It seems to me that it might be useful for newly awakened, distressed fellow travelers to hear, from those who have gone before, reports on how long it took for them to feel "normal" again, to rebuild their social structures, worldview, and expectations. It takes time to rebuild all of that, but the rebuilding does eventually end.

I'd say about 10 or 15 years for myself. At one or two years into the process I no longer wished for death. At three or four years I felt my mind and ability to concentrate had returned. At 10 years I no longer felt I was walking in a kind of foggy daze, and mostly felt myself. At 15 years defintely back to normal.

Times will vary based on circunstances, of course. I grew up in Utah but left a couple years after the dreaded initial discovery. I think that separation from Mormonism speeds the process, but would be interested to hear of other opinions and experiences.

I realized it was all bunk when I was a kid, & I never felt normal. I was living a double, & sometimes triple life. I felt a bit of relief when I finally left the cult, but sadly, I'll never feel normal.

Well, first I'd replace "normal again" with "normal, finally."

I can't say I felt "normal" in the 21 years I was mormon.

The first couple of years being out, I was decidedly apprehensive, even fearful. It was hard for me to shake the indoctrinated nonsense that having a cup of coffee was a horrible sin, that spending my sundays at the grocery store instead of at sacrament meeting was perfectly fine. I was intellectually sure the church was a fraud, but all that indoctrination is *very* hard to shake. That took about two years.

Fortunately, I made non-mormon friends pretty quickly (attending college full time helped, you meet lots of new people -- and I wasn't in Utah). They really helped me feel "normal." Having explained that I had just left the cult, and what I'd been subjected to, they were also very understanding -- and a bit pushy. They would often gently push me to do new things that were not acceptable in mormonism, and to join the "normal" world. None of those things were what most people would consider "immoral" -- having a beer after a long day, enjoying gourmet coffees or drinks, going to the beach on Sunday, etc. They were just normal things. The more I did them, and realized I wasn't going to be struck by lightning, the more I was able to overcome my youthful programming.

A very nice, kind, sweet (and gorgeous) girl I met after I'd been out about 20 months introduced me to sex. She had no desire for marriage, she just liked me. That was kind of the breakthrough moment for me...it was great to have sex and not have to be married, or immediately propose, but just to be intimate with someone you like and enjoy being a human being.
Getting laid also permanently broke my indoctrination :)
BTW, I'm still good friends with that woman (and her husband and 2 kids), 30 years later. :)

For me personally, it was just like a death. At the time Jesus was my friend, comforter. I relied on the power of the Holy Ghost. My day started with prayer and at least 30 minutes of scripture reading (No this was after my mission). My diet and money was dictated by the directions of the prophets (the Q15). Then I started checking on my family history and the founding of my small AZ mormon town. I spent about a week looking at both pro sites and anti sites and almost all of the negatives on the church and the leaders was matched by both TSCC and Ex sites.

I spent a whole weekend in the library reading books, articles. My life as I knew it was dead. It was so grievous, plus I had been fasting and praying when I broke. So just like losing a parent or a child; I grieved. I got angry and I grieved some more.

It took probably about a year; I was and am still angry over the waste of money and time (seminary, mission, meetings, conferences, etc... ) I still hate feeling foolish and ashamed when I have to tell people I was mormon. I hate having to explain that I was born into the cult and we were never given the true history, doctrines and status of the leaders. Then I have to admit that I went on a mission and duped others into the cult. It was probably a couple of years after my mission that I found out how much G.A.s got paid (the least I think was 200K/yr) and this is after I had stressed that We believed in a lay ministry and yes the G.A.s get a living expense. I didn't know all about the "corporate" companies that also provide employment to white collar con-men.

Life as you knew it did die. It's a terrible thing. I know by experience.

I just learned the truth about a year and a half ago. I dumped my loss of faith on my TBM wife, parents and in-laws all at once. They ALL reacted badly and I wanted to die for months and months. I haven't discussed it with my parents for over a year. They live across the country and think everything is back to "Mormon normal" (burning testimony, fully active, etc...). Things at home are pretty good. Wife is still TBM, but she recognizes that the history of the church is truly unbelievable without a "spiritual witness", which she claims to have received but can't share. Things will probably turn south with the parents when I don't baptize the kids, ordain sons, etc... The kids are all still young, so I have a feeling there will be lots of anxiety and depression over this, and the resulting damaged relationships, for years and years. I'm obviously not feeling completely "normal" since I keep coming back to RfM.

I feared the same issues with grandparents and baptisms, etc. I feel that living cross country was definitely helpful. While I have worked to keep up family relationships over the long distances, I have found that it is nice to know that painful, sometimes frustrating, encounters can be over when the phone call, or visit, is over. Also, it turned out in my case that by the time the kids were old enough for baptism, everyone had accepted the inevitable and there wasn't a single comment.

It's been over seven years for me and I still don't feel normal. I don't anticipate feeling normal soon since my husband and half of my children are still very active.

