I'm feeling really sick inside, & I'm trying not to cry.

This goddamn, fucking cult robbed me of being a normal person. It made me feel like shit about being abused, & told me it was my fault it happened. It told me the I was less of a person because I'm female, & treated me as such. It treated me like shit because I use my brain. It treated (& continues) to treat me like shit because I don't subscribe to gender roles, & because I'm not married or have kids. This fucking shit they call 'seminary', that I was forced to go to, stood in the way of me recovering academically in high school, after floundering in junior high. I went right on foundering instead. Then there was the 2 years they robbed of me because I felt pressured to accept a calling to be a Primary counselor right out of high school. It interfered with trying to look for work, as well as my college studies.

There was so much more that went on of course, but this is all I can type out right now. & also I can't be too specific about some things because I need to maintain my anonymity.

And it is ok to be angry. You will probably be really pissed off for a while.

The important thing is that you're out. You could have wasted your whole life on that BS.

Now it is time to make your life into the life you want! Have you ever heard the saying "It is never too late to have a happy childhood."? Now is the time. Grieve over your past, then get a move on! Your real life awaits!

I'm still angry and I've been out half my life.

:(

That's the only thing I can think of.

The following is all sarcasm:

You're angry because it is true, and you are kicking against the pricks.

No bones about it, it sucks. Truly, what a waste of life being in the church, honestly. Let it all out, get support from like minded people and use that to help you live your life, the way YOU want and not according to the way someone else tells you that you should.

Big stupid mean arrogant pushy self absorbed greedy bastard church!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2012 06:07PM by Cheryl.

All I can say is I am so sorry. (HUGS) Time does heal. I actually taught at both BYU and the MTC, never mind Primary and MIA. I was an obnoxious Mormon a lot of the time -- even when I started doubting. Then one day I had a EUREKA moment and I took off my garments, threw them all in the trash, and walked out of the church. (Then --I had an affair with a non-Mormon BYU professor! What can I say, I was in full rebellion mode.) I currently use my teaching skills and college degrees for teaching real classes in the humanities to high school students.

However, I am truly sorry and embarrassed for having promoted this cult once. I am so sorry for the harm done to people like you.

It is perfectly okay to be angry, I think so many of use were once as well.

(I still have issues all these years later, even with a wonderful non-Mormon husband and great teenage children. This board has helped me a lot. Funny, compassionate and wonderful people to be found here C:)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2012 05:33PM by drwal.

Seems like healing can be a very long process. I thought I was fine after being out a year or so, but just had a family reunion and alot of shit came up for me. I had to miss part of the reunion because I was in such a bad place just from being around all those TBM's.

You've been through ALOT, obviously since you are dealing with not only the church's bullshit but the abuse as well, and that has to be a very tough combination.

I wish you well in your pursuit of truth and happiness. Know that it's ok to hurt and to suffer with anger and/or self-doubt and all of the other things that go along with the healing process.

It's amazing how losing one's belief can help you see things clearer.

As a kid, I always wondered why certain relatives avoided family reunions. It just dawned on me when I read Greg's post that the reason was that they didn't want to hang around with my Mom and her ultra-TBM siblings.

Can't say I blame them now. I avoid talking to my Mom because all she wants to talk about is church and how Jesus is coming any day now because there is so much sex on TV. It gets very tiring.

Remember, Tristan, they will never apologize or do anything to make it right. You are in the process of moving on.

"Better to be the slave of a poor master than live as they do, and think as they do." ----Plato

You mentioned you were pissed about going to seminary, im pissed i went to seminary/institute/and that i went on a mission.

I was extremely young as a Primary counselor, just 18 when I was called. Even though I was a non-believer, I seriously considered going on a mission just to make certain misogynists I knew angry. After I was released from my calling 2 years later however, I was like 'Fuck all of this! They have robbed me of so much of my life, there is no way I'm going on a mission!' I was stuck in nursery for a short while later on, then I ward hopped for a short while. Then Prop 22 happened (precursor to Prop 8), & I basically went inactive.

The best revenge is to live a beautiful life.

I was robbed of most of my life. The rest of my life is going to be beautiful. The church no longer calls the shots.

