Every time I try to parody Mormonism, or near every time it seems, it turns out that someone knows some Mormon that actually beat me to the punch. Here's seeing if I can finally out crazy the crazies.

Mormon themed business ideas

White and Delightsome Dry Cleaning Service. Don't just get your baker's cap white, get it White and Delightsome. Yes, a dry cleaner that specifically deals in sacred Mormon temple clothes. All the staff will have temple recommends, so you don't have to worry about a gentile seeing your apron.

The Sword of Laban. This one is a discreet gentleman's club that goes out of its way to protect the identity of its clientele, by having a hidden parking lot, with lookouts who will make sure no cars are coming when you pull out, so no one sees you. Also works for gay bars, bars in general, or tea rooms that serve actual tea.

Bridal shop for little girls who want to play dress up, in preparation for their one big special day. Needs a name.

A Pawn shop that deals in secret tokens and handshakes, so you finally have a place to sell those.

I don't know, some multi-level marketing scam involving facial creams that are basically scented petroleum jelly.

The Frump Factory- A Bridal shop for little girls who want to play dress up, in preparation for their one big special day. Also sells garments - the ultimate foundation of frump.



AmIway - Where initiatories and Amway meet in the middle. A multi-level marketing firm involving facial creams that are basically scented petroleum jelly that leaves you washed, annointed, and pronounced clean. Each facial comes with a 25% off coupon to The Frump Factory!

forbiddencokedrinker Wrote:
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> A Pawn shop that deals in secret tokens and
> handshakes, so you finally have a place to sell
> those.


"Pay-Lay-Sale"

Lamanite Coffee. The darkest roast from the richest fairy tale.

That is good, but you lose on the grounds that that is actually a brilliant idea. Every ex-Mormon in Utah would be showing up at your coffee shop.

I would like to expand upon the frump factory. In that, all of the clothes will only be made out of felt, like they use on those primary storyboards.

...AdamandEve.com........well, we ALL know what that one is.

Wait, despite all of the fake new found openness and tolerance of those with ssa, it would still need to be called...

....AdamandEveNotSteve.com....

Joesph Smith Bridal Shoppe - Multi reused Bridal dresses comes in 14 year old sizes.



Brigham and Jerry's Icecream shop "56 flavors to chose from."


Right hand butcher shop "if the right hand offend chop it off!"

Flaming sword gay bar - because an angel told you to.

2nd token of the Melchizedek - Bingo and slots casino.

Will you give it to me? I will through the veil - couples meet up

White and delightsome bleach - for that special spirtual whiteness.

This is why we can never leave RfM....


Anagrammy

Celestial Swingers. For people who have been praying for things to be on earth as they are in heaven.

My Turn on Earth Fetus Cloning. Why not give that special spirit another chance?

Stealth Scripture Covers. Unique iphone holders are exact duplicates of most popular triple and quad combination scriptures. Enjoy Angry Birds without fear of detection even in the smaller meetings. Includes pen and highlighter for more natural look and feel. Special apostate model includes cover inscription of quote by President Gordon B. HInckley, "I don't know that we teach that."

Clean Mouth Cellphone Service. New LDS smartphone technology censors your incoming and outgoing texts, pics, voicemails and even live conversations! Replaces your foul language with appropriate euphemisms. Bunt for *unt, plaster for *astard, Wheezer for Jesus, and standard vocabulary replacements of "H-E-Double Chopsticks" for hell. Available in five major languages for missionary convenience. Why leave your mouth to chance?

Apostate Mortuary Services. Serving the grieving families of the formerly LDS. Black temple clothing for apostates who will be having their work done after they are gone. Trained makeup specialists certified in Nauvoo, Illinois to restore facial glow removed by years of smoking, coffee drinking or other problem personal habits. Not affiliated with "Church of Satan." Affiliated with:

Apostate Headstones, Inc. Various engravings of Terrestial Kingdom available with apostasy date rather than death date for the discriminating Mormon family wishing to maintain decorum. We understand.


Great thread!!! Belly laughs

Anagrammy

Mormon exploiting, I mean themed businesses already exist in Utah. You've got DearElder (I know the owner and he makes BANK on this), Shade Clothing, and my personal favorite: LDSAgents (I also know the owner of this one).

LDSAgents is especially disgusting because it caters to the elitism feeling that Mormons already have. Buying a house but don't want to deal with those sinning, worldly agents who will surely try to scam you? Come to LDSAgents and we can hook you up with a Mormon Real Estate Agent!

