Posted by:
ptbarnum
(
)
Date: November 18, 2019 01:16PM
You know it when it happens. Or at least, you know something is happening, just not exactly what. It has a different feel than a healthy relationship, but you have to have had at least one healthy relationship to know what healthy is supposed to feel like, so if you get gaslighted while young, it takes a lot if work to discern the feel of gaslighting, but once you do, you can spot it when it shows up again.
There's a difference between two regular people having an argument. Saying things like, "It's not me, it's you, dangit!" when we're angry is common. It's very normal to project a bit on the other person and we all want to win the quarrel for various reasons. Thing is, when normal people cool down they will usually see your point of view, apologize for the hotheaded comments,
and move towards compromise. A narcissist, a gaslighter, will only ever double down and double down again. They will go to the utmost extreme to win. No retreat, no quarter given. You will never be acknowledged as an equal and will never hear a sincere apology, nor will there be any acts of amends ever made by a gaslighter/narcissist. The best you can hope for once they cool down after a fight is that they will pretend the whole thing didn't happen.
Narcissistic gaslighting is usually very subtle and pervasive. It's not just ONE disagreement where you have to take all the responsibility and do all the repairs, it's EVERY disagreement. It's not even disagreements a lot of the time, it's that you are constantly undermined any time you open your mouth. Everything you do, everything you don't do. Your entire existence is reflected back to you as failure in some vague but very serious way. Your efforts are belittled, your feelings not just invalidated, your feelings do not exist until the narcissist creates them for you. You are not human to them. You are an empty automaton waiting to be filled with more of their essence. You are told what your feelings are. You are told who you are inside as if they are in your head with you, watching, judging. You are even told what you do and don't like, and somehow, you allow them to convince you.
Something deep down feels very wrong, but you are confused as to what exactly it is, and you feel like it's your fault you can't solve the puzzle.
Your question if "how do I know when it's them or when it's me?" is part of what keeps the gaslighted person still attached and willing to stay. It drives you nuts,this question, because as empathic people we are inclined to want to always acknowledge that every relationship is at least 50% on you, 50% on me, and most of us are willing to work hard and give more of ourselves than we expect back to resolve a conflict or get along amiably. A gaslighter is not like that. A highly narcissistic and manipulative person does not feel 50% accountable towards making things work. They feel owed, entitled, more deserving. They do not need to put forth effort, they are perfect.
If you look back at the pattern in the relationship and it has always been 100% on you instead of normal balanced accountability, if it started off with little things and grew to encompass your whole being, and if you just can't tell where you fit and are questioning all your decisions and even feelings and thoughts, then you're being gaslighted.
Edit: anecdote from my own experience. I was about 15, cooking dinner. Grease spattered and I burned my wrist, instant 2nd degree, blister forming while I ran it under water. My father told me to stop hollering. I said it hurt, he said it didn't. I asserted that it did. He said no, it doesn't, and punished me for "lying".
Mom took me to the doctor the next day. I had the burn dressed and the doctor gave me a couple of days worth of Tylenol 3 w/codeine for pain. My father flushed them in the toilet, because I didn't need pain meds for something that didn't hurt. I was sent out to split firewood for lying. As I split the wood, I felt bad for lying. I felt bad for feeling "fake" pain. But...it hurt, didn't it? I certainly felt something coming from my wrist and it was nagging and unpleasant...isn't that what the word hurt meant? I thought it hurt but then I thought maybe I was mistaken about what pain is. I thought I was really screwed up, because I must not be feeling the same things other people feel. I wasn't normal if at age 15 I didn't know what pain really is. And since I didn't understand pain, how could I be sure I understood anything?
I am crazy, I thought. I don't deserve to be free. I am a burden on everyone. After I was done with the wood, I apologized to my father and I really meant it. I was so sorry I didn't know right from wrong. I cried myself to sleep because I was such a disappointment to my parents.
That's gaslighting. If someone has done this to you, get away from them and get help.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2019 01:38PM by ptbarnum.