Being a member has destroyed my family of origin. It deprived me of of a college education, it totally screwed up my love life. It stole my self esteem and my confidence. It did it's level best to suffocate my gifts, talents, and who I really am. It just about stole my children and my husband. I believe it also stole my health. This is just the things that are coming to mind at the moment.

You are young enough to get out there and build a life that you want and love. With support, and effort you can put mormonism behind you and move on. It is possible.

You have information at your finger tips. You have support. You KNOW the truth about mormonism. Because you have those things, I believe you can overcome the damage and move on to live the life you really want. You will not be stuck in mormonism your entire life unless you choose to be.

It's okay and normal to feel pissed off at the church.

Which really is a destructive cult but you didn't know because they are masters at lying and taking advantage of people.

It does suck, but take a big breath and feel it. Then take a moment and be grateful the light came on.

Sadly for some, the light of truth never does come on.

That REALLY sucks.

(but not for you)

"They have screwed up my whole life" is a feeling, not a fact.

Here's a fact: you are still alive, therefore, they have not screwed up your whole life.

Furthermore, if I am remembering your background, you are a survivor of almost everything. Nothing could crush you--life threw you every curve ball and here you are, still standing. You are AMAZING, an example to every person who ever whined over Mom not getting them a more individualized birthday present.

You should jump on Netflix and watch every episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive," and see exactly what it takes to be the equivalent of the kind of survivor you are.

Your life would have been better had your parents been other people, had you been born in India, had you been an adopted child of Bill and Hillary Clinton. There are many alternate universes you could agonize over, but you are blaming the Mormon Church for yours when it could just as easily been Scientology or Jehovah Witness or Islam. Doesn't matter.

What matters is you dig down and do the internal work you need to do to repair the damage that was done. There is a part of you deep inside that believes you are not good enough. You cover it up in a number of ways--we all do-- but they've been telling you this since you were a lisping three-year-old. You were told you needed saving. Any idiot can figure out that means there's something wrong with me --especially if I have to have someone die a horrible death to make up for my awfulness.

Forgive me, if I offend any Christians reading this. I think you can be a Christian without buying into original sin. This is just my belief-that you were born beautiful and perfect. There is no one who does not know that when they look at a newborn. Somehow, we are twisted away from this beautiful truth so that people can sell us redemption.

Anyway, Buddhist psychologist Tara Brach makes a series called "Radical Acceptance" which means radical acceptance of YOURSELF. It teaches you the tools you need to maintain a healthy mental state and heal the illusion of intrinsic guilt which has been planted. You can download her audiobook on any torrent site or email me and I'll send it to you for free (myname at gmail).

This approach has worked for posters here and also for one of my children who struggles with profound depression and mental illness.

I hope I am making myself very clear: you are angry because you are a normal person who has been victimized. There are ways you can heal from the damage and have peace even while Mormonism rages on the earth.

Hugs

Anagrammy

Thanks. Except I have barely been able to keep my head above water my entire life. I have succeeded at nothing, & I am not thriving. & I did almost die before I was 3 years old. It was horrific, & I remember it vividly. Most of the time, I seriously think that I should have died.

It can take a long time to really thrive. Things didn't start taking off for me until I went back to school in my 30's. Even then it took another 8-10 years before my new life started to fall into place. It's never too late.

Age and emotional distance (from whatever situation that is troubling you) are great healers. It really does get better. Hang in there, T-P.

Really, I just want to be able to get on with my life, & I'm not able to. I feel like I'm being punished just for being alive.

I'm not 100% on what your situation is but I definitely relate to your feelings.

I am stuck living with my TBM parents because no one will hire me. I just want to get on with my life and get as far away from the church as possible.

Sometimes people act like you are the owner of your destiny but how can I get on with my life if I can't get a job?

I'm sorry you feel this way. I get really angry too. Sometimes we have to just deal with the shitty times and hope better times are on the way.

Ah, Tristan-Powerslave, I'm so sorry that you were abused! I was, too, and I still have PTSD. Most likely, you have it, too. Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy really helped me, but it took many years. Even now, I have to be aware of my fears, and face them head-on, as my psychiatrist trained me to do. Life does get better, and many of your fears probably no longer exist--especially if you have left the cult.

