I guess I'm done lurking. In fact once I share my story, there might be friends on here who know who I am ;)

*BIC, fairly typical mormon-raised childhood in...primary, YW, etc.

*Got married young, in AZ temple because...you know, it's just what you do!

*married in a miserable marriage for 16 years before we finally just decided it was stupid to stay together anymore, even for the kids sake (even they admitted to realizing our marriage was in shambles)

*Ex finally admitted to being gay, which I suspected for YEARS. This admission, ironically was not the cause of our breakup, and he is happier than ever, living now with his BF. We discussed the fact that he was probably a depressed SOB most of the time because of living in a relationship that was not "him".

Funny note on him: My friend asked for his phone number and address where he's now living ("the Bishop wants it"). Obviously I didn't give it up and I called my ex to warn him that they were after him!!! He knows that technically they could EX him now (the old ward knows about him living with a BF now) and he needs to be prepared...He said he hadn't thought much about that. So I forwarded him a resignation letter example. :) Just doing my ex-wifely duties! 'Course, the church could probably EX me know too ;)

*we are better friends than EVER because of our split and the kids (4 of them) recognize this and have mentioned how nice it is that we aren't so miserable anymore.

*Have always had unanswered and shelvable questions about the church since I was a young teenager. Wasn't until about 6 years ago (btw, I'm 38) I finally started my research. I knew there was "stuff" out there that was being kept from me....I had no IDEA just how much though. The more I read, the more my world imploded. But only for a couple of months...then I started my upward digging out of the church.

*I haven't been to church in well over a year and at that point I was only going for the kids. I no longer believe most of what the mormons teach and not even sure where I stand on God in general. That's been my thinking for well over 4 years. But I'm happy being an agnostic and I'm sooooooooooo much happier not being mormon. Still haven't removed my name but I don't consider myself a mormon anymore. There are days I'm ready to send in the letter and others where I'm comfortable just trying to fade into nonexistence. I'm comfortable with setting firm boundries now and really don't have much reactivation efforts going on...an occasional plate of cookies which my kids think ROCKS!!! "MOM, I like not going to church...they bring us treats!"

*My kids want nothing to do with the church either. Especially my oldest (15 yrs). My parents know about my leave from the church...I was pretty much the last hope, as my other 3 siblings no longer believe or attend. But they aren't super TBM, so there's no reprimanding or guilt ridden emails. I consider myself LUCKY.

*as for my own personal "fallout": the NOM website helped me through the transitional phase several years ago...a lot of anger and resentment. A lot of questions and "new" answers. I no longer have much anger...just occasional bouts that only reaffirm my decision to leave.

soooo, that's pretty much my story. I admit I'm having more fun now than ever...obviously making up for lost time :) I still consider myself spiritual, but in a natural sense. I find my peace outdoors by myself, in listening to music, etc. I now know more about myself than I did for the first 34 years of my life!!! It was hell trying to be something you're not...mormon or gay...my ex spouse and I have learned a LOT in the past 2 years and we've both grown immensely.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/03/2011 09:10AM by birds of a feather....

You'll find many kindred souls here!

Glad you're out of mormonism and the unlivable marriage.

Good luck to you and your kids.

I'm glad that your former spouse is now free to be himself. You sound like you are in positive place. I agree with you about spirituality -- I was raised in a church, but I don't feel the need to have it pounded into me every week. I find my peace in nature as well.

We're glad to have you here!

I'm glad of that too. he was a dreary, dreary, depressed and mean man while married. That in turn made our family a very stressed and anxious one!

you know I'm also the "ex" of someone gay and we are best friends. I'm glad to see you and your ex are on good terms. It doesn't always work out that way. Loved reading your story.

Oh--I have to say that my ex was never ex'd and we have been separated for 16 years. Both he and I finally resigned back in January 2011 because our TBM daughter still seemed to have issues with us going back--and the bishop (a friend) came by at Christmas and said something about, "You'll be back." I wanted to draw a line in the sand. It was very simple and the bishop was great about it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/03/2011 10:45AM by cl2.

I've only been lurking for about a month or two, so I hadn't know this! so nice to "meet" you!

Interesting that you stayed separated for so long. I've often felt that there was really no need to divorce, even after 1 1/2 yrs. of separation...he carries my medical insurance and we both still benefit from filing a joint income tax return :):) As far as getting in the way of another marriage, that won't happen because Im done with marriage...not because I got burned, but BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. don't need it again.

1) Go to the top of this page and click on "search."
2) Then where it says "search authors," put in “cl2”.

You will find lots and lots of insightful posts by cl2 on this topic!

And welcome to the board. :-)

too big of a mess to do so and I was BROKE. It wasn't a pretty situation when we separated and it took some years to work it all out. My "ex-mo" therapist told me to decide if I was going to do it--since I talked about a lot--and I made the DECISION not to pursue divorce. Then again, when I look back, I realize I couldn't have continued to go to this therapist and he has saved me.

But--I need his medical insurance, too. He and I were just talking about this a few days ago--talking about what benefits we will both get by having stayed married. I will be eligible for part of his pension as I have no retirement. (We are both 54 years old.) If one of us should die, the other would get more SS (if we still get it then), etc. We still have our home and both own it.

I didn't plan on ever dating again--but the nonmo guy I turned down 34 years ago got a divorce almost 7 years ago and I've been in a relationship with him since.

I consider myself an apostate, agnostic, adulteress and I wear the badges with pride. I was such a "good girl" for so very, very long.

My ex lives in "our" home with our son. I go home part of the time (my boyfriend lives in Colorado and we are from Utah).

Anyway--it has been quite a journey. Oh--I'm actually one of the "few" who knew he was gay before I married him. The leaders told me it was my job to save him. We married in 1984.

What always does my heart good is to see those who have had mixed marriages be able to move on and be friends. P.S. I love the gays on this board--and my ex's last partner is one of my best friends--as is his boyfriend before that. When we go places, we call it Big Love. We even vacation together--along with "our" children. We have almost 26-year-old twins.

Thank you for sharing your story with us! Welcome to the board! Hope you stick around.

Welcome!

Good for you and welcome!

I know your situation is about as far away as it can get from the Mormon ideal - eternal marriage, clean and happy children, good income, lots of money to pay tithing.....

And it may not feel like a happy ending even now, but what you have is at least real. You have a workable relationship with you ex, your children recognize that things have improved a great deal, your ex can live an authentic live, you can live an authentic life, you own yourselves now instead of belonging to a soul sucking cult.

I call that a happy ending.

Welcome.

Welcome

I, too, have posted many times about my former marriage to a gay man.

We remained legally married for over a year after we split. We finally divorced formally because at the time I felt I would like to re-marry. Now I wish I had kept those insurance benefits ;)

I have also decided that I am unlikely to marry again. Partly for personal reasons and partly because I don't like the idea of getting married when he, and others like him are legally barred from doing so.

And I must say, i love reading all the GENUINE support from rfm. More than u could get from TSCC anyway...

I'm so glad u decided to come above ground. This is where the party is. So to speak.

:)