Something I was thinking about today...

When my now-husband and I were dating as teens (16&19), his family went insane and tried making us break up. They took DH's computer, phone, and car keys. They read our mail. They read his journal. They hacked all of his email accounts. Eventually, he left home and moved to my home town. Several months later, our district participated in an EFY activity day at Southern Virginia University. I went with a family in their van. DH's sister was there, too, and we ignored each other completely. My MIL came into the gym near the end, before picking up SIL. I was sick with anxiety, but I walked over to her and gave her my phone, with DH on the other line. I gave her a few minutes of privacy, since it had been about four months since DH had left home, with no word. When I was on my way home with the family I'd come with, the father asked, "Was that woman Devin's mother?" I said yes, and he was silent for a while. I could tell he was pissed. I waited, and he said, "She needs to get the Spirit with her."

Uh oh.

Apparently my MIL had spent the last twenty minutes of the concert telling the people standing next to her that she didnt think that EFY allowed "morally compromised youth" attend their functions. She even pointed me out, and told them that her son was "shacking up" with me, and that he couldn't serve a mission because of me.

I was in shock, because, while I already knew that she hated me and blamed me for how her son hated her, I didn't think she would actually try to spread rumors about me, so openly. And to MY ward! I let that bitch talk to her son, so she would know he was alright, and she couldn't just be happy to hear from him?

So my ward "family" took up for me, and when we were about to get married, my MIL called our bishop to ask him to not officiate at our wedding. He refused, and told her it would probably be best if she let it go. She refused, and he told us the next morning what she had said. He seemed disgusted that she refused to get substitutes for her primary class to come to our wedding. The bishop was so kind. That makes me happy, to know that some people in the church can look past "transgressions" and see two people trying to make it in the world. Of course, we don't speak now that we've left the church, but I'll never forget his kindness and generosity.

And it makes me realize that, no matter how cordial my MIL is with us now, she can never take back the shit she put DH and me through.

What a fucking piss poor mother.

that is sufficiently bad to describe your mother-in-law. In colonial times, they had ducking stools for women such as she. It's not that I'm in favor of ducking stools, as they seemed to have been disproportionately used for women, but your MIL would have been more than deserving.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/17/2013 09:10AM by scmd.

"I can't think of any profane term that is sufficiently bad to describe your mother-in-law."

Let's ask Raptor Jesus to help...

She sounds like a real smith to me.

Are you accusing the MIL of bitchcraft?

Lolololol

I definitely know a few practicers of bitchcraft myself ...

scmd Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> that is sufficiently bad to describe your
> mother-in-law.

I think "MORmON apostle" is one of the most profane terms around.
Maybe that begins to get there.

She reminds me of a woman a few years ago down in Monticello that kidnapped her daughter from BYU because she was going to marry someone they didn't approve of...

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=3230221&page=1

http://www.today.com/id/15290731/ns/today/t/kidnapped-bride-speaks-out/

I remember that case...I had never known what the outcome was, so I looked it up again. Apparently the parents pled guilty to a lesser charge (from a felony to a class A misdemeanor) and avoided jail time.

OP, what your MIL did is horrible. I hope she is not a huge part of your lives now and that the two of you have a long and happy life together.

Man, that is AWFUL! I've noticed a lot of this behavior from parents in the church. They set their daughters up for being super young when they get married, but when it happens, they aren't ready, and choose to blame her instead of themselves.

I think you need to straddle a painful bench. One one side, you can see MIL's colors, quite vividly, and you need to be alert to their danger. You may have to deal with this for decades to come.

On the other side of the fence, your remark "she can never take back the @#$%& she put DH and me through" waves a different warning flag. If you don't let go of this resentment, it can fester and become toxic--to you and your new family. 12-Step programs have a lot to say about letting go of resentments.

I've heard of situations where a family is very opposed to a prospective (child)-in-law, but once the marriage has occured, they change tact and sincerely try to make the best of things. Your remark, "no matter how cordial my MIL is with us now" is grounds for some encouragement.

You recognize the wise benevolence in the bishop, good for you both. Consider contacting him, informing him that you don't want official LDS counseling, but you want to "enlist his good offices." MIL may be waiting and wanting a chance to make peace, not knowing how to go about it, and an overture from the bishop (who is already knowledgeable about things) could help.

I went through a years-long alienation from my mother, and these things are just not right. MIL is thinking about prospective grandchildren, and your children should have a healthy grandparent relationship. The sooner damage is repaired, the more authentic and natural it will be.

You may be "right" in harboring your resentment, but MIL also feels "right" in opposing the marriage. Reconciliation involves forgiveness, and forgiveness involves surrendering one's "rights." Consider what you did to contribute to the hurt. Not easy to do. Last thought: These things are often done piecemeal. Not every complaint has to be talked through: sometimes forgiveness is advanced by simply not bringing up specific hurts and grievances, which can re-provoke things, and simplely letting go of them. Cordiality and politeness can mask hostility, true, but can also be the precursor to a healed relationship.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God" (Matt. 5.9).

"You must be as cautious as snakes and as gentle as doves" (Matt. 10.16, Good News Translation).

"The question of how to approach the (person) we hated will arise. It may be he had done us more harm than we have done him and, though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we are still not too keen about admitting our faults. Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue" (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 77). (Further text points out that the person you approach often starts to admit her errors and bad actions.)

Think about these things when you see a peace sign on a bumper sticker. Peace can begin with you.