It will help you to officially resign. If you aren't free to do that, then you probably aren't really free of the cult, either. You need to get Mormonism out of your life and out of your thoughts, as much as possible! If you are still trapped, you can cut back on your meeting attendance. Balance the unpleasant meetings with something you enjoy, immediately afterwards--even if it is a short walk around the neighborhood to decompress, or a bag of fries at McDonald's. You are coping with a truckload of negativity, and you can balance that with love (even a pet loves you) and non-Mormon friends and activities you truly enjoy. You can physically be forced to go to meetings, but still not be there in your heart and mind--know what I mean? Think of something else. Make a shopping list. Plan your week. Read a book. Do math in your head. Read Victor Frankyl's "Man's Search for Meaning."

My biggest problem was anger. Anger is a normal stage in recovery. It is a normal step in mourning the loss of a loved one. You feel like you have lost your self, your childhood, your freedom, your hope, maybe even your soul--NOT! Even if you had only one more day to live, you would choose to live it outside of church. You have years and years! "Man is that he might have joy."

It has been 6 years for me, and the rage has not subsided. Maybe it is because some of us still live among the Mormons, our families and neighbors are Mormons, and Mormons are still being rude to us. The shunning goes on and on. At one time, I thought my anger was pretty much over, and them--wham--Prop 8 got me seething all over again! My children resigned with me, but one married a Mormon, and the cult has its claws into my grandchildren. Maybe we need to deal with our anger, and take more action. The more you stand up to your oppressors, the easier it gets. Remember that bullies are cowards.

You have lived long enough to see that "what goes around, comes around." My TBM ex-husband who beat and strangled me had a stroke a few weeks ago, and he can't walk. My abusive TBM brother is dealing with lawsuits against him for the sexual harassment and molestation of two neighbor ladies. My older TBM brother who stole away most of our parents' estates, had his son do the same thing to him, causing him to lose his house, and die homeless. Karma is a bigger bitch than any of us could ever be!

Mormon abusers get away with their crimes. I don't know about you, but it makes me feel better to see my abusers punished.

Luckily for me, I'm not being forced to attend, & haven't attended any sort of church meetings in 11 years. But my parents, even my inactive apostate dad, want me to go back. They've talked about it a few times in the last 12 years.

It's frustrating me that I can't actually move forward in life, & can't really grow up. It just makes me look all that more pathetic because I'm 36, & will be 37 at the beginning of the year. It's as if I've been told, 'There's only 2 ways we are going to let you grow up, & if you don't agree to either of them, then you have to live a miserable existence as if you're no more than 12 years old.'

I think, for many of us "thriving" is getting harder and harder in the US.

The good news is the US dollar still allows for a "thriving" comfortable lifestyle.

Visit Latin America where it is inexpensive to live, warm and Spanish is the language. "I will go down(south)" has yet another meaning. lol

I bear my exmo testimony $500 a month in Costa Rica will suffice.

You will be fine, just give it time. The world is actually a cool place to live once you get the scales off your eyes. You have won the battle!

I want to thank everyone for your responses. It means a lot to me.

I also plan on writing more about how angry I am especially regarding how I couldn't figure out the fact that I'm asexual because of the cult.

I would say what anagrammy and forestpal said. But 12 years of anger? You're literally poisoning yourself! If you have no TBM spouse(?) or children, why not resign? Are your parents still controlling you? I was SO angry for years, and I have PTSD, but now had a chance to start over and create the life I'd always wanted. Don't know what you want? Get professional help. Read lots of books; I would recommend starting with "the Courage to Heal", "The Family" and other books by John Bradshaw, "Healing the Child Within", and "You Can Heal Your Life". These books were a huge help for me, as well as allowing me to understand my abusers and why these things happen. Also see if there's an ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)--they accept anyone with a dysfunctional family history. Growing up in a dysfunctional Mormon family is very much like living with alcoholics. If you cant or don't wish to go to meetings (I'd recommend it for the emotional and moral support), at least get their Big Red Book.

The most important thing for those of us who were abused is to learn to love ourselves, which is very difficult after being made to believe we were to blame for everything that happened to us. You are a divine soul and well worth taking the time to do what YOU want, to identify your unique qualities and talents, to develop self-worth, even to find what you can contribute to making the world a better place. Wounded souls make the best healers, but first you must release the anger, put your needs first and allow yourself to heal. Redirect that passionate anger to something that you love, especially yourself. (((hugs)))