I wish I was joking :(

TriedandTrueTestimonies.com

Dozens of faith-promoting stories for when you need something to say that will bring everyone to tears at F&T meeting.

A restaurant called "My Ward's Potluck". You can order several classic Mormon dishes, the specialty being funeral potatoes. All dishes are served with a heavy helping of cream of chicken, and you can't forget the green jello dessert!

No alcohol of course, but during happy hour, they have fantastic punch and sherbet specials.

CallingsRUs

Temp agency specializing in short-term assignments to take your place when life gets too hectic and the Bishop simply won't take no for an answer.

LoveBombBaskets.com

Includes free delivery within 20 miles of the nearest temple.

Their motto should be, "We go through the effort, of looking like we put forth no effort, so no one will ever question if it was really from you."

Temple themed barbie dolls, designed to look like the Adam and Eve from the temple movie, since, as it was noted in another thread, they already look like they are made from plastic.

Instead of cheerios or goldfish crackers in those little ziploc baggies:

Cereal bits or mini crackers that are shaped like the golden plates.

Mini crackers stamped with "CTR"

For the more advanced toddlers, little Jupiter talisman crackers.

Can't overlook a solid little nugget of cheesy or salty snackiness that resembles a stone. Packaged in a container that resembles a hat, of course.

Virtual on line world. Lamanites vs the Nephites. Questing, kingdom building.

Call it "Worl of Priest-craft"

UNCLE STAN'S BIG BAD BAR -- Where everybody knows your "name"

Wet Garmie Contest tonite! Green Jello Tank Top Wrestling every Saturday!

Fifty Shades of White Shirt Shack

My Brother's Keeper Information Services - We'll get the low down on all you friends and neighbors so you don't have to look like the gossiper that you really are! Only $29.99 per month after initial activation fee.

Eyes Wide Shut Optometry - We specialize in glasses that turn your church going experience into an energy boosting power nap....as your eyes glaze over and close in church, the lenses change appearance to look like your eyes are wide open, and if you order in the next 20 minutes, we'll install the automatic eye blink feature for free! And for an additional $99.99, you can have the "burning testimony tear ducts" installed so every testimony you hear will make you weep tears of joy. Available in Rose color only.

We're So Blessed Car Accesories - Tired of driving that hunk of junk to church and everyone thinking god hates you cause you're broke? Try our new "Clunker Cover Ups" the car cover that looks like a Rolls Royce! just place it over that POS you've been driving that you got from you parents, fill it with air and presto, your car will look like a million bucks.....and everyone at church will know how blessed you really are....because it really is all about appearances.

Milk Before Meat Postum Creamer - If your morning cup of Joe Smith looks like a loathsome and dark skinned Lamanite and tastes like a bitter anti-mormon, then you need Milk Before Meat Postum Creamer. Just add a squirt or two into your cup, sit back and swallow. Comes in a handy 6 inch long, palm sized sqweeze dispencer made in one of our "Little Factories" in Brazil.

J. "Golden" Kimball Shower Head - Is your ordinary shower not getting you clean enough for sunday school? Does the musty smelling old guy at church refuse to sit by you? Then you need the J. "Golden" Kimball Shower Head! Our J. Golden Shower Head is like liquified gold plates sprinkling down from a heavenly orifice, coating you in righteousness that will never wash off. A new pillar in shower technology has been erected!

Jonny, you are brilliant!

Burning In the Bosom Breast Enhancement Clinic, for those sweet spirits who haven't received the endowment they desire.

The bridal shop could be called "Unlicked Cupcakes."

How about a magic shop called

Joe's peep stones.

Vasectomy service....Joe's Peep Stone Removal.

No, i think that would be proctology

No... I think that would fall under urology :)

If your professor asks where you got it, tell him some holy stones gave it to you.

now that's a very real possibility there!

Boyd's Little Factory Outlet

A wholesale porn store

Quite a few others here:
http://www.salamandersociety.com/mall/

How about a store that sells clothes for children that are being sealed? Temple Tots?
Their theme slogan could be "Bring um young." Oh! some Mos may not like that theme slogan.
How about POLY Bridal shop where "all of your wives can have matching ugly bridal gowns, garmies included, sewn in while U wait."
Next door to that "POLY BRATS" where "we sell nothing but gingham all the time 24/7."
You could also make a fortune selling rocks from near the vault in Cottonwood Canyon and call them "Seer Stones to go, for when you feel revealing. Monday night is family night - BOGO Free."
THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH FUN!!



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2013 03:00AM by enoughenoch19.

Bridal shoppe name I would go for is:

Princess Brides