Today in my mailbox I got an advertisement pamphlet from Deseret Book. Out of boredom I glanced through it. It cracked me up. Absolutely none of this am I making up but it's probably only funny to exmos. It's the Fall 2011 one.

1. The Testimony Glove. Page seven. "Royalties from the sale of this book assist in providing testimony gloves to children in developing countries." Also, "glove inside." --Yeah that's what developing countries need, testimony gloves.

2. Janitors. Page nine. Yes really, a book about janitors. Actual quote, "Janitors is very exciting." --Hahahaha.

3. "Happy Like Jesus." --Only funny because the picture appears to be two male hippies groping in a pool.

4. "Foggy with a chance of Murder." Page 23. Actual quote, "While the tragedy opens Chloe's heart to a new religion, the boy's father, a recent widower, becomes the target in a chance of attacks that are anything but random."

5. "Last Laborer." Thoughts and reflections of a black Mormon. --Nothing I can say here would not be racist.

6. "Seventeen Miracles." Actual quote, "based on actual events."

7. "Seven Tipping Points that Saved the World." Actual quote, "One of the best HISTORY books I've ever read." --Glenn Beck.

See any other funny or ironic ones on their site? I'm sure there are more.

http://www.deseretbook.com

I'm hoping someday someone will write the book, "Token Black Person: I'm the first one to die in the movies."

Raptor Jesus Wrote:
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> I'm hoping someday someone will write the book,
> "Token Black Person: I'm the first one to die in
> the movies."
==========================================
Kinda like the extra guy in the red shirt that beams down with the Captain and crew on Star Trek. You're toast, pal!

Or the sweet country-type fellow in the WWII movie who shyly shows you the photo inside his helmet of his best girl Cindy Sue. Yup, he's a goner for sure.

The StalkerDog™ Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Raptor Jesus Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
>...
> Or the sweet country-type fellow in the WWII movie
> who shyly shows you the photo inside his helmet of
> his best girl Cindy Sue. Yup, he's a goner for
> sure.

He is sitting next to the silent guy in the paratrooper airplane who keeps sharpening his combat knife.

For Raptor Jesus. Speaking of 'token black person'.I was going through all my kids books today. Since they are adopted I have 5 or 6 books on adoption. I picked up and LDS one and it made me ill.One black child,and you could only see a profile,and not much of a profile. About 75% were blonde headed,pale skin children.They didn't even have many children with dark hair.

And the Mormons are not racists....sure.

And get flyers about once a month. I'll look- out of curiosity but end up being annoyed. So then it goes into the recycle bin and hopefully put to better use.

I had to look up more info on the Testimony Glove ...

"Based on the true experience of Susan L. Warner, former counselor in the Primary general presidency, this children's picture book tells the story of a girl who learns from her father what a testimony is. To help her understand how to express her testimony, her father uses his hand to teach her the five parts of a testimony in a way she can remember.

Along with the story, the book invites young Latter-day Saints to practice sharing their testimonies using the enclosed glove with pictures that attach to the end of each finger. The glove represents the Holy Ghost. There are pictures representing Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, the temple, and our current prophet, President Thomas S. Monson."

lol

And this review from a purchaser tops it:

"Pros: I purchased one of these for my lovely daughter who was having trouble saying what we know is true. She is still not sure what she believes, but at least she remembers what she is told to with this glove. Cons: It's kind of hard to pick things up once all the pictures are attached to the fingers."

ROTFLMAO

Well no shit, Sherlock!

"She is still not sure what she believes, but at least she remembers what she is told to [believe] with this glove."

Inadvertently telling the truth about a lie..

OMG! I just threw up a little in my mouth - not pleasant!

"The glove represents the Holy Ghost. There are pictures representing Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, the temple, and our current prophet, President Thomas S. Monson."

Heavenly Father
Jesus Christ
Joseph Smith
Book of Mormon
The Temple
Pres Thomas S Monson

Sonofagun! That's a SIX-finger glove!

~VOW

I wanted to 'Join In The FUN' looking for the ad yr referring to online; but alas, I couldn't find - see it.

Darn.

For the Record: I give YOU MY TESTIMONY that you're pulling our leg about the 'Testamony Glove'.

"I was born at Night, but NOT LAST NIGHT"

No it is real: http://deseretbook.com/Testimony-Glove-Kristen-M-Oaks/i/5044695

Plus LOOK AT THE PICTURE on the book! The picture frightens me. The arm that is holding up the glove is ripped and has veins bulging out so it must be the dad's right? Wrong. Look the dads is around the daughter. So whose hand is in that glove....? Ahhhh proof of Demon possession! The glove is definately evil and should be avoided at all costs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2011 08:04PM by onendagus.

onendagus Wrote:
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> Plus LOOK AT THE PICTURE on the book! The picture
> frightens me.

Oh, you're right. That's so creepy!

;o)

They do something like this "testimony glove" just to let the world know that there are no downward limits on the depths of inanity, insanity and infantility that devout Mormons will go to just to avoid facing what must be some of the most obvious facts in the world--such as the fact that Joseph Smith was a complete and utter fraud and the fact that the "General Authorities" have no authority and no inspiration and do not speak for god anymore than anyone else does.