Married or not.

I haven't been harboring resentment. Quite the contrary, I've encouraged and facilitated a very close relationship between my husband and his family. Recently, we have taken a step back because they won't let go of their resentment. It shows in how they treat us.

Also, Caffeind, I am probably the most accepting of family members you'll meet. I come from a very messy background, and I let things slide that most people wouldn't. I was barely sixteen when I began dating DH, and I was treated like a slut (which no woman should be called, ever). I was a virgin, as was their son, and they acted like I was trying to seduce him. How can you say that I may have deserved their treatment of me? I came here for support, not blame. This is exmormon.org, NOT "PassTheBlameAround.com."

And I am an atheist, so bible verses aren't really helpful in my case. Thank you, though. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/17/2013 06:11PM by confusedinck.

She is only the least bit cordial because she wants to have a relationship with our daughter.

"It's not that I'm in favor of ducking stools, as they seemed to have been disproportionately used for women, but your MIL would have been more than deserving"

It was people like MIL that did the dunking.

These puritan sociopaths need to be sent to Hades.

When are we going to stop tolerating these assholes?

Ah, SVU. I attended there for a semester.

You *LET* "that bitch" talk to her son? Do you dictate all of his relationships, or just this one? I sincerely hope you are offering support and strength in his managing his relationships and not dictating what he is "allowed" to do. Are part of the problem of the great family divide?

In any case, your MIL sounds like a real tool, a perfect example of the worst of Mormon behavior, which seems more common than not. It's a real blow to the face to find out these covert actions many years later. They smile sweetly, stab you in the back, and then bring a plate of cookies. It boggles the mind.

The average perception of Mormons from outsiders is that they are honest, wholesome individuals. You learn it's quite the opposite when you're knee deep in it. I'm glad you guys can manage a moderately cordial existence. Maybe this brings hope for better relations, and you also know to cut the strings if it gets toxic. It's a crazy balancing act.

How's about you think before assuming you know anything about me? I didn't "let" DH talk to his mother. I "let" MIL talk to him, by reason that I had a phone and I handed it to her. Hat is all I meant. And, like I said above, I am very supportive of him pursuing relationships with his family, but HE doesn't want to, any longer. He feels that they have been very judgmental.

How's about you drop your own assumptions and think before posting? You said: "I let that bitch talk to her son." Your words, not mine. Those words came across (to me) as the manipulative, controlling behavior that is prevalent in Mormonism and the very thing we all strive to avoid -- he's mine, my way or the highway -- he's mine, back the hell off. You have now peed on your territory and you are taking control.

I also acknowledged that your MIL is a piece of work and the fact that you and your husband have survived the onslaught of Mormon bullshit and maintained boundaries speaks volumes.

I have been the "victim" of finding out things later. It pisses you off, and you don't know what to do with it. It certainly doesn't pave the path to golden futures, does it?

Anyone with reading comprehension skills could see that she used the word "let" because she was the one helping her out by lending her her phone, only to find out that her MIL had been spreading rumors immediately before enlisting her help.

Thank you very much, Woodsmoke. That is exactly what I meant.

I see it didn't stop you guys from getting married anyway. :)

It probably sticks in her craw that you did get married and stayed that way. But you know what I've noticed? When two young people pull together and keep the marriage free of interference, there's almost nothing that can break them.

She promised that we would be divorced within a year. We've been married five years this November. :)

This "woman" sounds about as toxic as Love Canal. Perhaps cutting contact with her for a while with an explanation as to why it's happening may get her to reconsider what she's done?

I don't think she'll ever really APOLOGIZE for what she did, as her actions will speak louder than any words she might say.

If she wants contact with her granddaughter, you need to tell her it comes at a price, but then again, that's me.

We have set certain boundaries through the years, though it hasn't always been easy. We don't like to stay the night with them anymore, because it felt like we were under their control, and not just guests. We made the difficult decision a few weeks ago to no longer visit them in their home. At least until or if things are resolved, for real. We haven't told them this in a blunt way, but we say stuff like, "We prefer to be outside, enjoying the day. Would you like to grab some lunch with us and eat at a park or something?"

I've been a very good spouse and DIL thus far, though. I've sent photos, emails, made calls and texts, sent birthday cards and gifts, etc. They simply are incapable of moving on themselves.

With some people, you just have to set the boundaries for your self protection. Sounds like you're figuring out what works and what doesn't. She'll either respect you, or she won't, but don't let that be a big toxin in your life.

confusedinck, sorry you've had so much trouble with her. I had a non pleasant MIL situation myself at one point so I know how it is (except mine was catholic.) Sometimes there's just nothing you can do when someone doesn't like you. There is no pleasing certain personalities! Congrats on making it 5 years though :)

Thank you. :)

Has she ever really apologized?

Or as Jesus said in the bible, you should cut your MIL off like bad appendage. You know the part that says : "...if your right eye offend thee pluck it out..., etc..." I've had to do this with "close" relatives and in-law relatives cause I don't want them to influence my kids negatively. And no you don't "have to deal with them"!

You two just keep putting each other first--it is the most valuable thing you have as a couple. Many will say you should do 'such and such" in order to have a relationship with a parent or grandparent or whatever. But why, really? Does blood always have to trump everything? Shouldn't decency have a place in line first?

I don't go for putting the relationship itself above the people in it. Big mistake every time. Compromise is not a positive or a negative, just a tool.

I like the way you handle yourself, confusedinck.