I was very lucky to find out fairly early. I think it may help to find out fairly young. I was twenty three and the second I knew the truth I felt "normal" for the first time in my life.

I find "normal" to be a very tricky word, however. I do not strive to be like anyone else. I have no interest in comparing myself to a norm.

So when I say I felt normal for the first time ever, I mean I finally felt like it was okay to be me. I could finally like myself.

Haha. The exception to the rule! Yes I am happy to compare myself to Norm from cheers.

It took me a year to adjust. Leaving the close confines of Mormonism was mind-altering. Even though I was a convert, I had been thoroughly indoctrinated. It felt frightening to find my footing that first year. I was lucky my large family came out with me.

Take it slow.

;o)

Have a good bowel movement, flush the commode and say good bye crazy Mormon cult. Then go to a nice restaurant and drink a good cup of strong black coffee while eating a nice piece of cheery pie, with a blob of vanilla ice cream on the side, and realize you are free at last, thank God you are free at last. Then you realize life is good, and you are so blessed to be free.

There are different degrees and facets to this question.

It's been about a year for me, and I feel somewhat "normal". I'm lucky to have my immediate family get out with me intact and my extended family and friends are mostly accepting of my decision. Some TBM friendships suffered, but most are essentially at a similar level to when I was TBM. Overall, I feel a lot more normal now than I did when I first became public about my disbelief. And I'm loving life!

That said, I have accepted the fact that I will probably never be 100% "normal" my entire life at least to some degree. I'm so glad that my children will be raised "normal" and won't have to go through the pain that I am in this process.

Exodus, I think we're twins sometimes.

I've been out about a year and I mostly feel normal. It helps that 1. I escaped with my whole immediate family 2. I live far from the Morridor (east coast) 3. My parents were converts so I don't have any extended TBM family to deal with 4. I was always somewhat of a reluctant mormon (losing Christ and the fairytale happily ever after was very difficult though) and 5. We've maintained friendships within our ward.

Mormonism will always be a part of me and like exodus, I'm glad my children won't grow up with all the guilt and wackiness I did. In fact, I'm astounded at how quickly they've gotten over it and have no interest in it.

"Exodus, I think we're twins sometimes."

LOL - that's crossed my mind before too (no joke). It's probably to a great extent due to our leaving around the same time but there are a lot of other very similar parallels. Weird.

Anyway, I was also surprised how quickly my kids moved on from the church. They're carrying on as if nothing happened.

I am close to the 15 year mark. I was a member for 31 years.

I'll feel normal when I'm treated like I'm normal.

Maybe it would help for you to think of building a new life, instead of re-building the old one. I never felt like a "normal" Mormon, because I didn't believe in Joseph Smith or the Temple. I still believe in God and Christ, but it is a "new" faith for me, without the JS spin on everything.

It's new! My life is filled with LOVE--something my children and I never found in the Mormon cult. I worship science and nature, and the innate goodness of people, along with my worship of God. When something bad happens, I don't cry about something I might have done to deserve it, but I seek help. Instead of a priesthood blessing, there is Instacare and the ER. My new support system is not cookie-bearing false friends, but my own self, my children, my non-Mormon friends and family, doctors and nurses and taxi drivers and delivery people, good authors and poets, my dog, and information on the internet.

It's a new life of not having to please everyone all the time. I don't have to jump at the sound of my doorbell or phone. I can say "no." Take classes to learn something new and to meet new people.

Try the new life first, then if you don't like it after a couple of years, you can always, always go back to the old one.

Professional therapy helped speed up my recovery, and I would recommend that to anyone who can pay for it. My psychiatrist was treating my PTSD, and never gave me religious advice. Finding the root of my victimization was necessary for my cure, and we found the dark cancer or Mormonism intertwined with all that was horrible and evil. I really feel like I've had surgery.

Everyone is different, but, for me, the ANGER lasted the longest. I do get more angry than normal, when I see the cult stalking my grandchildren, and trying to teach them lies. Child abuse and spousal abuse are all enabled and excused by JS's cult--and that makes me maddest of all! Grrrrrrr!

I never felt normal in mormonism. I feel more "normal" outside of mormonism. But with what I've been through, I'll never feel normal.

I live a very unconventional life. I live with my gay ex and right now our twins. I have a boyfriend who lives 5 miles away. I spend part of my time at his home.

I am good friends with quite a few gay guys and I prefer being around them. Talk about feeling free to be yourself. That is probably when I feel the most normal is with them or with my "ex-mormon" family members. I always felt more at home with them than the TBMs (if there is such a thing in my immediate family other than my daughter).

I've always felt more comfortable with the sinners than the saints.

But I've definitely, at age 57, quit believing I'll ever feel normal.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/31/2014 11:26AM by cl2.

I went inactive in about 1993 or at least partially. I didn't realize I didn't believe until 2004. I resigned FOUR years ago. I just realized yesterday it has been FOUR years. I thought it was about two.

