I made through another day! ; ) I do need to remember tha the best I can do is the best I can do, one thing @ a time & celebrate even small victories. Looking at how far I've come helps too, it just seems like I've got to remember all this on a deeper level...
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...and, yes, I can no longer keep trying to hold the door shut. I'm scared of what's in there & taking things out is painful & messy.
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n/t
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...and ppl are 'going away'...I could be on the journey toward healing & healthier r'ships. *if* I am able to make new connections... But maybe I'm the effed-up one... Oversharing, lol? Am I having a spiritual breakthrough?...or nucking futs?
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Posting again, under my own thread...that's probably wrong... Not attention-seeking, just processing & looking for answers that make some kind of sense... No one is coming to save me. That dream died in family court. I appear ill-equipped to save myself. How much can I ask of others? It seems like what I need is too much... ...this could be more LH self-talk, but it just feels like I'
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...and I don't know what The Truth is... But I know what it *ain't*!
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...bought it all hook, line, sinker... Temple marriage, depression for decades, left tscc & husb, both due to lies. Resigned. Fly the bird @ tscc bldgs (really mature, I know)
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...hanging out in my own head. ...knowing who I am as not-a-mormon, and reconstructing my thought patterns to align with my truth. And finding out whhat that truth is...this liofe has been very emotionally painful (for me-I can only speak for myyself, of course). I am trying desparately to find value in my life rioghht now. Remembering that I am a Creator, The Creator, of My Life. I want it
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I mean, I know what the word means, but who is to say what is oversharing to one is no. Could it be another judgment on how one 'should' behave? 'Jus playon' Stan's advocate for a minute... There aren't a whole lot of place one can express the psychological terror, emotional fuckery, mental anguish that tscc has perpetuated upon our lives and those of loved ones. Tscc keeps people SEPARATE. I
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I...don't...understand... Reading, re-rreading... Impermanence?
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n/t
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Ahhh, summer!. such a fresh breeze of perspective... Volrammos, I empathize...
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...it seems to me, but my experience there is limited. I could be wrong...at any given moment, lol. I have posted here occassionally, read a lot latelu & posted more & more b/c I see sanity & loyalty, intelligence, and heart. Feedback is generally supportive & posters are ferociously protected, which is SO important in vulnerable times. It can be devastating to be in a place
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Swim @ your discretion. : ) I have seen ferocious loyalty here. *SPLASHHH!*
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I am being shaken to my corei hear that I am not alone...my soul is being challenged like never befor to SHOW UP IN MY OWN DAMN LIFE. & it's hard to break patterns deeply etched into one's core. The support & understanding here are amazing...*bowing owo*
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*not* mingled w/scripture... But seriously, so many people are going through really hard gut-wrenching times right now...is it my imagination? Do es my empathic/hsp-ness make it that much more difficult to function well in my own life? Plus, .*bllleeahhhhh* Learned Helpless, ...I suppose my 'emotional boundaries' could be healthier...but I can't help how I feel things that aren't 'mine' person
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Wow, the depth, clarity, and compassion are truly shining through. Thank you, ragingphoenix, for baring your soul. I am in the throes of immense *ahem* GROWTH, cleverly disguised as SHIT, as are many, many MANY others. I *really* desire...rather, crave a large shift in the way we, human beings, treat each other. We are *all* vulnerable to circumstance. Only when we are able to truly empathize
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n/t
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You nailed it on the head, RP, regarding v's overall initial message. Not everyone is able/willing to plumb the depths of the soul. You are-it frightens some people & their inner critic spews forth unconscious propaganda. There is nothing wrong with you.
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n/t
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Another fave of mine was the time we, *ahem*, someone...painted dried cubes of potato like chunks of turquoise, then STRUNG THEM ON SILVER CORDS WITH SILVER BEADS. Sorry, was I yelling?... Sterling silver beads... *koo-koo!*
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to read & respond. Though I may not mention specific posts/posters (due to posting on phone), know that I am reading every post multiple times, (will print out, too) & taking it in. It's so scary to spill it-this feels like a safe place to work it out. <3
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Bein g present & conscious, as opposed to living in Stepfordville, where nothing gets inis my Intention...the sudden onslaught of awareness is breathtaking, heartbreaking & raw. That damn toothpaste just won't go back into the crumpled confines of it's tube. This is what it feels like to be huuman...ahhh, the bittersweeet agony! *mocking self-drama* & slightly furious @self for..
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*rising to a challenge* Since leaving you-know-which-corporation, I now enjoy a much freer mind. I get to figure out, consciously (I hope) what is Right & True for me. I get to define 'morality.' I can more fully embrace that which is valued by me. I feel freer to love & connect in juicy, vibrant ways without shame, guilt, or looking over my shoulder. I'ma gettin' mah intellect ON
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I do work hard at seeing the gold, the gift in difficult situations. Thank you for the reminder to have gratitude-and that I can spill my guts here, haha, temple innuendo! The learned helplessness thread hit me *hard* & I read up on it. So that awareness is fresh in my psyche as yet *another* way tscc broke me. I am having a major reality check right now & it's kicking my ass...
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I'm overwhelmed ny life (hsp), learned helplessness, no career, tbm-x moved my kids, $ prob's, house falling apart, a.d.d., depression, social awkwardness, etcetcetc ad fucking nauseum... Just ended 4-yr unhealthy r'ship, lost others due to attempting to change patterns... Wait, don't I whine about all this enough? I'm losing my mind.
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There's a lot of life-suckery going on, going around, here, there, everywhere......I feel so used & abused by my time in the cult- I know healing takes time...just seems my awarenesses of my broken-ness is tumbling onto me fster thai can work them out. Wah. Victim, I lnow...annnd, there's another to add to the list...now that my 'reasons' in life are gone, what value do I have?
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In the middle of it right now, struggling... 20 years as Stepford Molly-ness has made me so small I hardly recognize myself & it is a real struggle to *suddenly* be responsible for a myriad of life-situations for which I was/am woefully unprepared,, then plummetting self-worth because who in hell doesn't know how to take care of simple grown-up responsibilities...not to mention adult relatio
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n/t
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I believe that we are connected...everyone, everything. I often feel very alone, esp when there are sooo many overwhelming circumstances making life bot-so-pleasant at times... Chin up, find the good--there is *always* something to smile or laugh about. I feel you. I really do, and you are stronger than you may know. Just keep swimming! & ask for help. I truly believe that the universe wan
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