I need some help and advice. I have left the Mormon cult and my family has turned against me to the point that I am now completely isolated and without a single friend. My family has been attacking me with a mixture of guilt trips and other manipulative behavior. My children treat me with disrespect, contempt and sometimes outright hostility.

I just found out that my youngest son, who will be getting married, has decided to abandon our family name to take another, it's been a real kick in the guts on top of lockdown and the economic uncertainty. I believe the rest of my sons will follow him in doing the same, so family line will become extinct. I feel like I have failed as a father and husband. To me family was the most important thing, I cared nothing for money, popularity or material possessions - it waw family that kept me going. Now I have lost them all.

I cannot describe to you how I feel. The emotional pain is immense I am currently taking two anti-depressants and having to rely on diazepam for anxiety and to help me sleep. I really can't see a way forward.

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,442199

Call it.

I'm with Elder Berry. Please seek professional help via a helpline or a counselor. Your pain is palpable.

I've gone through the pain of losing the entirety of my family and have nearly been crushed by the pain of having a son develop schizophrenia. I know deep, unending despair and have managed to somehow keep living but it remains a challenge. I'm in a much better place now but it doesn't take much for me to lose my fighting spirit for awhile.

During the pain of losing my family, I saw a counselor once a week for several years and wrote over 1,000 poems as I processed my grief.

I have no advice or comfort I can offer, but please do your best to hang on and push through this dark time.

I'm kind of in that same boat, although no longer feel like I'm in the storm, just floating on calm waters, even if it gets old sometimes. I have no contact with any of my children, but my relationship with the people in my extended family, who matter, is better than it has been in ages. So I am very grateful for that.

I feel like sharing this story: I've had a few therapists over the years, one really helped me with a specific problem I had fought for a long time. But almost two years ago, my children pulled a really cruel stunt and I knew I needed some good help to just move past the family shit and move on, I got a list of about 60 people who were on my employee assistance plan. I decided I was going to find the exact right person. I combed through all the bios, called a number of them and finally found one that clicked. I felt like for sure she was what I needed and she had a specialty in some things I was specifically looking for. Her bio sounded progressive and she worked with women at the prison. I really thought she probably wasn't religious at all.

I went to her office the first time and after about 10 minutes, I was like "Yes! This is the one!" But one thing I needed to be clear. I had purposely ruled out anyone who had "faith based therapy" as one of their specialties. Especially here in the South, I didn't want any religious freaks. So I told her that and told her that I would need to talk about my religious upbringing in order to really feel like I was giving her the whole picture of my family problems and that I needed to know that she wouldn't be offended if I dissed religion.

She said "Well, what religion were you raised in?" I said "I was raised Mormon." She paused for a second and said, "Well, I AM a Mormon." Jesus Christ! What are the odds? I just felt like a balloon that had been stuck with a pin. I said, "well, I guess this isn't going to work, is it?" She said, "Well, not if you're afraid to tell me things because you think I'd be offended." I told her that I could guarantee she'd be offended.

Then she said, "I don't feel like therapy is about my background, but I'll tell you a little about me. I was raised in the church, served a mission, and then fell in love with a Catholic boy. My education was my passion, but I still hoped to have a family, which didn't happen. I was semi-active in the church during that time but, of course, didn't feel like I fit in with other Mormon women. My husband died in his 40s and I needed my community then and I've been active since. But I have a lot of Mormon and former Mormon clients and I've heard it all. And I'd really like to work with you if you feel comfortable, under the condition that if it isn't working for either of us, we'll be honest and I'll try to help you find someone else who would be good."

That was a year and a half ago and she is still my lifeline and probably the reason I can once again look forward to the things I want to do with the rest of my life--knowing that it likely will not involve my children. The best thing is that here where many people know nothing about Mormons and haven't even met one, I felt with other therapists that I spent half my time and money trying to educate them and even then, they still just couldn't get it. With her, though, she knows exactly what I'm talking about and it makes it so much easier.

I know this is probably not the norm with Mormon therapists, but just wanted to put it out there because sometimes we can be surprised and the stars can align in ways we never expected. Yes, I still have those lonely and desperate times, especially since Covid, but I have very hopeful and happy ones too. Someone else said it's cliche to say "give it time." But time really is the best healer. Not that there won't be scars, there always will be. But the open wounds close up and it gets easier. It can be worth it to look for good help, and bounce things off others who may have ideas of people or things that can help. And if all you have is this board, that's ok too. There are enough people here you're always bound to find someone who relates.

