Posted by:
fubecona
(
)
Date: January 06, 2012 02:24PM
I also tried responding to your first post ronas but the thread was closed so here is my response. I hope it helps. Oh, and the link dot posted above is good too, that one also helped me, you might want to start with that one and ease your wife into the other stuff that I list in my following post (since the one above is from a TBM sex therapist). OH, also I'd like to say that I don't think you should blame yourself so much. I mean, of course you are at fault but so is your wife. She needs to try harder to understand your perspective and your needs, imo.
My original response:
I think you should try to save your marriage it sounds like you truly love each other and have a great friendship. You guys can work on the sex, but it will take time. I think you both will need to have a lot of patience with each other.
So here's what stands out to me from what you said about your wife. Mormonism, as it typically does, has ruined sex for her. She sees it as something dirty and maybe even "wrong." That's the way she was conditioned. A lot of TBM women have this problem. I did too. When I was married, I still thought wanting sex was bad and there was stuff I felt guilty about doing (such as wearing sexy lingerie) even though I was married and there were things I would not do because it seemed "perverse" to me. I think this is typical of most TBM women and most likely your wife may even feel badly about her own sexual desires (and of course the church teaches her masturbation is evil even though she has probably done it herself, there's so much guilt with that). I know I did. What she needs is to be re-educated about sex so that she can have a much healthier attitude towards it and recognize that you are just a normal male who has a high sex drive, not some kind of sexual deviant. This is the real problem I think, she sees your desire for her as a threat rather than as something positive. I think if she fundamentally changes her attitude and perspective on sex, then she will be much more willing to give you what you need. You of course also need to be willing to compromise and like I said, it would require a lot of patience.
So I realize that changing her attitude on sex is easier said than done. I realize what is truly getting in the way with that is the fact that she's TBM and I know that makes it harder. But I think there are some things you could suggest she read and listen to that may help her slowly change how she views sex. I am recommending these things because they helped me realize that sex is just a natural part of our human experience, it's something we need (not just desire) and it's very important to a healthy marital relationship. I wish I had understood this when I was still married, although unfortunately it wouldn't have saved my marriage (my ex is gay) but I still wish I had known and had the chance to have had a more fulfilling sexual relationship in my marriage. But live and learn. Anyway, here are some resources that really helped me. It changed the way I understand sexuality (especially male sexuality) and has made me a much better sexual partner (according to the 2 I have had since getting divorced).
Dennis Prager's lectures on Male Sexuality (I don't know if I'm allowed to post a link but just google it). It's a little pricey but I seriously think it's well worth it. I listen to him regularly and he totally changed the way I see male sexuality. I used to see it as a threat much like your wife but I don't now. To me this knowledge is invaluable. (he's a conservative radio talk show host but he doesn't just cover politics, since he's conservative your wife might be more open to him ??)
Also this woman lectures to men and women about male/female relationships and understanding male nature. She provides great insight too.
http://understandmen.com/Like I said, I recommend these things because they really helped me have a much healthier attitude towards sex and better understanding male sexuality, this is what I think your wife needs most, a new perspective on sex. Of course, it's just my experience but I was once a TBM wife who was rather prudish about sex and though I did often enjoy it more often than not it felt more like a chore because I didn't really understand sex nor male sexuality. Now that I do (and I'm still learning), I actually like sex.
I hope this helps. I really really hope that you can work things out with your wife. It sounds like a marriage that is well worth saving and you would save yourselves and your children unimaginable heartbreak. Best of luck to you and your wife.