Posted by:
relievedtolearn
(
)
Date: March 27, 2020 04:22PM
free man
It sounds like you would like conversations with your wife.
I can tell you that I used to want and expect that with my husband; I am now working on my part in what has happened over years to make pleasant, fun conversations very rare----which is me learning to be really, really clear that how he acts is probably not about me at all, and that I don't have to pass judgment, or have all the little secret rules inside my head from growing up in my own dysfunctional family trigger resentment and disappointment.
I am in the middle of learning---not there yet, but valuing this precious man and our relationship enough to work on it.
Meanwhile, though, since each of us lives inside the bubble of our own worldview, and can be quite blind to why someone might react to us the way they do, let me offer a few thoughts from my point of view.
If at any time ever, your wife expressed an actual opinion, or how she was feeling about anything---May I suggest you LISTEN--learn the art of listening.
Learn to reflect what you think she means--as a person who really wants to know what she is thinking---and see if you have misinterpreted. Learn phrases like, I'm not sure I understand what you are saying: is this what you mean? Or, Wow that's interesting; tell me more. Of, I am not sure I understand what you mean, can you give me an (another) example. Oh, you mean.....
You can say things like, Wow, that sounds hard if she expresses fear or pain. Or, wow, how wonderful, if she expresses joy or interest.
You can also couch differences of opinion by syaing things like, Here's what I think. What do you think. (and then if she responds with what she thinks, for goodness' sake, do not USE it to bulldoze her down. Just express how interesting it is that there can be such differences of opinion.
In other words, listen, Do not have the point of your conversation to be to prove that you are right and she is wrong.
One other thing: in case you do this, I can assure you, it does not help:
Do not say outrageous things to needle her, and then claim it was a joke. And do not turn things she says to you that could be an open door for intimacy and sharing into a pun or joke.
Not everyone is a born debater: some of us have been raised to find that kind of conversation very threatening, or bad manners, forbidden.
In case you are truly wanting to have interesting conversations with your wife, make sure you are not bulldozing her, trying to "win" a debate that she's made clear is not fun for her.