After I made the decision to leave but to work through it with my wife first everthing keeps happening to complicate things. My good friend and running partner in our ward was just called to be the elders quorum president, he tried to call me to be the secretary. Here I am trying to keep things quiet while I work with my wife but now words going to get out and i'm afraid of all the "help" that we might start getting from do gooders and leaders in the ward. I already felt a time crunch with the wedding coming up. I am pretty firm in my decision to leave and what I don't like about things, but I won't tell anybody a firm position until I have my wife with me. I feel like things keep happening to force me out. Can't a guy just figure things out with his wife in peace?

Why not just say no to the calling?

"I'm sorry, but I'm just too busy."

I did say no to the calling, but in doing so I had to let the leaders no that I have an issue. The only problem is that it is forcing me to come out and i'm trying to protect the relationship with my wife and take it slow with minimal outside influence. It's hard enough to get my wife to open up and actually listen to me.

Without saying too much detail at this time, just tell them that you're working through a few things yourself right now that you don't war to discuss and you need some time and space. Disarm the often inevitable love-bombing by specifically requesting that they DO NOT escalate it to ward council or do anything else out of the ordinary. Tell them if they do this then you may need some time to work things out 'away from church for a while'.

Hopefully that will make it clear that the approach they would naturally seek to take, would be exactly the wrong approach to take, whilst giving you more breathing space. The classic mistake is to say too much too quickly before you're ready. You are in control of this situation and don't have to tell them anything you don't wish to. Make it clear that they will need to respect your wishes. I know a couple of people that have taken this approach for quite a period of time - the bishop just leaves them alone and they chose their desired level of involvement. Of course this might just depend on your Bishop.

You don't owe them any kind of explanation. You can simultaneously believe the church is true and not want to participate in any callings.

It doesn't have to be as simple as: turning down a calling = disbelief.

Turning down a calling = I don't want to do that
Turning down a calling = I don't have time for that
Turning down a calling = I don't get paid for that
Turning down a calling = I want to give someone else the opportunity.

Let them think what they want but it's a powerful thing to look someone in the eye and tell them "it's none of your business."

I can tell you from experience, that one day you will look back on this and wonder why you agonized over it.

As most former members will tell you, once you've been out for awhile you will look back and wonder how you ever believed any of it. You'll actually feel pretty foolish.

Unfortunately, while you're still active it's hard to see the forest for the trees. If it wasn't for the situation with your wife, I'd tell you to just walk away and don't look back. But I understand you need to keep things from getting out of control at home. You're on the right track though, best of luck.

Time and distance do change our perspective but like you say, it doesn't help while in the middle of it.

Like Goat Said, he "had to give a reason". Goat, you FELT like you had to give a reason. You are conditioned to respect church authority and in that condition you MUST respond when the Bishop or Stake President asks you why you won't accept the calling. The fact is, you live in America and you didn't have to tell them squat. But if you had shut them down and walked away it would have made things that much harder with your wife, right?

The church if very adept at placing the members in no-win situations. They are experts at extorting what they want/need from you. Keep this in mind then next time you have an encounter with them. It's still going to be tough but it might help.

Good luck!

Stunted

If you were getting baptized the members would tell you it was the Holy Ghost telling you to stop procrastinating:)

Mormonism, in my long experience and observation is more accurately described as a patriarchal, generational, cultural, religious tribe. This is the best way to describe how it functions in my experience.

In fact the word: tribe is used in their lexicon. As a convert, I was considered an adopted member of the tribe. Considering how tribes manifest, it is, in my view, the best way to understand how Mormonism creates a whole paradigm for the individual in a familial, societal, religious context aka tribe complete with it's own unique rituals, music, and language.

This system, including everything in their teachings/doctrines is not just earthly in their view, it's Eternal.
That is the core for their World View and how they incorporate their extended family.

Everything in the life of a truly believing, testimony bearing, totally immersed, temple attending, generational Mormon is about their goal to live Eternal Life in the Celestial Kingdom together as a family.

This is the context that their view of their Eternal family functions. Therefore, their lives among their family is geared around the rituals/ceremonies-costumes: blessings, baptisms, priesthood advancement for the boys, missions, temple marriages,"Callings" etc, and around and around it goes.

Leaving Mormonism is, for many, leaving their tribe in every sense of the word.

Leaving Mormonism, or leaving your tribe, however one approaches the exit process, as I describe it, is never about being weak. It is about being strong enough to feel the fear and do it anyway even if the consequences of our decisions are not known at the time.It's about being willing to step outside the cultural, religious boundaries of the familial tribe, and be OK doing it

Leaving Mormonism takes a huge dose of courage, tenacity and perseverance to withstand the onslaught of any Mormon who tries to discourage you from making choices that conflict with the long standing, generational, religious traditions.
One of my favorite quotes that describes my own personal struggles. As a young adult convert, my experiences are naturally going to be different that a BIC generational member.

"The individual has always had to struggle to resist the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
--Nietzsche

And, that, is why it isn't easy! :-)

Really it's not that big a thing that they would offer me a calling (even thought I just told them to release me from my calling of building rep (janitor)). The real issue that makes it hard is that I am dying to release all my pent up angst. "Sure! I'd be happy to tell you why I don't want a calling, it's mentally and emotionally damaging to me and my family." I could go on and on, i'm ready to run out of the door screaming and never look back. It's all I can do to hang around twiddling my thumbs while I try to bring my wife and kids with me. There was something called the ?backlash? effect that I heard about a little while ago, the more you hear contradictory evidence to something you believe in the more you believe in it. That is exactly what goes on with my wife so I need to go slow and work her up or else we'll have serious problems. The amount of emotional build up I have is huge! It's so hard to keep my mouth shut.

My wife and I are still trying to decide how to get started. She wants to create a spiritual environment so that we can pray about it because religion can't be figured out logically, the spirit works outside of that realm. I am not willing to accept anything externally anymore, I need to think through and make my own decisions. She doesn't understand how it will work to come from within and still work with her.

I don't know what i'm doing, I just know that I have been led my whole life and i'm trying to reclaim myself. Once I realized what was happening I understood a lot more about my insecurities and shame and guilt that i've felt. I'm not willing to pray for the answer because that leads me to an answer outside of myself and that doesn't work for me right now. I don't even know how to think about God. I still believe in a spiritual element to this life but my perspective is much more open now. Really i'm sitting with a blank slate and trying to figure things out. She has tried to come to a blank slate with me but without the major blow that I have felt she has not been able to understand. I'm trying to convince her that we need to read the facts hoping that it will give her a big shake too, but I have to help her to keep the reactionary wall from stopping her actually seeing the facts.

Whoa, this was a little longer then I thought it would be and a conglomerate mess. Key points, I'm frustrated because things are moving slower than I like with my wife and I don't feel like I can keep my wife on my page if I talk to other people. It's a big taunt when I'm trying to keep my mouth shut when they offer me a calling.

the end.

They don't make it easy to leave, do they?

It's purposely difficult to leave the church. It's in the church's interest to make it as painful and costly to leave, or more people would leave.