It may be cliche to say time heals all wounds but it can be true.

When I left my brothers wanted nothing to do with me. My son experienced the same. His own mother and grandmother missed years of their grandchildrens lives. Their loss.

Over time different family members softened and made contact. One of my brothers is out and ae are family again. Grandparents realized life went on they'd have to make allowances for non LDS grandchildren if they wanted them in their lives.

It can get better.

Stay strong and good luck.

Well. You got us. Obviously can't make up for your loss and the hurt but you have some real understanding and support here. Many have been in the same situation.

Make a new life for yourself slowly and surely. This time you do it for you because you deserve it.

You feel like you've failed because you've left a toxic cult and everyone else is still self-blinded? Or because they treat you as badly as they do?

For what it's worth, your line is not going extinct as long as there are grandchildren, even if they don't share your surname. Plenty of men don't have sons to carry the name forward. Suppose your children had all been daughters; would your line still "become extinct," assuming each of them took their husbands' names? Of course not. (I say this only to perhaps point out a less dire perspective for viewing your situation, not to minimize your genuine pain.)

My father was born Rulon Jeffs Junior. He changed his surname to his step father's who eventually adopted him.

It is just a name. Nothing special. Special names are BS Mormons push.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2020 04:08PM by Elder Berry.

I'm glad you posted. You can find much information and support by reading as many posts as you can take in. If you look at the main page you will see links to archived posts by subject. Also, many others in a similar situation to yours have posted here through the years. You can search the site for previous posts on similar topics.

It can be overwhelming to lose belief in something that has structured your life to this point. Even more so when there are severe repercussions as you describe. Losing family, or being afraid that may occur, is one of the big issues facing those who come to see Mormonism in a different light and choose to leave. That is not fair nor reasonable but, unfortunately, it happens. It's too bad the church leaders don't advise supporting and loving each other no matter what one's beliefs are.

It is natural to feel down and even hopeless initially. However, as already said above, things change. You've changed - why not some of your family members? It may take a while but some may come around, some may even join you in seeing the church in a different light.

It's good to read that you have sought help. Perhaps you can also find someone to talk things over with. Others may have suggestions for counsellors or other resources that you could find helpful. It may take time but you can come to see, as so many others have, that there is a good life after such a life-changing decision and the immediate negative fallout. It's worth seeking out.

Keep posting. Many here have been in your situation and can understand the pain. All the best to you. Keep reaching out!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2020 03:34PM by Nightingale.

Coming from an abusive family, do not let them tear you apart.

I have not had contact from my family in decades. I cherish every day I wake up and not have to be treated cruelly. In time it becomes refreshing to not be a source of entertainment for them. I will never bow to be in another abusive relationship especially from family.

Your future may not be what you always wanted but that does not mean it has to be miserable. Your family wants you miserable. The sweetest revenge is to blossom away from them.

Find a local support group of abused people. Volunteer with big brothers/sisters. Mentor an at risk youth. There are ways to fulfill your future in positive ways.

All the crisis line on the message page, they can help you design a future plan.

When the abusers try to draw you back, and they will, tell them you are busy and disconnect.

Visit here often we care!

Mormonism destroys yet another family.

My family name is dying out because none of the men had sons, and all the daughters changed their names when they married. Turns out that is not all that uncommon.

You feel bad about the name change because you have been taught to feel bad about it. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with it, and different cultures have different traditions. It's pretty much arbitrary.

That said, it obviously stings. Some good advice has been given. I'd just add that many of us have been through similar trials. We're proof it is possible to come out the other side, perhaps somewhat the worse for wear, but still kicking. Be kind to yourself, and keep that in mind. Best wishes.

I don't see this as your family "being torn apart". Rather you have been kicked out, and they are trying to heap as much punishment on you as they can, on top of the exile.

TBM behavior at its best... "Don't want to play make-believe with us, well then we will make you suffer!"

It's as if they don't trust ghawd to judge and punish you adequately, so they step up to the plate to make sure the job is done right!

