as he did. Rant over.

I'm sure you were plenty "good enough". Don't beat yourself up.

But he was deluded by Mormonism and ,unfortunately, there is no peaceful co-existence with Mormonism for most people of another faith because Mormonism is intrusive and disrespectful.

It's understandable that you would think of the one who got away,considering the painful marriage you did have.

But there would have been other problems had you married the Mormon.
Realistically, life rarely goes smoothly.

Hi, Catholicrebel. I was born and raised in the Catholic church. I mentally left as a young teen.

Ahh, the one that got away. I know it well. I'm not even sure that if you had stayed Mormon, you would have kept him. Some missionaries do end up marrying one of their converts, or another Mormon from the mission, but most go home and marry someone close at hand. Or they go to college and marry someone there. The fact that you were a convert alone might have been problematic to his generational Mormon family. As you discovered, not all converts "stick" and there is also a pecking order within Mormonism that puts converts at the bottom of the heap.

Missionaries who are completing their missions are often urged in their last interview with the mission president to marry quickly (within six months) upon their return. It is not unusual for a RM to do just that.

I'm glad that you are getting away from your abusive husband. That's a mentally healthy thing to do. I hope that at some point in the future you find a kind partner. There are a lot of great guys around. Don't lose hope.

Stick around, if you wish. We are here for you.

From what you've written, the returned missionary had proposed to that woman long before he told you that he loved you, and long before you told him that you were out of the whacky church.

When someone says HE isn't right for YOU, believe him and run.

I, too, hope you stick around here. Your comment on another thread (you "read the BoM three times ...") made me think you are a lot of fun.

Good luck, Catholicrebel!

FWIW, I was a good Mormon girl, and rejected the athiest who drank, and married the "perfect" RM in the temple. Oh yeah--I know what it's like being a battered wife. He was a linebacker for BYU, with a black belt in karate, and he almost killed me. He would often quote Section 132 of the D & C, while he was throwing me across the room. He would scream obscenities at me. It took a lot of research (in the psychology section at the BYU library) to understand that the beatings had nothing to do with me at all. Nothing I could do would stop him. Usually, nothing I did ever triggered him. He would walk in the door angry, and take it out on me. My life for those months was unbelieveable horror and pain, and visits to the ER. I was away from home, and no one knew. I had to plan my escape, to save my life, and I was also afraid for my family. Even so, the Mormons blamed ME for his pathology, and for the divorce. The creep had beaten his sister so badly, that social services had removed her from their home. Creepy ex-husband was needed at home to do the chores, so he stayed.

To say that your ex was"narcissistic" is being kind. He is a full-blown psychopath, and DANGEROUS. Please get a restraining order against him, and protect your child, too!

Please get help for your PTSD. I had PTSD for many years, and it made me think negatively towards men and dating. I couldn't be alone with a man in a car, or in a room. I would wake up screaming at the top of my voice, with the recurring nightmare of him beating me and strangling me. Cognitive behavioral therapy works the best, and you do have to work at it, but it will be a life saver! I'm over all of my fears, now that I understand how they developed. I am sort of distant and distrustful with others--which is fine, in my line of work.

I got married again, to an old boyfriend, another TBM from BYU. He was the one I had fantasized about, when I was alone, and in pain, and when I thought I was going to die. Our reunion was dramatic and tearful, and we had children right away. A happy ending? Yes, because I never would have had children with the wife-beater.

The realistic ending was, that my old boyfriend I thought I had known so well, and whom I had loved so dearly, suddenly abandoned me and our children--completely--emotionally and financially. Turns out, that he had cheated on me since our honeymoon. I was stupid, with low self-esteem, and made the perfect victim. I have not seen or spoken to him for 20 years, and my children have seen him only a few times, making all the effort. He has never seen his grandchildren.

Personally, I would steer clear of Mormons. They are trained to be phony.

I don't think Catholicism is "insane." Catholics are Christians. Mormons are NOT Christians. My children and I are no longer in the cult, and we are Christians, now.

When you do daydream about what might have been...well, it's normal! Remember, that there are other choices out there, and not just those two! You are still young. You have yet to meet many wonderful people in the future. Once my second Mormon divorce was over, I found loves that were greater than I ever imagined. Real love! Unselfish, unconditional love. You have your child, and he will be the greatest love of your life! In that, you are lucky in love!

I would gently suggest you start evaluating potential male partners by the content of their character rather than by the religion they profess.

Best to you.

Some great thoughts and sharing here, thanks especially exminion and Hietokolob.

I wasn't in the church long but I often felt that the Mormon men were especially angry toward women, just a level of hostility I had not encountered previously.

Take care and I will hope everyone here who was hurt, can recover and live a joyful life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2019 02:35PM by mel.

About that "what-if" fantasizing....

My therapist would tell you, "Don't go down that rabbit hole."

One of my best friends is obsessed with old Mormon ex-fiancés. One was her high school boyfriend, who dumped her in college to date JFK's cousin, and begin his pursuit of chasing money. The other cancelled their temple wedding 4 days before the date, telling her that she wasn't religious enough, and that God had told him not to marry her. I knew them both, and they were handsome and wealthy, but they were blatant assholes, that I did not like at all. In the old days, we called men like that "male chauvinist pigs." They definitely did not respect women. My friend idealized these two jerks, because her one and only marriage was not a happy one. When she got divorced, she openly pursued both these ex's, even though both of them were married. She did not understand that probably if they broke up with her once, the same reasons for the breakup would still apply.

Go ahead and daydream, as this is normal, and can sometimes get you through a rough patch, if kept in perspective.

Sometimes, people need closure--a term you hear in the movies--but I believe in this. When I was 40, and divorced and happily single, an old boyfriend wanted to see me. I avoided seeing him, because he had broken my heart and married someone else, when he was 16, and I was only 18. I had known him and loved him all my life. Finally, he cornered me, and said he HAD to tell me something. He said he had loved me forever, too, and that he decided that he was going to get engaged to me when I turned 18. He was in the military, and away from home, and when he returned, I was away at BYU, and, in the meantime, he met someone else, got engaged, and married her. She has lived the life of my dreams! He needed to tell me this. He said he had no idea WHY he married the other girl. I knew that his marriage had always been unhappy for him. He needed to apologize for me, for abandoning me, and never telling me how he felt. I needed to know that my love had been returned! Closure for both of us.

Maybe you need to see this man again, for your own peace of mind.

My other "What if" was someone I had broken up with, because he did not want children, and wanted to live together with me, until he was finished with his PhD. Living with a man in those days would have killed both sets of parents, and would have taken away my dreams of marriage and children. When I got divorced, I had to find out what had happened to my PhD Love. I used the internet, as his family were all deceased. He did find a woman to live with him, and they never married or had children, but they stayed together. Our mutual friend says he is cold and distant, and is a real "company man" who cares only for his career. He never went to any class reunions, and never responded to our old friends. He and his SO bounced from city to city, for his career. He retired, and they now live in a Winnebago, and travel all over the US. For me, my greatest joy is my children and grandchildren, and my home. I have traveled many places, by air, staying in hotels, but I prefer to stay at home, now. That was "closure for me", knowing that I would not be happy living the life of his SO.

I have a feeling that if you met him for lunch, or whatever you would find him to be less than ideal, and a real mis-match for you. You would know that you dodged a huge bullet, by not marrying him!

We would love to have you return and report!

Sorry, old childhood sweetheart was 26, (not 16) when he got married.

Just to clear a few things up... I am aware it wasn’t the fact he was Mormon that made him so great. It was the things we shared together even while being on his mission that made me fall in love.
The love letters for one. I’m sure the MP would have loved to see those.