Resigning was a BIG DEAL, when I never thought I'd do it. It was such a relief to say to myself, "I'm not Mormon."

I'm one who will never feel completely normal no matter where I am or who I'm with. One thing I can say is that in talking to several Mormons lately (older women in their 70s), I am SO GLAD I'm not caught up in Mormonism. I never would have been a temple worker, but to talk to the mother of a lesbian who is still struggling after 15 years with the idea her daughter is lesbian and asking me for help, though her not knowing I'm out of the church. They all just talked about church subjects. Nothing else.

Sorry for the rant. To answer your question:

Four years to feel "normal" and settled and at peace. But, these were some of the best years of my life.

I was immediately happy, the moment I walked out of church for the last time. My mild depression disappeared, and never has returned.

The shunning hurt me terribly, for the first two years, and I avoided Mormons like the plague.

My discomfort around Mormons will probably never go away, but having better people in my life has made all that unimportant.

It took years to feel I'd melded into normal mainstream society after that. I had to learn to communicate with nonmormons and rid myself of Mormon thought stoppers and quirks. I'm feeling normal now in spite of having a Mormon accent and usually dressing like many Mormons.

I never went to the temple beyond dead dunking which saved me from wearing the funny underwear and having to deal with a TBM spouse. I'm glad I left early in life.

I probably never will feel normal, per se. I have too many family members who are TBM's to deal with. I have inner peace, though. I finally feel I am closer to the truth. At least I am free now to pursue it!

About 9-10 years for me, left when I was 20.

Jeez! I've only been out a year and have finally started to rid my self of self harm and suicidal ideation triggered by Mormon guilt and anger.

But it definitely took me a solid year just to feel comfortable with my apostasy. haha

The minute I realized that the church was phony I felt as if a

weight had been lifted from my chest. I felt "normal"and happy

without guilt for not being "perfect".... I was ecstatically

happy and the feeling lasted a long long time.

Good topic and question, loved reading the posts...it makes me feel more "normal" just feeling like there are other people who understand what I've been/am going through.
I grew up strict TBM, in the heart of Utah County. Left the church a year and a half ago when I was 29. The first year was absolute hell. I wasn't actually suicidal, but I prayed to die often. There was A LOT of other sh** going on in my life at the same time and it just felt like too much. I started drinking alcohol a lot. Ended up starting therapy, getting on an antidepressant, gaining 25 lbs., taking up a bunch of new hobbies to keep me busy, spending way too much money (retail therapy) and almost getting divorced...
BUT,k the last 6 months I have turned a corner. I feel like even though I made a lot of mistakes, I'm working really hard to put the pieces back together. I'm starting to heal. I'm working SO hard in therapy to unravel the brainwashing. I'm taking care of myself and being more responsible with my money, time, relationship and definitely drinking. God! It's such an intense journey, but I know healing is different for everybody. Trust that your life is worth something and it's scary, yet exciting to start to figure that out.

Your post made me remember that hymn, "How Firm a Foundation" because your story illustrates for me how little foundation the church gives you, if any at all. When all you do is what you are told, what you are commanded, you really aren't learning the important lessons of life. Obedience does not make a good groundwork for a life.

So when you realize the church is false and everything you were taught falls to dust, there is often very little foundation or life lessons to fall back on.

I don't know if that's accurate for you, but I have seen that a lot--the floundering, the lost feeling. So glad you are connecting with yourself in a healthy way again. I don't think most Mormons are connected at all. Good luck.

So, to summarize the above responses to this unscientific poll, we have, if I have counted correctly:

1 stating a seemingly strong never.
1 stating never normal, but have inner peace.
1 stating probably never normal, but more normal now.
3 responses in the 9-15 years range.
1 in the at-least-7 years (not yet normal) range.
1 in the 4 year range.
1 at an unspecified number of "years."
1 in the 2 year range.
2 in the at-least-1.5 years (not yet normal/beginning to heal) range.
1 in the at-least-1 year range.
4 in the 1 year (normal, mostly normal, maybe never completely normal) range.
And 2 indicating that they immediately felt normal.

Five years.

But even after fourteen years there are moments when I feel a little less normal. Those moments come when people discuss, drink and joke about alcohol.

but there was a definite mourning period. When I first stumbled across the board I was in shock. My husband was deployed at the time and for the first week or so I was afraid to tell him what I found. Little did I know he had only been interested in the church still because he thought I was. When I finally got the nerve to talk to him about it, my life calmed down and I stopped feeling so anxious and scared to let the thoughts in my mind actually come out of my mouth.

I had nightmares for a while (like a year, maybe year and a half) terrible nightmares I had never experienced anything like these in my life.

But the time I started to feel normal was when we finally got the courage to be openly out of the church and secure in our beliefs (lack of, we're atheists). When I knew it was ok and that I didn't need my family's approval. Probably about the same time I stopped having the nightmares. So about a yearish.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/31/2014 11:39AM by nolongersearching27.