I've never had the opportunity to converse with a TBM on this issue; my one TBM family member didn't try to punish me, she just made sure I never had any one-on-one time with my grandkids, to insure that I didn't put any of my silly atheist notions into their heads. She saw me not as 'anti-mormon' , just 'anti-ghawd'. I guess if I wasn't attacking the church (as far as she knew) then I didn't have to be punished.



Now here I get icky: I am a family of me and whoever I live with. (Hi, Babe!) I sure wouldn't want to live with someone who didn't like how I think and act, and that definitely includes my kids. The idea that any of us should 'put up' with another person simply because of an accident of birth is preposterous.

I'm a lot like my dad, hardly anything at all like my mom, leaving the rest of me to be the product of my environment, I suppose. I didn't like the music my parents likes and my kids don't like the music I like; that hardly seems remarkable, right? I think a lot of interfamily relations depend on how much money might be in the will. You know mormons: if you were filthy rich, would your kids be on the outs with you?

Maybe this will be seen as a flaw, but I don't really care how my kids live their lives. I don't give a fig what they think of me; I don't really give anyone's opinion of me any regard. I believe I'm very lucky to have achieved this pinnacle.

And the loss of your sacred surname? The notion that your 'family' name will now disappear into the mists of history? As you were growing up, how often did you fall asleep worrying about the continuation of your lineage? Even if there were an eternity to live, how important is it what name you used as an Earthling? Do you worry about nicknames, too? How many 'Smith' people will there be in mormon heaven? How many mormons with my Secret Santa Name, Moroni, will there be? The answer is, over all, 1/30th of the male population...

Let go of the ropes you're using to try to lasso your family; find people and things that want to attach themselves to you!

I believe in the maxim that suggests attempting to live YOUR best life is the solution for your current problem, as well as the best defense (and revenge) against what your so-called 'family' is trying to do to you.

YOU should be for more important to yourself than family members who are trying to interfere with your Free Agency.

Someday you'll wake up dead and it ought to be an annoyance rather than a relief. That's what I'm looking for in life.

I suppose that my childish behavior of putting myself first is worthy of criticism, but I don't give a rat's ass.

That’s the hazard of walking away from a brat’s tea party. You get screaming five year olds.

I’ve often joked that Mormon families are a divorce waiting to happen. A lot of us have been there. It’s hard.

I’ll share with you some mind hacks that helped me.

Take in a long deep breath while thinking about (and feeling) how grateful you are to be alive. Slowly exhale and at the end verbally say “Thank you”. A few of those does wonders.

Thank God for all of the bad things that happened in your life. I know it sounds weird, but it was very liberating for me. I discovered it independently, but books have been written about radical gratitude and radical acceptance.

You escaped the slave ship and the rest of your family is indentured to Davey Jones. Hang tough, it will get better.

bradley Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thank God for all of the bad things that happened
> in your life. I know it sounds weird, but it was
> very liberating for me. I discovered it
> independently, but books have been written about
> radical gratitude and radical acceptance.

Great point. God bless the broken road.

> You escaped the slave ship and the rest of your
> family is indentured to Davey Jones. Hang tough,
> it will get better.

Freedom from the ship means you have to swim for it but if you make it to shore it will.

How is your wife reacting?

Bear in mind that your family's first reaction may not be their final reaction. I would give them a year or so and see where they are at after that time.

Also, *do not* tolerate disrespect. Memorize some appropriate phrases to pull out when needed, i.e. "I am not disrespecting you, and I expect the same courtesy. I raised you better than that." Look the other person in the eye, deepen your voice, and speak with conviction. If someone is disrespecting you, walk away, hang up the phone, or make your exit. Do not put up with it. Go fishing, go golfing, go to the beach.

If after having given it some time, the situation is still untenable, form an exit plan. Go live your best life.

I have had a similar falling out with my brothers & sisters and with my own children. I couldn't care less about my abusive brothers and sisters. After my mother passed away, I vowed to never see them again. That didn't stop their constant Mormon self- righteous abuse. I live a great life which just doesn't sit right with them for an apostate. I decided to not hold back against their abuse. The pushback has finally hit the mark and it appears that they will leave me be.

Same thing goes for your children - the ingrates. You have spent your whole adult life working on their behalf. You do not owe them anything. My children went through a similar phase. However, I do have money so after a few years of no financial gifts they finally came around. I think now they have matured enough to actually enjoy our relationship as it has started to progress past the "what have you done for me lately" stage. No matter, I have decided I can live without them and grandkids in my life if necessary. I'm not going to be held hostage to their attitude that everything bad in their life is their mother's fault. They were responsible, fun, great kids until they became adults and now take little to no responsibility for their bad, adult choices. The toxic parents appears to be a fad attitude amongst millennials.