-*-*

Daddy: "Say it again, Lisa. Look at the Picture of President Monson and say, 'I know Pwesident Monson is a Pwophet.' Come on you can do it."

Lisa: "But I don't know it! And he's scary. And why do you always tell me to pronounce my 'r's like 'w's?? It makes me sound like a baby!"

Daddy: "Well, you don't know it now. But if you keep repeating it, you'll think you know it just like mommy and me....uh...I mean you will know it just like mommy and me."

Lisa: "I do know one thing. I know this glove is the stupidest birthday gift anyone in the world has ever gotten from their parents! I hate you!"

Mine too. This is one of the stupidest things the mormons have ever done. And they have done plenty of stupid things.

I used to get Deseret Book ads in the mail too.

You're right. The best way to describe them is unintentionally hilarious.

People actually buy that stuff. Can you imagine how boring it must be inside their heads?

My favorites are the books that tell everyone what God wants, or thinks you should do. Like:

Believing Christ: The Parable of the Bicycle and Other Good News

"Author Stephen Robinson illustrates the power of the Savior as he uses analogies and parables, such as his own bicycle story, and scriptures and personal experiences in this moving, best-selling book. “Mortals have finite liabilities,” he explains, “and Jesus has unlimited assets.” By merging the two, exaltation can come. As long as we progress in some degree, the Lord will be pleased and will bless us. We must not only believe in Christ but also believe him — believe that he has the power to exalt us, that he can do what he claims. People will better understand the doctrines of mercy, justification, and salvation by grace after reading this book."

What a bunch of gobbledygook! The good news is Jesus rides bikes!

I heard Deseret Book removed the video from their site and YouTube has taken it down due to copywrite stuff. I found the ad on Shawn McCraney's YouTube video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNjS69-6XpM

LOL! I love how he points out that Joseph Smith is 'the middle finger' on the testimony glove! ;-)

You are so right that Joseph Smith is literally being given the middle finger, har har. ;-)

The BRAINWASHING Glove.

I have my own bicycle story - I wobbled and almost fell, so I bought a tricycle instead. A man I did not know and had never seen before, out of the clear blue, told me about tricycles.

Because of this experience, I know that the Mormon Church is true and that stranger was an angel, or maybe one of the Three Nephites.

This story is based on a true experience. (I did buy a tricycle).

Anagrammy

One of the 17 miracles based on actual events. Thanks for this testimony-bolstering story Grammy. The Church truly is true. Actual events prove it.

To The Rescue
a biography of Tommy Monson

Where are the widows and single mothers he helped???? I never hear of them ever bearing their testimony in anybody’s ward. Like “in my aunts ward in SLC back in 19…..whatever year Monson did thus and so” Or “My friend’s mother’s friend tells us Tommy did this and that for her.” He is always vague about who he really helped. In fact I’m thinking the widows he helped were so little known because he made them up!


“Experience the Origins” (of Latter Day Scripture)
The Joseph Smith Papers
Does that mean we get our own copy of the Book of Abraham papyrus?
How about some miniature gold plates?
Could we please have a copy of the FIRST book of Mormon???? With all of it’s spelling and grammatical errors???

I didn't see any of those.

I love those deseret book ads! my mom gets them all the time. even creepier is going into the actual store and seeing the things they sell there.

the "two hippies groping each other in the water" reminded me of something.

I finally caved and took my 5 year old daughter to my nephew's baptism. Daughter had never been to church before. She looked at the program, decorated with above mentioned JC and JTB in the water pic and said (quite loudly) "why are those two boys dancing together in the water??"

Because i am evil, i told her "they just got married to each other and they are celebrating. "

Yeah, pretty sure i am going to hell. :)

Oh holy crap! How is this a thing? And how do I get on this wonderful mailing list???? No seriously, I'm off to find a way to order the catalog. My coffee table NEEDS this.

"Christmas Jars Reunion"

"It’s been two years since Hope was reunited with her biological mother on Christmas Eve at Chuck’s Chicken ’n’ Biscuits. Hope has never felt more complete."


By God, this one HAS to be a page turner!

Just sayin'...

Ron

That Popcorn Bopping CD of Primary songs sure seems cringeworthy but I'll spare my ears the torture.

in the store, they have book of mormon action figures. i know there is an angel moroni and a joseph smith and a couple of different missionaries. they are odd as hell.

i think i will stop by there on my way home and pick up a copy of the catalog.

I ordered the catalog. I hope it doesn't make missionaries come to my door. Although I've had enough mishie friends that I'd mostly consider it an opportunity to feed a couple of hungry misguided kids, and maybe get them to laugh at the testimony glove with me.

No, but Sherri Dew might show up in a bustier and garters. ;)

Just sayin'...

Ron

The Fiance got a copy of that this weekend we were making fun of the glove one and there was another one of a little boy and the sacrement tray on the cover I think its about your baptism covenants or something the boy looks absolutly thrilled (not) lol. I thought the janitor one was hillarious.