You will find a family full of love again. They may not be related to you, but they are friends to be found. In all cases, the best revenge is a life well lived. Go live that life!

OP: Can you say your general location? Maybe we could make more specific suggestions. Sometimes people get together if they want. You can trust Admin if you want to check out a suggestion or poster.

Take heart. There is always hope.

This is a typical approach of virtually all religious cults.

they try to guilt trp you back into the fold.
You must understand that having acted upon your beliefs there is a consequence for that action.
My methodology was to accept that their behavior was not going to change and I went out and found some new friends that have become like family to me.
What your family is doing seems to me to be religious peresecution. I truly sympathize with you and wish you a quick recovery from this disaster.
When I started to be depressed soon after losing my wife to cancer I told myself "Self you are bigger than this! Pull yourself together and move on." I did this and I am now recovering from my losses and no longer feel "lonely and desparate"

When people join mormonism, they need to get a dog. That way, when they leave the cult they've got at least one friend.

Names are important. I hated losing my maiden name. So, I put it on our house instead of the married name. At least the house has the name.

Good luck. Please be careful with the meds.

What horrible people to do that to someone. How evil is the cult that inspires such behaviour? How sad for them that they have lost you.

This is a completely different situation, but it's the only situation in my family that helps me to relate to what you must be going through. (I'm slightly autistic and that's what helps me to process other people's situations.)

Anyway, my Mom's brother got married to a lovely woman and announced to his family that he'd married and that they'd just had a baby. (It was the 1930s and he'd been on the road for work.) He was excitedly showing them photos of his wife and baby boy. My grandmother was so furious with him for marrying a non-Catholic woman, who was a few years older than him, that she kicked him out of the house. Her family was so furious with her for marrying a Catholic that they kicked her out of the house.

I just recently connected with the son of their baby boy. It had always been a mystery as to what had happened to my uncle. He was never seen again. It turns out that he'd received a job opportunity in Australia and he took his lovely little family there. He is gone now, but a whole new generation of my family now lives in Australia, with children and great-grandchildren.
I thought, "How sad that the pettiness of their families caused them to lose them forever. They didn't deserve to know where they went."

The point of my own little family story is that my uncle left. He found a new job in a new place. He left the unkind people behind and took care of himself and his own family. He'd already started his own family, so it's not an identical situation. But if that ever happened to me, I'd go far away and begin again. I'd take care of myself and my own needs and leave them wondering what ever became of me. The answer would be that I was out there thriving on my own, without them. I would not stay and allow them to emotionally abuse me. They would not be worth it. Although I guess one could still separate from them while remaining at home as well, but it might be a bit more challenging, especially if they're determined to seek you out to hurt you.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation. It's my own experience with them which allows me to say to be careful with those meds. I think that they do a lot of good for people who are naturally chemically unbalanced. But, they probably should not be used long term for someone who is not. I'm not a doctor, but I was given such meds when I went through a depression due to my health and it was a nightmare for me. I shudder when I think about it now.

But just be careful, okay? And try to concentrate on taking care of you. That was probably a long-winded answer to simply say, "Take care of you." But I was probably also saying, "Families. Man. They can really be something."

“ What horrible people to do that to someone. How evil is the cult that inspires such behaviour? How sad for them that they have lost you.”

Good point. “They”, who are a dime a dozen, lost OP. Too bad for them. Unfortunately, this is par for the course. Mormons have been this way since 1830.

It’s a cursed religion from a cursed founder. Joe Sr and Lucy Mack and their thug life did not produce anything of value.

Some Moody Blues helped me when I lost the ones I loved:

And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you

That really sucks.

When I was fearful that I might lose my kids (when I was divorcing their mother), my therapist emphasized over and over and over:

YOU are their father. Nothing will ever change that.

So, I continued acting like it. And that is what kept me going.

Hang in there, Dad. Maybe this approach will work for you, too.

PS, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

That would definitely be the ideal, PapaKen. I hope that's possible. I guess it depends on how bad it is. I just don't want him to be anyone's punching bag.

Meeting people in person who are in the same place is very helpful.

Check this website.


https://www.mormonspectrum.org

Then Check (MSiP) the in-person group directory. (Mormon Spectrum In-Person) Map & Directory



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/18/2020 09:30PM by Twinker.

I'm so sorry your family arent mature enough to love someone

who believes differently than they do. That's not love or they

would'nt be so casual about dumping you for a superficial

reason. They didn't truly love you anyway if you had to do

what they say and believe what they believe. People who love

you want you to be happy. You're family doesn't care. Who

needs that ????

I know you are getting lots of advice and there are many helpful ideas here. So I would suggest try not to feel all the problems need to be solved at once. You are making a powerful and important step towards authenticity and that does not come without some pain. Take each day as they come. The most important thing right now is taking care of you. That is why you decided to leave mormonism after all right? A healthier, happier, less fake life. So do it!

Some days will be bad, expect it. There is no parade for people who show the emperor is wearing no clothes. This is essentially what you have done. Rest assured, things will get better and they will get better because you want them to. You no longer have to rely on the fickle, abusive, non sensical Mormon God anymore.

Just let your problems exist during the day but at night give them a rest - there is nothing to be solved at that time. This is the advice I have told myself and it has worked. My life has improved out of the depression/fear for self and of others/life crumbling stage you may feel you are in at this time.

Understand this thing with your family is a natural but certainly not convenient reaction by people who have been programmed by mormonism. You are threatening their illusion. Right now in this emotional state they may hate you for it and act like you are the evil instigator of the family's problems. They may even do despicable things like threaten your family name. Reactions which is what mormonism is all about programmed reactions - like the nervous chuckle at general conference. People grow over time and begin to realize how stupid they were before. Give them a chance. I never ever thought I would exposed to how clearly the church is a fraud but it is becoming ever more obvious to those with eyes to see, etc.

Despite what mormonism says the world is not a terrible place, friends can still be found and so can goodness. Take a breath and start the adventure of a new life, day by day, step by step.

Well wishes being sent your way.

This is wise advice.

Sorry for your pain. Hugs.

"This too shall pass" is a mantra for me in bad times. Things might look hopeless now, but a year or 2 down the road, maybe some other family members also leave mormonism. Also, (disregard if you're an atheist) for me personally my faith in god/goodness/the universe has gotten me thru some rough times.

Other posters suggested getting together with other exmormons; that's a great idea. Or get together with someone who has had the outcast experience (doesn't have to be an exmo), or someone empathetic in your social circle. Yes, reach out to a person in real life, it helps to have a shoulder to lean on.

My boss used to say, "Oh, the difference a day can make."

Just go one day at a time, and know that we are here for you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/19/2020 07:54PM by kathleen.

Another thought:

Find some auto/biographies, memoirs, blogs, twitter feeds, podcasts, audiobooks of other "outcasts". Exmormon memoirs, of course, will be most relate-able. But anybody who has survived hard times? Those stories will resonate with you. Hearing those other voices, talking about bad times they survived? It helps you get thru another day. Many people survived being the outcast? You can too.

Also, the corona lockdown is messing with a lot of people's minds, making them blow bad situations waay out of proportion. The sun will rise, the virus will eventually go away, and more people will leave the church. Hang in there, things will hurt less in time.

Pain can be overwhelming at times, but don't let it make you lose perspective. About that son who's getting married? He will probably have kids (your grandkids!) and you want to see those faces. Who knows, maybe those grandkids will want to leave the church one day, and the 1 family member who isn't a mormon is that cool grandpa (you!). You will be there, stronger for the pain you are feeling right now, and ready to help them get out of the cult.

You will find a lot on our own Bio board - https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/list.php?3

Find a good counselor that works for you. Remember to take excellent care of yourself.......exercise, eat nourishing food, make yourself (if necessary) get out and have a change of scenery.

Do not let family members guilt you into doing what works for THEM - tell them you need space and time to find out what works for you.

Remind them....I AM NOT YOU!

Dear No one knows me,

It will get better. In the meantime please get help. Here is the suited help line, use it, please! 1-800-273-8255

You are in crisis and feeling alone, you are not, it just seems that way right now. You matter, your feelings and what you think matters. It will all get sorted out and you will be ok, just get help, please.

Sorry, stupid autocorrect suicide helpline. Please let us know you are doing ok.